Dealing with drops

N showed up at my house a ghost of her normal self. She drops horribly. Refuses to eat, lashes out, says she’s never going to do another scene. Tries to vanilla fuck swingers. 

I held her at the door for 5 minutes as she just broke down, sobbing uncontrollably. I was able to get her coat off and we moved to the couch where she continued to cry with her head on my lap.  After about a half an hour she could talk again.

She told me all about her frenzy and her shutting fgd out. The way he deals with drop is to call up a vanilla fuck buddy and basically screw it out of his system. This was in direct conflict with her need to be taken care of so she became irrational. 

She was able to hold off the break by meeting for lunch with the hostess, but that only lasted but so long. She kept saying they just don’t understand we just need to be held.

So that’s what I did, we talked and held eachother. The puppies joined in and we chatted the night away in a cuddle pile. 

She had asked earlier why tonight? I had no clue what she was talking about and she said that I was cleaning. I told her I’d be done by the time that she arrived and I think she doubted it.

See I’ve come up with a tangible way to not drop as badly when Sir leaves. Before he arrives I reconfigure the house in a manner that is functional to him, not to me. I pick up the scatter rug, move chairs around, about 50 little things occur. When he’s here I don’t clean, well except the kitchen. The day he leaves I change everything back and clean. I banish all of the food smells and return it to a cinnamon vanilla ish environment. I make it a show place. The reason? I’m hardly ever there. When I am there I have no need to have “stuff” all over. An organized house leads to an organized mind. When things are not where they should be my anxiety level rises. 

Plus it’s a signal from my eyes to my brain, the visit is over. 

I used to drop the moment I walked through the door, but now that I have a task of my own making that doesn’t happen. 

Another birthday is over

I think this may have been my longest birthday celebration yet.

Big thank you to Sir for the cuddles, hugs and much needed nap time. Work has been nuts, but I needed to wrote at least a little something for you to see when you’re on your way home. I’ll try to write more, but work is, ughhhh.

Tuesday

Happy only because Sir is here.

I’m at work, probably dropping. Last night the flashes were horrible. 

Sir did get to see my little girl dogs complete adoration of fgd.

Aside from that, I’ve got nothing. Working and trying hard to make it through the day.

Work x3

I woke up to the realization that my fabulous life of relaxation and yoga is on temporary hold.

Back at work and playing a game of catch up.

Sir and I had a nice Sunday. Slow and relaxed. Met an interesting couple. Had a good night’s sleep. We finally got the sleeping problems under control. It was as simple as changing the sides of the bed and adding four suppliments a day to my vitamins. 

At least now we can cuddle again without him waking like he was in a battle all night.

Birthday Surprises for the Slave

Last night I was a little off. We had plans to go to a well known club and our friends were throwing their first party there.

I knew it would be nice to get out and once I was there the fog would lift. I did tell Sir a big part of me just wanted to stay home, by day 7 I was kinda done with the whole birthday thing. L and M showed up and we had some nice talks and stuff before leaving.

A few people cancelled last minute, but that always happens.

There were no scenes set up, other than the traditional birthday spanking and I’m pretty sure at last count I am officially 179 years old. Or so I thought…….

L and M went rather quickly into the back rooms. That’s where the more sexual kinky stuff occurs. I thought that was weird, but I didn’t think too much of it, since L gets a bit jealous of my other friends and they have been on a streak of meeting new play partners.

SMG came in and right behind her was Bow tie man and the Bi Bulgarian. It was great to see them and I hadn’t realized it’s been almost a year since we’ve all been out. We were chatting and at that point everyone in the main club was just in a social mood. Sir had wandered off, but I don’t pay much mind when he  does that. I figured he was just looking around and saying hi to people.

The host and hostess came over for a quick chat and then FGD came in, looking rather pleased with himself. He asked How my night was going and I said good, He said “oh Botton, just good? Well, it’s about to get a lot better” Crap, Fuck, right there I knew something was in the works and in a matter of a second Sir was back with a blind fold. He lead me into the back rooms and sat down and had me face him, lifted my skirt and I felt a strapon. Totally a different feel from the real thing. I recall saying I really trust you a lot to not even be questioning this. I knew it would have been a girl I knew and then she pulled my hair and at that moment I knew it was N.

