Once, no, make that twice a year I clean out the old. Not in the way my mother gives her furniture away, but in the form of the closets. Yesterday three big bags of garbage, lots of worn to pieces shoes. Two additional bags of too big clothing for N. Just in time since she has recently lost about 20 pounds.

I had a bag I kept in fear of gaining weight. I had to let the fear go and give them to someone that can make use of them.

That wasn’t the hard part.

When you walk into my apartment the first thing you see is my coat closet. The bane of my OCD existence. It keeps not only the coats but is my only storage for things like holiday decorations and assorted “stuff”. I normally have no issue with organizing anything, but the extremely large white box I have kept in there has taken up most of the floor space and …….

I keep saying “I’ll open it”. I never do. It’s like Pandora’s box in the form of bad and good memories. Yesterday after taking everything out of the closet and cleaning it. I took a deep breathe and said it’s now or never. A part of me had hoped the preservation was shit and it was in tatters, but no, it was still perfect, crisp, white, even the veil was not tarnished with the eleven years it sat in the box.

I did find it amazing that the outer box had a very long dead bee in it. Something so poisonous to me. I forgot how heavy it was, how much detail was on it. How unlike anything I would ever pick out. I hung it up and continued to organize the closet and after closing the door and re-opening it, I felt….nothing. No tears, no longing for a re-do. So I took it back out to inspect it. Some of the beading was coming off, nothing I can;t fix. What I thought would be stained from that nights thunder storms was cleaned and perfect. The though passes my mind to sell it on this Russian second hand site or do I stick to the plan to hem it into a Halloween costume that I would be able to wear? No decision has been made, but for now this dress no longer takes up space, it’s there and I can’t seem to put it in the garbage, but it’s not in any way the big deal I thought it would be.

I didn’t tell Sir about this because I knew I could write about it in a better way than I could speak of it. I did tell L and in L fashion he was upset. I told him, yes, it’s a sad reminder, but life moves on and this is proof that mine has.

Not much here

Yesterday was good. Spoke with Sir many times and had a rare enjoyable time with my mother.

I take care of things, it’s just what I do. Due to this I have a good amount of plants that have grown out of control this past winter and I need to get bigger pots. We used to go out every spring and get my plants for my garden. It’s sad to not be tending to my flowers anymore, but my house plants are flourishing. So I brought a few bigger pots and will transfer them all tomorrow.

Becky has started calling me poison ivy because my cubical looks like a jungle. I took everyone’s half dead plants and brought them back to life.

I used to get up 5am, every Saturday starting on Mother’s day week. I would go outside and pull weeds, I had every color of the rainbow flower. It was something I took great pride in. Maybe next year I’ll get some planters for the outside of the window. I need to see if the building allows this.

I also decided next year I’m moving. Too much has gone on this year that I’m stuck having to sign my lease again. It may not be to the village, but to a nicer part of this neighborhood. The views will be better and I want an elevator and laundry.

I saw a few listings near L from work that looked promising.

I guess it’s time to start doing things.

Just Sleep

Sir said in this mornings email that I should make plans with N and FGD to go out.

This weekend the two of them are together. They went to a Broadway show last night and then may have gone to a party. N suggested I go to the party with them, but there were a few factors that lead to me staying home.

The first one was the show. FGD has had some financial issues and had put off getting the tickets. N was getting very frustrated with this and pulled the big girl, I’ll just go alone card. I told her there’s no need for that I will go with you. Yes, it’s an expense but I now have a savings, although small, but I could have done it. When he mentioned it again last week and brought the tickets, there was never the thought, of oh, maybe I would still want to go? That’s me being petty, but I do enjoy the theater. I would have said no, since I’m not big on being the third wheel and in an instance like this I would have felt like that. Funny how going out to eat or to a party I don’t but this was something really dateish and different. It’s a story of, it would have been nice to be asked.

Also, there were no good parties last night. She was talking about going to a semi=swinger event thrown by some crazy red head that I had a run in with a couple of years ago. I’ll pass on that.

The main reason and the one I explained to her that made her say ok and totally drop the subject was Sir. He needs to sleep. I know when I’m out he won’t sleep. He will force himself to stay away until he hears my voice from the landline and right now, two weeks from the incident, he needs to rest in order to recover. So this weekend we will both rest. I will not add any extra stress into his life.

Sleep has been an ongoing issue with both Sir and I. The lack of normal sleeping patterns adds to the stress you have and your body can process. So never mind all the mental issues it will cause. It’s the physical ones that we are now dealing with. So my way of dealing, do as many good for you things as you can do in one weekend. Yoga, meditation, run, facials, hair treatments, juice fast…..the list goes one and for him, I just want him to try to get on a regular sleeping schedule.

The other night I mentioned to FGD that I was taking three days for a juice fast and he had a look of shock and horror, exclaiming “why would you do that?” He is our version of Miky, he will eat anything. He loves food. I told him it’s healthy, insert another look of horror and he says “you’re thin enough”. I tell him it’s not about the weight. It’s about letting your organs rest. Giving them a break from working so hard to breakdown food. Still not an acceptable answer. Then I think…..I know something that will shut him up! I tell him “I have to feed the Masochist” Eureka! He laughs and says ok, that I will accept. It’s totally a lie, but it is a rather nice side effect of fasting. Funny, I don;t get hunger pains in the way I’ve heard others describe them. For me this is about taking some control of my health. In the past it would have been starve to punish myself, but this isn’t that at all. My only hope is the juices taste ok. I haven’t used this brand before, but it’s one of those fresh pressed home delivered things, so it has promise.

