Stress and the slave

It could be sex if I had a vomit fetish.

My stomach is in knots over work and the way things are going. I’ve alerted my bosses to the fact that a meeting this afternoon may set me over the edge. I’m lucky, they are good people that have my back.

I spent most of the weekend with n and fgd. It was nice. Saturday, good food and after dealing with my family on easter a night sunset hanging out on the rooftop. I still feel crappy going home alone but I felt a little less so.

I looked at my email and I have an invite to happy hour and a lunch and learn with a topic of stress management. Guess I’m not the only one feeling the pressure.

L from work is in a really bad way. I took a few minutes this morning to try to help her find a psychologists. She’s taken to the bed and is pretty much suicidal. 

I feel helpless.

It’s like I’m riding a wave and I have no way if controlling where I’ll end up.

A first

Not mine, but a first for N.

Yesterday my spirit was gone. I had just hit a wall and the stress was palpable. My personality was gone. I know going out helps this, but I really just wanted to go under a blanket and cry. Sir said no, I was going out.

When you feel shitty, never let it show. So all done up and to a party. The three of us and a promise that I was first on the bench. Somehow N got it into her head that she was going to spank me. FGD is the official spanking supervisor and he did his job.

She did a nice warm up, something I suck at and then used my paddle and eventually the firehouse. She checked on me many times, but sadly she couldn’t bring the tears. FGD saw that and stepped in when she tired out. The first slap of the hand I knew the change and burst out crying. I needed those tears like oxygen. The entire scene lasted about an hour and a half. I could have gone longer but N needed to play as well and I had a curfew.

I freaked out a bunch of Newbie’s I went from crying to cuming, to crying, to hysterical laughter, then back to crying. Funny the laughter scared them the most. That’s when you know I’ve totally let it all go. I never feel better than when I laugh.

I think I have a plan that may help us to not drop so bad. N and I play Tuesday, then the social Thursday with a light maintenance spanking and Saturday we had plans to go out. One of the main reasons I didn’t want to play and haven’t been is the drop. I can’t drop with all the work shit going on, so the only alternative is to continue to play.

This is really not the best way to keep balance, but I have to for at least the next week until work levels out a little.

 

Social exhustion

Yesterday was……beyond hard. 

Meetings and my boss brought her 4 year old in. I will say coloring during a two hour long meeting was good for keeping my temper under control. I asked if we could allow that as part of our workflow. 

It’s friday and I still have a ton of work to do. No fair, since the entire neighborhood was still sleeping when I kept for the office today. It was like a Sunday morning. 

I tried a new workout yesterday gyrotonic tower. They say it’s yoga for dancers and once I was taught some monifications for my feet I really enjoyed it. 

I also forgot to tell Sir next weekend is the yoga journal conference at the Hilton in the city. Crazy lady told me and it’s stupid expensive , but they have a few free community classes. Today I’ll find out what ones she signed up for and register. 

I’m a little pensive about my ortho appointment tomorrow. If my knees are as bad as I think, I need to reevaluate teacher training. Is getting certified worth possibly not being able to continue practicing as I do? Plus if they can fix them it would mean recovery time and I’d loose a large part of the strength I’ve worked really hard to achieve. 

Tonight I’m going out with n and fgd. Part of me wants to stay in. This past week has been a drain on me socially. I feel like saying good morning is an extreme effort. These are the days I really wish I had a family. The days where I’d like to come home fall onto the couch, order food and cuddle with a good movie. I know sounds weird to be socially exhusted but to want people to come home to.

What am I missing?

I do this thing where I totally ignore that voice on my head. That voice that says things aren’t right.

I do this until either that doubts come true or I explode.

Not the greatest personality flaw, but I know I do it. I own it. 

Last night I had a really shitty dream and the parts of it I recall were just crap.

 When Sir plans things he gives me what I refer to as “Dom” answers. They aren’t lies, they are stories in liu of actual answers or he just becomes generally vague. There are times I just accept that and move on, other times they sit in my subconscious brain.

This leads to mild insecturies. Lately I’ve gotten a feeling that isn’t sitting well. Not going to write about it here.

On a lighter note, mean, bitchy, drop n has returned to almost normal. 

Let’s hear it for the strong ones

Doesn’t matter your gender, age or how you identify there’s the strong and the weak.

Funny I don’t think that many people who see them self as strong really are. Most are just martyrs. Strong is knowing when you need help. Strong is being broken and damaged abd still having faith that not everyone on this world is going to hurt you.

Being weak, that’s totally different. I see so many people saying oh poor me. Full of resentments and made up problems or worse real problems that they blow up in their own heads.

These are the ones I know I need to stay away from. Nothing brings up my anger like these people.

Funny this post has jack shit to do with lifestyle friends it is actually more directed towards people at work. This is the place I am the strongest and one by one….the weak are showing themselves.

Shhhhhh

Don’t tell then I’m here!

That’s me at work today, I’m hiding!

Maybe if I stay quite no one will bother me. Tomorrow will be a much different day, so I’m going to just enjoy this moment of peace 

Talking with the hostess brought up a few po derived points for me. Like fir instance, why do other submissive girls pissed me off? 

