The conversations I have

Most of them never reach my lips.

Sir asked for some female perspective advice yesterday. The advise was secondary but what I had acknowledged was not. The guilt regarding the things I do, never goes totally away. Like other things, I developed better coping skills.

After the birthday party I was doing some errands and the moment I turned the corner onto my block that internal voice came to life. 

How could you do that? How could you have liked that? How do you look at yourself in the mirror? Your friends have no respect for you! How many other people saw that and think you’re nothing but a dirty whore? 

That intire mantra happened within a split sencond. I stopped took a deep breath and responded.

I did like it, it was safe. My friends planned it because they know that. End of story. 

I mean hell, they chipped in for the strapon. Plus  Sir spent the week talking to n, because she was freaking out about not telling me.

Sir was sleeping, so this internal battle was forgotten. Yes, I should have told him, but if I told him every battle and doubt, I’d never do anything else. It’s constant, my brain hardly ever stops and most times its have multiple patterns of thoughts at once. Luckily I’m a good multi Tasker. 

I spoke with my mother about the hot flashes and night terrors. She says it’s normal, like when you have a high fever and hallucinate. Last night wasn’t bad. I woke up a couple of times, but it was because my little girl dog was trying to hide under me from the rain. 

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