Busy days

I had a really good meeting. 9am, I was ready, excited. I ran it and got a personal thank you and literal pat on the back from my vp. Plus bonus points for not throwing anything:)

Today is historically a weird day. I don’t go out to the bars, I actually do the opposite abd with reason. Kelly green dress on that’s 20 years old, crap make that 22, but not worn except for st paddy’s day. A gift from nana, I call it vintage old navey. It’s tradition. That and not getting drunk. I have one beer, that’s it and it’s not in some crowded bar.

This is also the 26th sober anniversary for my mother, good Irish girl she is. 

Funny I don’t drink to cheers her, I drink to celebrate that I’m not her.

It’s silly, but it’s tradition.

Too many humans 

I’m burnt out and it’s only 10am. 

Lately I’ve had to deal with too many people. The main problem I have is dealing with too many personalities and I really wish I could maybe cut it down to 5 tops.

My cousin cancelled and o’s heading to the west coast. I’m happy for her, she’s needed a real vacation for a while and her best friend is stationed there.

That leaves me with tickets for a very late Saturday show. Sir suggested a couple of people to ask, but, I really would like to go with someone I know and like as a person. One girl, I haven’t spoken too in over a month and the other one is nice to go to events with but that’s where it ends for me. She’s too into her cunt and bring with a different mam every night. I’m not judging but the reality is she’s the type to say yes today and then cancel for cock reasons.

Speaking of people that cancel all the time…I get a call from little R as I’m trying to get to work. My phone decides to freeze so I couldn’t answer.something said, text her back. Thank god I did. So I yell her I’m running late and I’ll call her when I get in. No response. I say fuck it, I’m already in a shit mood so I follow through and call. No response. All of a sudden u get a call from her sugar mommas line and it’s her! She’s hiding from her old boss. Of course she called because she needed me to swipe her into the other building for an interview. So stupid, like they won’t ask her old boss about her? 

Please don’t let her cone back. Work has been so much nicertain without her. She never asked how I was, instead gave me shit over not calling her. Ughhh.

So now I’m tring to find someone I want to be around this weekend and I’m not thrilled.

The day that never was.

For the majority of the east coast that was yesterday. I had been wanting a day of nothing and got it. I cuddled the pups, watched more tv than I have in 6 months.

Sir was not feeling well, so I left him alone. By the time he was better I was ready for bed.

I was so bored I even went on a swing site and answered messages. That for me is true boredom.

The birthday is looming. So far I’m dealing with it, I guess. Ignoring it is a form of dealing. The next few days I’ll be working, gyming and doing hair. That will leave me just enough time for sleep. 

Snowy soft days

It’s not pretty snow, more like raging ice from hell in NYC.

Yet today I want to have a “soft” day. Everything is closed, so I have no temptations to go outside, not even to the gym around the corner. My yoga studio sent the cute NAMASTE-IN -BED message that they are suspending classes. The city that never sleeps seems to be taking a nap. The pups are in a pile and sleeping soundly. This big old brick building is peaceful. No screaming babies as I guess everyone is sleeping soundly.

Last night was fun. N had her whole family and FGD, the host, the hostess and 3 of their friends showed up for a nice Monday night jazz show. It was funny to see such a mix of people get along so well. FGD needed it. This was the place he would celebrate things with FetGirl. Not because she liked it, but because he did. When N said her nephew needed to write a paper on jazz, I could only think, we should all go there. New memories had to be made for him. He needed to see that it was still a good place and now the number of people there for him has grown, not diminished because one has left. For that one he gained four and his friends continue to grow as people get to know him, not them.

I didn’t just do it for him. Something in me needed to be with people yesterday too. I just needed a good day and I got one.

So now I have lots of little things to do in the house and the building is starting to show signs of life. I’m still going to be soft about things. I’m not going to rush from one chore to the next. I tend to be super hard on myself and today is about being easy.

 

If I were a rich girl…

That was the weekend I had.

Friday night yoga in a super upscale hipster neighborhood. What an unusual mix of people. Part super newbies, the entire queer population and me.

It was great, but I only have one more class at that studio. Came home and l stopped by. I told him to get over himself. He was all pissy because n might come to the birthday night out and he didn’t want to cause a scene. So I told him, then dont. I don’t give two fuck if yoh two aren’t speaking and I told him a long time ago, he doesn’t need to be friends with everyone I’m friends with.

I also told him I don’t like his new friends and I can still be cordial to them, he should show me enough respect to do the same.

Saturday yoga got cancelled and n stopped by. I got a quick nap and my stitches out. Later to see Regina spektor. It was a great night. I got to eat real food again, oh how I missed food.

Sunday, dayli g ht savings screwed me up and I overslept. It wa s nt the end of the world. I got my nails done, headed to a yoga class, stopped for coffee then back to the fancy studio for a restorative class.