I came and then the blind fold came off and all of my friends minus L and M were there. Lol, only in this lifestyle can you say happy birthday, I’m going to fuck you doggie style with all of your closest friends watching to show you how much I love you. There was a big birthday cake and candles and gifts. The DC gang all chipped in and brought me the harness and dildo that I was fucked with. The rule, can’t get a new toy and leave the club before you use it:)

A riger that I’ve seen a few times came over and told me part of my gift was a suspension and when ever I was ready to come and find him.

I had one spanking prior to this, then at least four people got their wacks in as a group effort. BB sadly drank way too much and within minutes they were in a cab home.

So N was supposed to be busy with family stuff, but it turns out that stuff was actually done on Tuesday. She hated not telling me and when I thought about it, everyone had been rather silent this week. I just thought it was because they knew I was in a full yoga mode and then Sir was coming in, but it was so none of them slipped up and ruined the surprise.

Sir got to see what I had been telling him about. N turns into the most foul mouthed bitch during a scene. I don’t think he really expected it, but it’s always fun to watch. I had some good chats with BG and the merry bunch of rope bunnies. She was excited to see me go up, finally. She didn’t approve of the rigger, but she’s part of that really advanced circle and I just wanted to fly. I did a side suspension, my first and it was amazing. I even was able to end it when my pinkie went numb, something I normally had a hard time doing. Sir was there and he understands my gibberish well.

Oh and SMG even gave me a spanking. Ahe’s funny because she’s always so shy and kind that to have her on the other side of the bench must have been funny. There are so many moments I wish I could have seen but was in. I guess I’ve been trying to stay more in the moment and I did.

I went looking for L and M a few times and they were occupied with others. L was a little pissed and I know why without even talking to him. N was there and they recently had a fight. Another couple was there that they played with and they used him to meet people and then pushed them to the side. I had no use for them and it showed.

I did make sure to get him at a point where he was not in a scene and ask for my birthday spanking. I hope that showed that I care, even if I was off playing with others.

Sir is still sleeping. Time to wake him up and tell him thank you for a great night out.

I am Lava

or at least when I sleep I am.

Poor Sir has to deal with this. Long gone are the nights of cuddles replaced with hot flashes.

With the exception of this one very large issue his trip has been nice so far. We went into the city and saw an exhibit at FIT then over to see a gallery. We walked over 5 miles, not too much for me, but more than Sir normally does due to the weather.

I showed him where FGD and I went that one night after work that I was a total mess. We had drinks and walked a good distance up the newly developed west side. FGD was waiting at a bar down near his job. We grabbed a drink and then N picked us up.

I was in so much pain as my week of yoga came to an end. 11 hours of yoga and then the soreness had set in, FGD said even in as much discomfort as I was in I looked happy. Everyone sees the difference in my face when Sir is in town.

We went to a crappy hipster part of bklyn and had a nice night at a community social. Really good food and drinks and company. As I alway do I fell asleep on the way home. It doesn’t matter who you are just know if we are in the back of a car and the sun is down I’m going to fall asleep on your shoulder or lap. So in the blink of an eye we were home.

Today Sir is trying to get some much needed sleep and I am trying to find some remedy’s for the night sweats.

Proof my mother is my child

Yesterday was really a mixed bag. I heard from many friends, lots of birthday wishes and such. L sent flowers to my office, sadly I wasn’t there, but that’s ok since they were for someone named Dorothy and had a happy anniversary balloon instead of mine, so today I’ll get another flower delivery to my house.

I heard from my stepson and when I checked the mail there was a card from my goddaughter. I cried. I really don’t miss C, but that was just as much my kid as it was hers. I texted her and it was hard, really hard.

I said goodbye to my cousin who as we speak is on a plane to Georgia heading to boot camp.

My mother and I discussed just how hard the past year has been in a different way then in years past. We are both at the point of saying goodbye to many people and relationships. We both wanted to cry and in the past would have cried, but we didn’t. I told her I think it comes from living alone. This is the first time we are both living alone, well aside from the pups and we are dependent on ourselves to keep things running. She said she believed it was also having a dog that has changed how she views others. She told me a big part of it is when she comes through the door every day, she could be gone 5 minutes or  hours and she is greeted with love and affection. That’s because she was always a cat person and never had the love of a dog when she lived alone.

