Sweet moments 

I don’t think many people know or comprehend the sweet moments we have are the ones I most miss when you leave.

I really like our new routine of puppy cuddle time on the last day of your visit, but it makes getting in the shower almost an unbearable thing.

Big hugs, sadly it’s a busy day and I can’t write much more.

Happy Valentine Tuesday

Sir is still sleeping. The past two days I’ve not been feeling great, but we’ve still managed to get out and  do some things. Last night was more hot flashes. I feel so bad, sleeping with me is sometimes like sleeping with the heat of the sun next to him.

Yesterday we hung out with my little french shadow and Sir got to stroll around a part of bklyn he had wanted to see. It was nice and low key. The wind was horrible and we decided to stay in for dinner.

The other night at the party was interesting. Lots of rope and orgy girl joined us with a friend. It was her first party and now she is obsessed with the idea of being suspended. It had horrible seating where there was any, but I had seen on the stage there was a guy that is well known for his fire play and making girls laugh, so I asked Sir if I could see if he had any openings. One girl told me he was booked for the night, but he agreed to fit me in. When I was on my back it was nice, like hot stones and once he saw that I trusted him and didn’t flinch he turned me over and the tickles started. Then he put stretched out cotton on my nipples and set the ablaze, to anyone looking it looked very showy and scary but my reaction was hysterical laughter. I can’t even explain how much it tickled. The scene ended with both of us laughing our asses off and a big hug.

As this was going on Sir was talking to a Domme dressed as a school matron. I really had to used the bathroom and the line was super long. I ran into SMG on the way back and we both saw that the two of them were in deep conversation and agreed that I was really in for it. Sir told me she wanted to practice her flogging skills and we found a place near the coat check. She was nicely sadistic and Sir allowed me many o’s as she was flogging my clit.

Soon after that we left.

Today will be a day of us just enjoying being with each other. It is both happy Tuesday and Happy V-day. Neither of us put much stock into this holiday, but it’s nice it falls on Tuesday. I think it’s off to the gym for me and a little research on something that Sir will like for later today.

Sorry Sir

The party last night was ok.

The after I own the apology for. I wrote the other day about the doubts and I let them get out of control last night. The only thing I can say is I did not do what would have been the norm, let them fester and grow. Instead I asked Sir right away.

I was wrong in my assumption and I know that. He saw first hand how hard it is for me to admit that, but when I put my pride aside and accepted that he is not them, I was able to crawl onto his lap and tell him that I was sorry. I’ll write about the party and all that stuff another time, but I need to wake him.

Sir Arrived

Normally upon his arrival it goes one of 2 ways. I meet him in the city for an adventure or something tourist-like or I meet him at the subway and we have a nice meal alone.

Yesterday L had gotten him a gift and really wanted to give it him in person. Work L had been working in cahoots with sir to get me an early birthday gift. She was also fighting with her husband and since her car wasn’t dug out I suggested she share my uber. So the 2 of us headed to my house and the box containing sirs gift was at the door. Sadly it was the first time amazon sent just the box and not a privacy box, so I saw it was speakers and not something for her husband like she said. We had a good laugh.

I met sir at the train and we picked up some pizza, within minutes L was there with his gift. Sir really like it. A pirate flask with belt holder. We all hung out chatted and had a nice night.

Once they left I was able to show Sir the new collar.

I’m pretty sure he liked it because within minutes we were in the bedroom and the new toy came out. I hit subspace very quick and hard as my legs were spread and he was belting my clit. The new collar is much bigger and I didn’t realize that in that position it was very restrictive on my breathing. I couldn’t hold my legs up long and it was my fault. I made a rookie mistake. I pointed my toes and grabbed my ankles. Anyone with a knee injury would know to flex your feet to protect you knees. Sir knows me and if I’m having issue listening its not for lack of trying. We changes positions and I think it was the whip that he allowed me to cum with the new toy on my clit.

Funny I try to talk but I don’t think words ever come out…but if they did it would have been….please, please, please, sir, sir ,sir,cum, cum, cum…..me cum not him:)

So even if I could form words the normal brain pattern is gone. I remember giggling softly as I realized that. Seconds later that stopped as he fucked my cunt and I went away again.

I was able to rally the last of my energy to show him the drawer of things I had been collecting since his last visit. Mementos of the moments he missed. Things like a box of matches from the hotel orgy, my sign from the woman’s march, lol, light bulbs he told me to get, since I’m way to short to change them on my own and a few other odds and ends.

Back out on the couch and the lack of air had really exhausted me and in minutes I was fast asleep. I don’t know when but sir woke me to go to bed and we cuddled nicely until I could sleep no longer.

Time to go wake him, fresh bagels are in the kitchen and the coffee is set.

I need cuddles 

It’s too damn cold.

Like super insane I feel it in my bones cold. 

The only thing getting me through this insane day is that sir and I can cuddle later.

The blanket that took a year to make is all ready for a nice night in and a movie.

Going out and being social can wait for tomorrow. 

Yesterday was such a struggle. I have really been hitting a brick wall this week. It seems like everything I do has roadblocks. I need 10 more hours a day and I might, just might get everything done I’d like too in a day.

The one good thing that has happened is my custom collar was finished. I’m kinda torn about the need of it….not sure if this will make sense or not. It’s beautiful and It will serve as a good “back off” sign at parties. 

Yet since that collaring, I don’t hold much regard for the nessessity of it. These past months with either nothing or the day collar, I’m still the same person, with less  neck irratation:)

Not sure I’d Sir feels the same. I guess we can talk tonight. 

Damn you!

Ok, febuary visit number 3……and just like the last 2 the weather is an issue.

