It takes a horrible moment to realize what people mean to you.
I kept on having these dreams. My mind never shuts down. When I close my eyes it goes into overdrive. No amount of yoga or meditation will calm it. My only real escape is to fall asleep while in subspace and then I get a small break.
The dreams all surrounded Sir’s next trip. It made me apprehensive about his visit and I think it was making me come off as though I didn’t want to see him. The truth I really did, I’ve missed him so much but these dreams.
He’s not been feeling well and I’ve seen this before. I asked him many times to see a doctor. My hope was I was projecting my pat onto my present and it wasn’t too bad. The first sign of something wrong was about six months ago. I was taking off his shoes and noticed swelling along with a translucent quality to his skin. He said it was nothing and I rationalized it that we had walked rather far that day. There was another instance when he told me he sometimes had to use smelling salts. I think that’s when my mind really went and started with the dreams.
All the little things in the past six months were building. Yesterday Sir had been all packed. I had everything ready, last minute a menu planned an event and a precious day to ourselves to cuddle and get some needed quality time as it poured out today. I even took a conference call at Costco during work because I was running low on coffee and forgot to get roasted red peppers. I got back to my desk to get a call that I had know was coming. He wasn’t well. So not well that he was headed to a walk in center.
I didn’t tell him that if it was what I thought they would 911 him to the hospital. I didn’t want to scare him. Plus I didn’t say go to the er, walking in you’ll sometimes wait as opposed to getting in via ambulance. I received a text that he was heading to the hospital.
In that one moment it hit me.
How much Sir means to me.
He wasn’t letting on to his concerns, telling me to still go out with my friends that night. How the hell do I even think of enjoying myself when the only person who can balance me is in a hospital room. As I was letting people know, all of them offering to take me to see him. All the friends that showed such concern that he was not well.
L from work wanted me to go home with her until N and FGD would come. I just needed to be alone. He called many times to update me, but you could here his family and the nurses in the backround. I sat on the couch with a glass of wine and the little puppies and just cried. It was a cry of concern, not of pity for either of us. I told him I felt there was no way I could go out and not stay exactly where I was. He heard my voice and I think that made him understand, this is serious and even though I knew damn well he wouldn’t want me to see him there, I wasn’t moving from his side.
My friends showed and I gave them dinner and shared my wine. Sir and I spoke many more times. N held me and as I cried, I relaxed and fell asleep. They both cleaned up and put me to bed.
At three this morning Sir called and out of a dead sleep I went running for the phone in the living room. I breathes a sigh of relieve that it was his voice on the other end and he was just unable to sleep.
For me….I slept for the first time, with no dreams. My mind gave up the worst case scenario loop it had been stuck in and let me rest.
For now he’s being taken care of. This morning I asked if he wanted me there. For some reason that question took a shit ton of courage, I knew the answer would be no, but I still have three people on sand by in case it changes.
I’ve never introduce Sir to my mom. The reason for that is when I first told her about him her only words were regarding our age difference. She had gone through so much with my step-father that her worry was what would you do if you lost him or his health went bad and you could do nothing?
Sir and I have never said the vanilla I love you. I’d like to think our mutual care of each other is our way of showing action over words. Truth, my heart is sitting with him in that hospital room right now.
The end of my dream was……(crying as I write this)
L took me to go see Sir. It was a spot near his house and he was there with his nephew. He was sitting with a portable o2 tank. It was for one last hug, not because you died Sir, but because you couldn’t make the travel to see me any more. It was for one last good hug and then I never saw you again. So today when you told me how you felt better with the oxygen I got mad. It was the wrong emotion but sometimes I get them confused. I’m sorry for that. I’m just really worried and part of that is so damn selfish, but I don’t want the rest of this dream to play out, but I don’t want you to risk your health anymore for me.