Thanks Sir

I know putting up with me when I don’t sleep can be a chore. 

Luckily the combo of yoga, vitamins, sage super ice cold tea and a glass of red wine, the cold pillow and cotton sheets worked. I slept, well except for when I had to run to pee:)

I also did a few things last night to lift my spirits, a facial, dyed my hair, allowed myself to relax and not feed into the stress I put on myself to succeed. 

Times like that are when I miss your physical presence. When I most need to feel you. I miss lap time and your smell when you give me warm hug.

I guess todays just a mushy kinda day. 

My mother says

It has to get worse before it gets better.

This is oddly her view on life in general. It’s not mine. I’d rather savor the little moments, but not have to hit rock bottom to do it.

Last night my body spun out of control. It was the worst night yet. Around 9 I was playing with the pups, the day itself was just off. Plans cancelled, things forgotten, generally not going well. I decided to just give in and stop, just be  for a bit, without a goal. The heat started to rise.

I went in and opened the windows in the bed room, folded back the blankets. After a few minutes I lowered myself onto the cool sheets and cooling pillow and texted sir.

My body temp started to come down. We chatted and I read a small bit before I fell asleep. It lasted maybe an hour, then the lava started again. Sir suggested I talk to the therapist about this and the night terrors, but I’ve done that before. As a child I was in therapy for sleep issues. I know what causes it. 

The terrors used to be from the fear if being vunerable. Some really horrible events happened when I was young and many times my mother would wake me saying, we have to leave, bags packed and horror in her eyes. This stopped when I was around 9, but it stayed with me for years.

This is not that.

This is a mental reaction to a physical change. Small parts of my day will get stored and as the body heat goes up the risidual memories become distorted and forms the night terrors. They are not dreams because they occur in a twilight state. They seem so real because parts of them are. 

So now I’m so drained. Sitting at work and I have no ability to multi task. I’m going to take one thing at a time and hope I get the minimum done.

The conversations I have

Most of them never reach my lips.

Sir asked for some female perspective advice yesterday. The advise was secondary but what I had acknowledged was not. The guilt regarding the things I do, never goes totally away. Like other things, I developed better coping skills.

After the birthday party I was doing some errands and the moment I turned the corner onto my block that internal voice came to life. 

How could you do that? How could you have liked that? How do you look at yourself in the mirror? Your friends have no respect for you! How many other people saw that and think you’re nothing but a dirty whore? 

That intire mantra happened within a split sencond. I stopped took a deep breath and responded.

I did like it, it was safe. My friends planned it because they know that. End of story. 

I mean hell, they chipped in for the strapon. Plus  Sir spent the week talking to n, because she was freaking out about not telling me.

Sir was sleeping, so this internal battle was forgotten. Yes, I should have told him, but if I told him every battle and doubt, I’d never do anything else. It’s constant, my brain hardly ever stops and most times its have multiple patterns of thoughts at once. Luckily I’m a good multi Tasker. 

I spoke with my mother about the hot flashes and night terrors. She says it’s normal, like when you have a high fever and hallucinate. Last night wasn’t bad. I woke up a couple of times, but it was because my little girl dog was trying to hide under me from the rain. 

Night terrors 

I wish I could recall them. They were so real. It happens when I’m stressed and the entire weekend I’ve been stressing out about work.

What scared me was that they were intensely reality based and kink related. It’s like a big mental warning to be careful. I feel like I live in a house of cards and it’s about to come crashing down.

How far you’ve come

Sometimes you need to go back to see how far you’ve come. I did that yesterday. Dressed in gym clothes, looking nothing special I went out for the day with mom.

I never realized how very depressing where I used to live really was. NO ONE WALKS! I’m totally serious, I saw not one person on the street and when we got back into my neighborhood I was so happy to see the hoards of people walking around, doing the normal Saturday stuff. I even told my mother and she agreed.

I often wonder if I would have made anywhere near as many changes without Sir. I’m not even talking about any of the kinky crap. In some forms behind closed doors I’ve had that in the past. I’m speaking of the real life stuff.

Something as simple as trying a new yoga studio alone. This is something I would have never done and one of the reasons that I never really pursued finding a yoga partner. In the past I needed to be with someone I new to do new things. Now I have the confidence to go it alone. Even if I suck at it, I feel accomplished that I tried something new.

Oh and btw, I got a girls number in yoga yesterday! Surprise Sir….. I didn’t say anything because I figured I could write it here. I used my spiffy new yoga mat as an opening. I had her try it and compared to the crap they use at the gym she was super impressed. To preface I have zero interest in her, but you said practice and I did.

Today walking to do my very early morning laundry I was happy to see the people out and about. I’ve always been happiest to be alone in a crowd. Not to stay alone, but to have it at my disposal to be around others even when my ability to be social fades. That’s kinda where I am right now. The past few weeks of being super social and kick ass at work had left me the need to be soft, still and calm.

This no longer means a total shut down as it did before. Instead I still keep in contact with those close. Yet I take the time to do the things that sooth me. The side effect is now I have enough food cooked to get me through about three weeks!

In short, thanks Sir, I’m starting to fins peace in this world of utter madness.