So this weekend, we both just sleep, no alarms, no time tables, many things that can be done, but don’t need to be done. When you go through very hard things like we have, you need to be soft to yourself in return.


Busy day…. 

I’ve reach the point of mental exhustion that coherent thoughts are a challenge. I’m physically fine, my head has just been on overdrive too long.

Funny im sitting here prepping for a meeting and eating dry ceral. Poor Sir, our diets are so similar now.

My stomach has been in knots all day. 

I just keep saying make it through the work day, the rest is easy. I get my dental work finished. Then a celebration with n and fgd. 10 visits, 2 dentists later. 

It’s a little sad, our reservation tonight was for four, Sir would have liked the place. Pictures will have to do and it will go on the list of places to take him, some other time.

My mother and her chair

She has this thing she does. Every couple of years. She becomes overwhelmed with “things”. She’s the opposite of a hoarder. I look like a pack rat compared to her.

One of the problems is she’s been in one spot too long. Her gypsy heart can’t take that. When she moved in, she sold all of her brand new furniture. Her way of getting rid of my stepfather ghost. 

We had nicknamed her apartment the hotel room. Just the basic furniture, with very nice linens, little if any personality. We’ve spent the past few years collecting, decorating, even inserting life in the form of plants and my cujo killer dog.

So this past weekend the sudden change strikes. She says to me, I need room, I can’t breathe. Oh the analysis I could do on the conversation…..she said I need to get rid of the chair near the door. I turned and said I’ll take it. Then she started to list things she also wanted to get rid of. I talked her out of the rest. It took us so long to find these prices and I don’t have the room to take them all.

By the end of the day I had to say something. I told her, you kniw ypu always do thus, right? She looked puzzeled. I told her, you get things totally perfect, then in a rash moment, give it all away, just so you can start again. That sums up my mother perfectly.

I confessed to her that when she purchased the chair I purposely showed her the one she brought because it went very well with my furniture and I knew eventually it would be mine. Was that wrong, maybe, but I know her and for years I suffered this mindset, so now I might as well benefit from it. 

I’m not her, the things I have I cherish. I don’t give things I hold dear away. Only when I see someone that would benefit more than i, will I let go.

Work, work and, oh, some more work

That’s my week in a nut shell.

Counting down until the weekend. I’m stressed. 

I keep saying stop to myself. Don’t leave the present. Stay in the moment. There us t enough yoga in the world to make my head quite, so today I’ll try to run instead.

Sir is back to the doctors. I’m glad he’s being proactive in his treatment. 

I don’t know what else to say

Just roll with it

Plans change. 

Sir and I briefly discussed my need to take it easier. I’m going to try. He asked about maybe cutting a gym day on the weekend, but I’ve already stopped doing multiple classes. One every day helps.

Since plans change, I’ve decided this holiday weekend is going to be my break. I’m not taking to the bed or anything like that, but I’m going to try to improve and restore myself. I’m going to blend the physical, emotional and let my ocd out just a bit.

I had taken off tuesday to be with Sir and dammit, I’m keeping that request.

So for the physical:

Kertitain for my hair, a three day juice cleanse, a class a day, a detox bath and facial. Luckily I can do all of my own spa treatments and hit a good groupon fir the cleanse so I intend to spend less than 100 bucks all weekend, detox included.

For my spirit:

Good music, singing and dancing as I cook all day saturday, maybe some hugs from n and fgd.

For my ocd:

Clean the closets, change over the clothes.

For some that may sound like a shitty weekend, but right now I’m looking forward to it. It’s keeping me from looking too far forward and getting sad.

Good Morning Sir

I’m learning to try to relax. I’m learning not to plan everything.

No, the lists won’t stop. Life has a way of telling you what you should be doing and I’m going to take away some lessons that I believe we have both learned.

It’s funny because I realized that in the past 2 years I’ve been trying to cram in all the living I didn’t do in the past decade and as a result, burning myself out. That’s why when you would visit I would crash. I would relax and calm down.

Now I need to stop that. I need to figure out how to live life to the fullest, but still have some sown time. So today was no alarm day. Too bad the little dogs didn’t care. They wanted food and decided that I should be up. That’s ok, I’m showered, dressed and even have makeup on. Heading to a class and then out with mom for our post-mother’s day lunch.

Today’s goal….don’t let the Mother stress me out.

Hope you rested well.

Yogi Tears

I was supposed to go to an all day festival. There were five classes that interested me, sadly due to rain and racism that didn’t happen. Luckily I reached out to one of my friends that was there first to see if it was worth the fours hour train ride.

Instead I went to my normal Saturday class. I always say I hate that class, but it’s better than nothing. Today the teacher finally found a balance in her practice and transitions. The result, me a crying mess. By the time the weekend hits, I need to release. Sometimes it’s by a good hard impact scene, other times it’s cuming until I pass out, but mostly it’s a good hard class with a nice restorative part at the end. I hunt these classes down and sometimes will pay just or that one class at a fancy studio in order to function for the coming week.

Today I was able to let go and cry. I so needed those tears. They were tears from being strong, from not breaking down, from trying so hard o hide from Sir how very worried I was for him. Not for us, or for me, but really for him. N and FGD, hell even L and M saw it first hand. It was a coldness in my expression, an unfocused look in my eyes. It was the utter shut down of any emotion, so I didn’t feel afraid. Today I let it go an cried in the dark lights, I allowed myself to be weak and as a result left much stronger, calmer and focused.

Lots of weird things have been going on these past few days, but none of them were bad, just weird. Maybe I’ll write about that some other time.