There’s no laughing in BDSM:)

Anyone in the NYC scene that’s been around fire play will know that’s a tag line of one great player.

Last night after along work day and in a rather shitty mood I headed out with N to our usual party. Since there has been much drama in our group, the crowd has changed and I must say it’s for the better.

I had to go. Sir offered to get me out of it and be the bad guy, but someone had to be there for N. It was her first time topping a guy and I knew she was going to be super high and in Dom space and that’s something that you should have a friend there to see.

So at one point I’m watching n in one corner go to town on this guy. The hostess in another getting some amazing rope, and in yet another corner a funny fire play scene. I’m not usually one to sit on the side lines, but I was already in the line for fire play and none of the people I would normally play with were available.

I was chatting with a switch that I’ve seen at many parties and just being generally social. All three scenes went well.

After N was all smiles and totally invincible. I knew she would react like that. She needed to top a man, since her history and upbringing has had her always being suppressed by men. I made sure she took care of her sub and he was happy with the scene.

When it was time for my scene we started with a negotiation and some testing of the fire. He’s good in that no matter how many times he plays with someone he will always test to see where they are that night. After realizing that we had played before, he came up with a special finally.  All warmed up with some relaxing fire on my back he flipped me over and the tickles started. It’s all a mind fuck, with quick burst of fire to my nipples and jokes. He took the cotton out and started to make it fluffy. That’s when I noticed he had more cotton than usual. Instead of lighting each tit up he made a bridge and set my entire chest ablaze and I laughed so hard and the more I laughed the more he laughed and the whole place was laughing. I think it helped he had me scream a count down to the finally to get everyone attention. It worked. After was big hugs and yup, more laughter. When you get as low as I really was yesterday, there’s really not much more you can do, but to laugh.

My mood was brought on by a few things that yesterday I could not see. First I had cleared my day to review documents that were due from a vendor at work and needless to say, they never delivered them. So  was dealing with work frustration and listening to the asshole that sits next to me just fed into the shitty mood all day. That feeling was running along with really missing Sir. It will be almost 2 months in between visits and that generally doesn’t do well for my mood. I was talking with that switch and she also has a long distance dynamic with someone and she said that it’s hard when what you feed off of is connection, because sometimes you feel so very disconnected by the distance. I know exactly what she was talking about.

 

I have

Nothing at all worth saying today.

If I may ask…

There are things n needs to learn and I just can’t teach her. Like what you taught o. 

Guess that’s my kinky thought of the day. 

Back to yesterday.

This book is little, cover to cover is a half hour read, tops.

The law of detachment. This isn’t changing to a lack of goals or an I don’t care attitude, but it’s an acceptance of uncertainty. You lay the ground work to suceed, and if you accept uncertainty (remain detached) you won’t feel compelled to force solutions on problems. It allows you to stay alert and focused and to grab opportunities as they arise.

To me its more detached involvement. I over think things and tire myself thinking of every possible solution. I invest too much energy in this. What I’m going to try to do is what I really was hired to do at work. Gather the requirements and stop trying to solution. 

So according to my little book this is what I should do:

Practice detached involvement. Stay alert to the opportunity within every problem by letting go of my idea of how things should be.

Accept uncertainty as an essential part of my experience. In willingness to accept uncertainty solutions will spontaneously appear.

Remail open to all possibilities and enjoy every moment in the journey of my life.

See detaching isn’t not caring, but caring enough to allow things to work themselves out.

Lessons

I tried reading some rather difficult texts on yoga philosophies. 

Deciding, I’m so nit there yet, I brought starter books. One is 7 lessons for sucess. Turns out one lesson is something that I do and have done this past year. I’ve been working on my dharma. That’s taking gifts you have and sharing them with others. I’ve been doing this thinking, hell maybe my karma will improve. Turns out its connected, but not.

It can be practiced in both tangible and intangible ways. Doing the girls hair, the ones I never charge anything but a hug for. Even sharing knowledge at work in a clear and understandable fashion. Listening to l even when I feel emotionally I’ve got nothing else to give. Being there for n, when she thinks the world has abandoned her.

I found another lesson I think would benefit me and that’s learning the art of disconnecting. Meeting time so I’ll explain that later.

Why I hate Poetry

Funny I started watching 13 reasons why. I debated if I could emotional deal with it and feared some really bad triggers but so far, nope, none. It is really a well done show and for someone who was the school slut I can see it from a different view than most. The differences in my experience was that I actually did most of the things I was accused of and I never thought of killing myself because I hung out with so many suicidal people. I always looked at them and thought they were weak. It wasn’t until I was an adult that I experienced anything worth the thought of throwing myself in front of a train.

So last nights episode kinda pissed me off. It’s funny because it taught me the way you see things isn’t always the way they are. Sometimes you think one thing happened and when you see it from the outside it was very different.

On to the reason for the title of this blog.