It’s sad, but the really do, or at least the local ones. The are either flighty or devious.

I also told her o was back and I’m really not excited by that. Not that I don’t like her, we just aren’t what we need.  

It’s a sad kind of funny, because we both need more. She needs a third for her family, all three of them. I just need a female to trust without all the strings and obligations. 

This all makes  me question some things about myself. I guess I’m in a weird mood, not happy not sad, just kinda not satisfied. Maybe hippy guy and coffee with l will change that. 

SILENCE

Crap that test was loud. I also got a massive cramp in my back as I stayed there not moving for an hour. It was the ultimate test of my ability to meditate.

I refuse to let this stop my plans for what is as close to a perfect Sunday as I can have.  Pilates class followed by shopping and getting my eyebrows done. Off to downtown bklyn for a yoga class and then to union square. I have this horrid lipstain to return, a stop for some good wine and cheese for my little dog. Yeah, that’s right for my dog….

Then I think I’ll head over to one of the last large chain book stores still open. I’m looking for something on different restorative practices and I need that in actual print. I miss the smell of  real books, nothing beats it.

The weather promises to be perfect so I may just set out on a long walk. I’ll see how I feel and how the dreaded trains are running. Yesterday they seemed ok going to the city, but home, not so much. Maybe I’ll treat myself to a bus ride instead. Guess I’m feeling rich today. I invited FGD. Today is a year ago that the last nail in the coffin of his and Fetgirls relationship was hammer in. She took another man to a place that was there’s and he would never forgive her. I carry some guilt about this. I can’t help it. I was there, worse Sir and I went with her. So I feel as though I should make sure he ok, even if he doesn’t recall the date. I do know he was thinking about her the other day. It’s been a year and I think marking the first year is the hardest.

An up note, my hands are still cold. Never thought that would be a good thing, but now that I know the fire within me, I’ll take cold hands instead.

Not much more to say, my brain is still a little still from yesterday……..

Fucking Pervert

Today was a weird but good day.

I got my period-ish, guess that’s what all the hot flashes were about this past week.

Did the normal, laundry, errands, went for a run all before heading to the main event. A workshop in park slope called “restoring the soul”. It’s at that swanky studio I can’t afford. I had needed some odds and ends at the hardware store and the one near me was closed, but I recalled one on the same block as the studio.

Its really small, really well stock and to get down an isle you have to turn side ways, typical new york. The trains were a mess but as luck would ave it a coworker needed to Uber (her very first time) so I send her the link and got a credit. Knowing I did not want to be late I jumped on that free ride and went to the store first.

There was a youngish guy looking for a welcome mat. I was looking at a big wall of screws and I heard him but didn’t look at him. He was talking to an employee in the other isle. He must have seen me in my best yoga clothes and hell, I even had makeup on and the mat on my shoulder. He then comes up the isle and tries to squeeze by me. I turn sides ways and he bends down a bit and says very low, I just wanted to smell you.

My first reaction is to scream in my head, YouFUCKINGpervert! I catch myself and start to uncontrollably laugh. Me? I just called him a pervert???? Oh that irony was not lost. He paid for his stuff and left. Poor guy, if that’s his fetish, he missed out because it was before class and not after. Plus at this studio you leave smelling like expensive candles and essential oils, not dirty gym girl.

I guess this whole comical NY moment had me in a weird headspace for the class. I love restorative. I never feel better that after one of these classes. It’s as though I did the most difficult practice and I glow. Funny because it’s the practice of not using your muscles, the practice of letting go. Lots of guided meditation and props to allow you body to stay in the poses without the need to use your muscles.

It wasn’t until final relaxation that it made perfect sense to me.

Here is the cross-over between this very Yin practice and it’s more than just it is the practice of submitting. When you enter the class the teacher is your Dom/Domme, not doubt about that. You need to trust them that their voice will guide you. It’s like a hypnosis scene, similar to Sir when he tucks me in at night. Plus its the waiting. As you wait in the pose you have to be in a clear state of mind, like subspace. You have an eye bag so it’s like a blindfold. The only thing that exists is you and the teachers voice. It’s hard and a miracle. For the first time I was not hot.

I went to the teacher after and told her it was the first time in a week my hands were cold. My hands are normally always cold, but since the flashes got bad even when I’m not a full blast radiator I’m still warm. She told me a few positions I can do easily even in bed to cool the body down and a breathing exercise that will also help.

I left the studio with a clear head and feeling like a million buck. Not even the 4 trains it took to get home got me down.

I felt bad that I had to tell L and M that I couldn’t join them for dinner. The truth is I just wasn’t prepared. The plan was to go shopping and then see about food. It was so late I just thought that would mean next time. I have some cramps now, but I’m oddly happy to have them. It means I’m not there yet. Menopause isn’t in full effect and I’m still a partial viable female.

Today made me realize it’s the pervert in me that really loves restorative yoga. I think the pervert is winning over the type A competitor and that’s where my focus will go if I’m able to teacher train later in the year.