This time, spring today, snow storm tomorrow. It seems we plan to go to the same party every year and every year we don’t. Brightside? No one else does either, so we aren’t missing anything.

This also corresponds with the doubts. Unlike the past this hasnt manifested as a total breakdown of subbie proportions, but more an interactive dialogue. 

It goes a little like this…how much longer can thus last? How do you prepare for it to end? Are you both just being selfish to hold onto each with this much distance? Wouldn’t he be better off finding someone closer? Maybe he has someone else? Why don’t you ever ask him about other play partners or subs or if he has any? Are you really submissive enough for him? Are you really submissive at all or are you just a masochist and enjoy doing things for others? What’s wrong with me that I have to be alone?

And it could go on and on…

I don’t let these thoughts stress me anymore, but they are still there and sadly I’m not even trying to get rid of them. Doubt is a big part of being me on the inside. I think I do much better now at hiding it. Not sure if that’s a good thing or not, but even with these internal issues I am getting more self confident to the casual eye.

Things seem to be both influx and stalled out. 

Oh and I’ve discovered that how I say I don’t like girls, they are evil, I also don’t like subs. Please to any reading this don’t take offense. The ones I’ve been encountering are just rancid. All schemes and drama. I’m trying to stay clear of them in the local community and associate more with switches. I think they fit my personality better. 

With all this said, I’m not in a bad mood, sure I could still use a hug, but I’m holding my own at a bitch level 0.


Most emails, messages and texts are ended with:


When the weather gets gloomy like this, it’s really all I want, big hugs. I’m a hug slut, but there are three people who’s hugs I like the most.

Sir- even when I have to stand on a stool to get a hug, they are the warmest. 

N- she is a couple of inches shorter than me and her hugs remind me of mom hugs. They are protective and tight.

Fgd- he always asks how my back is and if it’s ok, I get a big Russian bear hug and twirled around.

Right now, I long for these hugs. 

Don’t accuse me of being you….

Unless you want to see my domme side.

This weekend was a blur. Busy from the moment I got up until the second I went to sleep. 

For some reason I just let things go since Sirs last visit. The food was less than normal, the house never messy was dirty. It was as though I let my normal needs get pushed to the side. 

Since I don’t want him to starve I had soooo many errands and a five hour cleaning binge. Sadly where I live you can go to one supermarket and say I’m done. It’s more like 10 small stores and then you pray you didn’t forget anything.

I managed to get 2 five mile runs and 2 yoga classes in as well, along with a visit from L and my first ever invite to a collaring ceremony, no wonder I didn’t want to wake up this morning.

So the collaring was interesting in a really bad way. I don’t want to go into the foolishness of it all, but it was much pomp and circumstance and to me was more of a pissing contest on the subs part. 

I went to support a friend and it was a nice bonus that N and FGD came too. We went in street clothes and decided to leave after a proper amount of socializing was done. No play at the after party, none of us were up for it. 

So we are just joking and chatting and trying to cheer up my friend. This subby girl comes over that I will socialize with occasionally. She just got dumped by her Dom, so I initially cut her a little slack. That didn’t last long at all. She said something about N and I being brats, she goes oh you know you are you subbie girls, just like me. I snapped. I told her no I’m not a brat a b d furthermore I’m nothing like you. You only know what you see at the club, I’m slave to one, masochist to another and I enjoy making pretty girls cry. So don’t calm me a subbie girl or a brat just because you’ve never deserved to see my domme side. 

Then she looks at n and tells her she’s a bratty princess. Oh, stupid girl. Wrong fucking move. N snaps and say oh no, I’m the queen, remember that. I was so proud of her I grabbed her by the hair and gave her a big kiss. I turned back to the asshole and said you need to stop thinking you know everyone based on the limited things you see. Keep in mind we are very switchy bitches and every ounce of us is grown.

Normally I’d be embarrassed of being so abrupt with her, but I honestly don’t care. She was wrong and someone had to shut her down.

Oh there was also one more bitch moment that night. I was talking to bg and this other girl that I kinds don’t like comes up and was like oh I’m so happy you’re coming to the monday night stretching for rope bottoms class. I had put maybe, thinking if I have nothing else to do I’d treat it like free yoga. I turned to her and said, sorry I won’t be attending. She gave me a real crossed look. I told her well I’d put maybe and since I’m a level 3 yogi I don’t really need to be taught basic stretches. I was only going if I had nothing else to do and…well, I have other things. Bg laughed and we continued with our conversation. 

In hindsite both of these girls were rude to my friend. I know that’s why I was less tolerant of there crap than normal. Yet it felt good to tell them, don’t I’m lije, you because I’m really not.

A slave with too many “dommes”

I don’t want to go into the whole drama, but now my super organic, granola female director has decides to domme me into sending an email calling out the asshat pm’s behavior yesterday.

She promises this will be followed up by her her review it first. She normally de-bitches my emails, but this time she turned the bitch level up.

She even said, what does it natter, she’s only in one day next week anyway.

Things like this make be want to puke. It has little to do with taking charge, I do that at work all of the time. It just brings me back to my last management job and that was the most horrible job I’ve ever had. 

I just have to remember, this is not that job and what ever fall out occurs, I have the support of upper mtg.

Blah, ok now that’s over with.

I think I have an ok weekend planned. Lots of yoga, friends, prep for Sirs visit. Hell I even set aside some down time for me.

I was supposed to meet a swinger girl tonight, but I’m 90% sure she’s a fake profile, so fuck that. 

I can’t believe how close Sirs next visit is. The time between his new year and valentine’s trips are the worst for me. 

I become so mopy. This time having n and the rest of the misfit gang has helped, but it’s still not the same. Not much on earth is as good as lap time and hugs from Sir