I used to write poetry. All the time. I carried a small book with me to jot things down. By the time I finished my first high school I had filled 20 of those small books and even had three published. My ex is an author, his writing pretty much sucks. Mine was different, it was sad, I mean the type of sad that would have gotten me institutionalized. I was going though shit and I let it all out on those pages.

When I left that school I left poetry. I closed that chapter of my life and started a new one. Now even when I’m reading other people’s blogs, if I see a poem, I will skip it. I can’t even look at them. In that time, it saved me, but it is no longer a means to release my thoughts. The poems and books are all gone, burnt. I think there might be some in a box my mother has of yearbook and such. Funny since she’s never read them.

 

A third family

I’ve never been a joiner. My ex and I used to fight over that all the time. He would join clubs and organizations. I used to tell him he had issues because he was always looking to “belong” to something.

I told him once, I don’t join, I lead.

In hindsight, god that was true. It was a problem we had from the very beginning.

When I had first met my Sunday yoga teacher we had talked about family. This was not in the context of blood relatives, but her moving across the country and loosing her community of yoga family.

This stuck with me. It wasn’t because I felt similar, but because she seemed so lost without it. When crazy lady told me about this weekends conference I knew I had to tell her. What made this event different from the other I’ve attended is that is was for teachers, shhhh, I really shouldn’t have been allowed in, but no one knew.

She joined me for a noon time free class and as we were strolling the market after she was able to chat and for the first time had a true smile, not a fake I’m getting by face. She left for work and with a big hug said “thank you” I needed that.

I stuck around, thinking I’ll take 2 more classes and in pops crazy lady. She was going between teaching her classes and making the most of the free pass she managed to get the day before. She said that the paid classes weren’t worth it and to stick to the master’s level community classes I was in. She had to go teach in union square so I took the next class alone. God it was hard, like harder than her classes. My knee started to scream, so I decided another class wasn’t a great idea.

Sir and I spoke on and off. I told him I was going to head to union Square to stroll around and stop in Trader Joe’s for the dogs wine and cheese. I swear they eat better than me.

There were options for last night, go to a party, go to the movies with FGD and N or go get a silly amount of sushi and hang out with the dogs. We agreed that was my best option. I was exhausted but mentally good and the other two plans could have changed that space.

Today is yet another packed day of classes and hopefully meeting the hostess for dinner. It’s important I check on her face to face outside of the crowd we are normally in. She has had way too much drama lately. I really feel for her. Oh Sir you know how you said the host should post something? Turns out she did. It took balls and she was made to look like an ass. The lines have officially been drawn for now and I’m going to try to just stay out of all of it, while still letting her know I’m her friend. It’s totally a crappy situation.

 

It ain’t easy

There are many times I wish I was not a masochist. I wish I could process emotions without pain. To me it seems like it would be so much easier.

I get emotionally hurt and really try to not seek the pain, but I end up in the worst mind frame. It’s like being in a constant war internally.

This weekend Sir agreed with a much more hands off approach with people. I’m sucking in way too many of there emotions adding to my already full head. A long weekend of yoga, 7 classes in 3 days. A controlled healthy version of pain.

For the first time I saw pictures of my practice. I really had no idea how far I’d come until looking at the third party image. They were sent with a message of gratitude from crazy lady. To her there is no better feeling then when a student reaches a teacher level and she says I have. That’s a big boost going into today.

What I need  to do is keep my masochistic streak under control and not over do things.

I’m still empty, numb. My intention for today is to refill. I’ve been reading this book on zen practices and discovered it’s way to advanced for me. I’m just not there yet mentally so I picked up a more beginners book. My hopes is to combine the physical with the spiritual and work on my karma a bit. I’m one of those people that really believe in karma and that I must have been a total douchebag in a prior life.

 

Well, because…..people

Working from home monday. I have three documents to write and a 20 chapter spec for review. My boss told me, do it at home, because….people.

I agree totally with that statement. 

A part of me wants to say, fuck all people this weekend. Shut down the phone, the email, all of it. Go back to just dealing with me. 

I feel like shit, bitch level 8. Guilt level 100. Yesterday a text really got to me. It’s not drop, it’s life and dealing with the choices I’ve made, I continue to make. 

I want to go to bed.

Fucking landmines

They are everywhere.

Today I will be navagating them at work and socially. 

Drama is unfolding in the local community. It’s a drama I’ve known about and now it’s out in the public eye. 

See, its one thing when vanilla people end relationships, but it’s much more .. ..it’s like a train wreck when open-poly-add 500 dynamics do. Too many people involved, too many resentments and the risk of violence exceedingly high.

Plus there’s this need to blast this shit all over social media. That’s the part I don’t like. It’s one thing to say, I’m warning others of a consent violation, but it’s another to do it for attention. 

So today, I’ll pretend I don’t know everything that’s going on. I’ll act oblivious and keep en eye on all those landmines.

The slave needs a slave

I wish!

Someone to do the little things and the bigger stuff to. 

Take out the dogs.

Set the coffee.

Go get groceries.

Hold me, when my day has been absolute shit and I have nothing left to give.

I’ve yet to come across anyone so altruistic.