We headed to lunch. Every year, lunch at the same place, same table. We each get 2 different specials and share. A cup of soup, a salad, an app, a wrap and dessert. It sounds like a lot of food, but it’s at a rather fancy, yet reasonable place so the portions are french in nature and with the exception of dessert not at all a cheat. So the appetizer, every year the same conversation. I always order for the both of us. The only thing she picks is her dessert. I order alligator bites. Every year we have the same conversation when I do. Do I like this? Yes mom, you do. ok and gives me a I don’t really trust you look. When the food comes she takes one with hesitation and eats it. Oh these are really good I do like them. I point out to her we do this every year and every year the same thing happens.

As this is going on a big table comes in with 2 same kids. One an infant that makes mom smile, big eyes like me and the other a motor mouthed little boy. The father orders and I hear him get the same app. The mother tells the little boy to lower his voice that we were trying to eat.

We talk about how she will officially in her mind be old next year, 60. She doesn’t look it but to her it will be a big deal. I ask if she wants a party or to totally ignore as she normally does. The majority of our family has died on either her birthday or mine, so we aren’t great with the big celebrations any more. She wants to go on a cruise like we did the two of us years ago. She wants to get that for me for my birthday and I told her I’ll get her the full spa package for her gift. That made her happy.

something happened that I missed at the other table and mom asks How are you going to make me eat this, pointing to the app on the table if I get old and loose my mind. The mother tells the boy at the next table, it’s a special meatball. I start laughing and tell her that’s how! The other mom says, well everything is either a meat ball or chicken to him, it’s all he will eat. The father says in a hushed voice its alligator. I laugh and say I know, I just had the same conversation with her to get her to try it and next year I’ll tell her it’s a meatball too!. A few minutes later my bread pudding and birthday candle come out and they all (little kid included) sing one of the loudest happy birthday’s I’ve every had. It was a lunch with real joy and no tears.

Sir is moving his trip up a day, so I need to get back to my never ending list of things to do.

 

Long talks part2

So I never got back to this yesterday. The interwebs on the subway doesn’t work very well and I ended up reading a book.

The talks part- I had a few talks in the past days that all seemed very interconnected. It started Friday at work. We were discussing the planned cuts to meals on wheels and the school lunch program. This sprang off to another conversation about growing up Irish in NYC. That lead to another about the “cheese truck”. I don’t know if this was just a thing here, but as a child I can remember waiting on the line for food. A big white tractor trailer would pull up and you’d get no frills foods. Things like the big block of cheese and jar of peanut butter. It was not good for you food, but it kept your belly full. The guy in front of me remembered that too. It wasn’t that our parents didn’t work, they did, but they were the working poor. Something this city is full of.

We agreed that without that and school lunch we don’t know how we would have made it to adulthood.

This then ties in with a conversation with female L. She is the only daughter of a young working mother and we talked of our times on fod stamps and them our times as cashiers at a local supermarket. How there was 2 types of people on public assistance. One that really needed it and then the other just working the system. Both of us would get rather upset at the second type, having already been the first. Her last day at that job she ran into the second type and called her a cunt.

The final conversation was with my  mother. We were discussing my aunt and cousin. My cousin leaves for boot camp today, on my birthday. My aunt is not dealing with this weel and has taken to lashing out on all of us. On purpose I didn’t reach out to her on St. Paddy’s day. They always do a big dinner and I wanted to see if I was invited. My mother invited herself and it never occurred to her I wasn’t already on the guest list. I allowed the day to pass saying nothing about it until she brought up the fight she had with my aunt that night that flowed into the following day. She felt like shit and I explained to her it was not her fault. It was my aunts.

I also told her I needed to distance myself from them because I will get hurt for things I have no control of and I suggested she do the same.

I made an off the cuff comment about how good her christmas gift would be since that would make my holiday list extremely small. She said remember when we used to buy for 35 and then it dropped to five, now for her it would be one.