It hit me in the first class. A perfect t life would mirror a good asana. Breathe, prepare, do something really hard, relax. Repeat. I don’t mind putting in the work if you know that relief is there when you stop. After that hard practice the restorative to me was even more work. It’s what I mainly wish to teach, because for me it’s a challenge. The goal is to let go, not to work, not to think to release and be in that very moment. At the end, nothing in life can get you down.

Today didn’t start great. I grabbed one dog then my phone, then the other and I wasn’t awake enough. I had a choice drop a dog or the phone, so the end result is a cracked screen. I didn’t get upset, it sucks because Sir brought me the phone, but phones can be fixed, little old dogs may not be.

Becky has agreed if the office is open he will cover snowpocolyse. It’s his turn and luckily he doesn’t leave for vacation until Wednesday. So tomorrow is a,snow day. I could do without it, but oh well.

Missing Sir, very mushy. He’s the only thing I would have added to my rich girl weekend.

Phrasing 

Funny though occurred to me today. Sir phrases things in an exact manner. An example, when he’s planning a surprise. He will say things like, he’s been busy and had no privacy to speak. That was because he was traveling to see me. Things like that.

that isnt just reserved for the D types though. I remembered when I was around 12 I did something similar to my mother all of the time. She had declared I was not allowed on the ferry. Oh stupid mother, she never said I was not allowed in the city.I wasn’t your normal 12 year old, I traveled by myself all of the time. I really think childhood ended for me on my 8th birthday and I went straight to adulthood.

I think this demand was prompted by one of her friends seeing me traveling to the city. I used to go downtown and just read at battery park when I was bored.

So I took out my map, subway and bus, yes actual paper and realized I could take a bus to bklyn. Problem solved. So like a good girl I promised, I’d never be caught on the boat and never was. 

That was when I discovered my current neighborhood. I got off the bus and I knew it was familiar. I walked around and it wasn’t much different looks wise, but it was mostly Irish aND Italian. I found a rare record store and some great cheap clothes, mom and pop places. I never made it onto the train that day.

We moved the following month and for years after, we moved often. My mother would comment how it was funny, no matter where we went, my room would have a view of the bridge. I guess it was always my secret escape route.

Feeling grateful

I bitch too much on here. I think it might be because I’m normally at work writing this or because with the exception of Sir I don’t openly complain to anyone but …me.

It’s taken fourty years to start being ok with me. The physical, emotional, the entire…me.

I think I’m about 80% there. Lol, maybe I’m being optimistic but that’s how I feel. I owe much to Sir. Even if it’s not directly him, but his support. To him, I needed community, friends, playpartners, to go and live life. 

I don’t think I noticed that I had stopped doing that. I was always the ring leader and I had sadly gone inside and closed down for a few years. I had been hurt way too much and I was tired of it.

Yet there was a part of me that wanted to live again. I think that’s why I get that lonely feeling sometimes. It’s my w as y of reminding me where I was and how far I’ve come. 

Missing sir

Feed Back

Something that in a D/s relationship is super important, but so lacking in the land that is vanilla. I just realized that today.

First I’ll start with yesterday. Back at the dentist again. It all worked out and I seem to be on the mend. FGD and N met me after the appointment and we all headed for a lite dinner and a drink. N was super stressed out and needed laughs and cuddles. FGD needed his friends. I think he’s feeling really lost lately. As crazy as the two of us can be we have an oddly grounding effect on him. When we have conversations they are open and without the bull shit of things we should say and such. They are honest and based upon our thoughts and feelings.

Sir would have enjoyed our little outing. All of us were dealing with different stresses and pressures and by the end we had smiles and there weren’t even spankings involved.

I had to work last night and it’s left me rather empty today. Sir was nice enough to give me many wake up calls so I didn’t have to stay up straight through. I just finished the couple of hours of things I had to do for work today and in a meeting with a vendor it hit me. Why am I the only one that supplies feed back? I believe in a business sense no feed back is an attempt to hide things. This rings true in all relationships and I no longer understand people’s inability to just say what’s going on, how they are affected by things.

It really pisses me off. Having said that yesterday’s mood had lifted and maybe a bit of frustration is what I need to get life up and running again. I am so sorely missing my yoga practice. Dentist number one said I was cleared, now for dentist number two to agree. If so I’m thinking of heading to a new studio and an all levels class tonight. As much as I’d hate to, I’m probably better off not doing crazy lady tomorrow, but I found a restorative class that may be a better option than a hard fast level 4. I feel cramped, not in any one place, but just in general. I need to get some freedom from the bad pain I’ve dealt with and to start feeling like me again, without rushing things. Right now I’m ok about an 8 on the good scale. Best I’ve been in a week.

I’m going to start by taking a nice long walk, alone, no dogs, just me and some music.

Moments

Warning – morose level 100.

Today I had a moment. I was passing the bathroom mirror. I stopped and all I could thing is “how the fuck did you end up here?”

Here being alone and in pain.

I think it’s the pain talking, but it’s feeling of “all alone” just sucks.it’s my fault, I did this to myself and now I deal with the consequences.