My mother says

It has to get worse before it gets better.

This is oddly her view on life in general. It’s not mine. I’d rather savor the little moments, but not have to hit rock bottom to do it.

Last night my body spun out of control. It was the worst night yet. Around 9 I was playing with the pups, the day itself was just off. Plans cancelled, things forgotten, generally not going well. I decided to just give in and stop, just be  for a bit, without a goal. The heat started to rise.

I went in and opened the windows in the bed room, folded back the blankets. After a few minutes I lowered myself onto the cool sheets and cooling pillow and texted sir.

My body temp started to come down. We chatted and I read a small bit before I fell asleep. It lasted maybe an hour, then the lava started again. Sir suggested I talk to the therapist about this and the night terrors, but I’ve done that before. As a child I was in therapy for sleep issues. I know what causes it. 

The terrors used to be from the fear if being vunerable. Some really horrible events happened when I was young and many times my mother would wake me saying, we have to leave, bags packed and horror in her eyes. This stopped when I was around 9, but it stayed with me for years.

This is not that.

This is a mental reaction to a physical change. Small parts of my day will get stored and as the body heat goes up the risidual memories become distorted and forms the night terrors. They are not dreams because they occur in a twilight state. They seem so real because parts of them are. 

So now I’m so drained. Sitting at work and I have no ability to multi task. I’m going to take one thing at a time and hope I get the minimum done.

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