She said not to worry, we’ve been here before, I just don’t remember  it. I knew there was a time when she first returned with me to NYC after leaving my father. She was stuck in Florida and things were going really bad. She worked at McDonalds long enough to get one check, 2 bus tickets and packed what she could carry and headed back home. When she got here, my grandfather told her you made your bed, now lay in it. He refused to take her back. She went to her uncle and aunt, they got her emergency housing the following week and set her up with the very bare essentials. This corresponded with thanksgiving, maybe 1979 or 80.

There was no big meal, just a very small chicken. Now at the age of three I was a total motor mouth. A mini person and she told me how upset she was that we had no big family dinner and just a small bird and a boiled potato each. She was on the verge of tears until I sat down and took the first bite. She said I went on and on about how good this”turkey” was, how I never liked turkey before but this was really amazing and look how little and cute it was!. She said I turned her tears to joy and it’s a holiday she would always remember. To her as long as we have the two of us that’s all she needs.

Funny that I really never knew we were poor.

So for my birthday,I’ll spend it with her. I’ll say goodbye to my cousin, fight with my aunt, remember my stepfather and hopefully we can both turn tears into joy

 

Long Talks

Yesterday was three days in one. The first part dealing with the dermatologist. If your kink is humiliation, I suggest a full body exam. This is not a kink of mine, so standing there naked as my body is put under a magnifying mirror was not a fun experience for me. I did get a couple of little things removed near my eyes and suffered for that vanity the rest of the day. The good news is my love of the sun has not caused any issues, so until next year I won’t have to go through that. So now keep in mind the rest of the day I have what could only be described as itchy, burning around my eyes. Lasers to your lower lid are not the way to start a weekend.

Then to the good part of the day. Yoga. It was an unexpected class. The studio was hosting teacher training and it was mostly super advanced students saying goodbye to a teacher they knew well that was moving out of state. So the hour class extended to two and there was a portion of acro yoga that was a real treat. I’ve made it a point to speak to at least one stranger per class and even though I’ve gotten no numbers it’s gotten me out of my shell. See the issue I have with flirting at yoga, well, it’s just a creepy thing to do. It’s an unwritten rule, not to creep on people at yoga because it’s a “safe” zone. It would be like me being one of those dudes at the gym. No one likes the dudes at the gym or the way you feel when one approaches.

Time to go, I’ll get back to this post on the train.

Happy Staycation

Finally a week off.

If I stick to the plan laid out I will complete 11 yoga classes this week. Everyone of them a different practice and level, even a barre class throw in for good measure. Don’t worry Sir I’m not over doing it, if I’m going to teach, I need to be at this level. Oh I even found out yesterday that the fancy studio pays on a scale of how many students show per class. It’s funny how different studios pay. I hear equinox pays the highest, guess I should have stayed in touch with the heartless Domme D.

I got into some very weird mood yesterday before yoga. Even though I got a good laugh over the very broken screen protectors, I fell into a funk and I found myself laying on my bed. I had to give myself a pep talk to get back up. It was something like, look around, you did this, no one handed you anything, blah x3. I did get back up and had a really good class. Even better that I know the workshop is affordable and I’ll be going back again in April. The teacher did say something that has me thinking again. I asked her where she trained and yet again it was the other studio I was contemplating, not the aireal one. It seems as though the style that they train the teachers there is something I really like. Hell, even crazy lady enjoys it and gave herself a treat of a month practicing there. So now I’m back on the fence and only have a couple of months to choose.

After you went to sleep last night I got into a totally different mood. I guess I started to hyper-analyse myself. This being a side affect of yoga, looking internally to figure out what your soul needs. I’m on a a mission to try to figure out what I need in life to feel some sense of wholeness. I was throwing around the need for a more steady female relationship. Play partner and friends are great and all, but I don’t think for me that it is enough. I know if N had more freedom I wouldn’t be feeling like this. I think it’s that need to be physically grounded, in a non kinky way. When my moods swing as high and low as they did yesterday I need that skin to skin connection to make everything ok. This is something I can’t get from a one off experience. There’s a part of me that wants to have someone that’s mine. I guess a need to own. Maybe that’s why my top drop was so bad. Even in the very beginning of this journey I had expressed my want to give another female aftercare but I think it’s growing into much more than that.

Today I’m in a much more task oriented mind frame. I have a list and time points to meet. Yet I’m torn between my need to be alone and with others.