Why?

I guess because life is about learning and growing.

I told Sir last night there’s been no blog because along with being trapped in board rooms all day, I’d do nothing but bitch.

Wednesday in the middle of a rather long meeting I went to my desk to eat lunch and my mother called. The dog I gave her oassed away. 

I often say when describing parts of my life it’s like a jerry springer show, this catapulted it straight yo an old country song. Even the fucking dog died.

At the sane time I’m dealing with a bunch of other shit. C started texting me, like nothing happened. My other 2 senior dogs are sick. Work is stressful. I could go on and on. 

Today, I said fuck it….I’M done bitching.

I found a good three hour backend workshop for next saturday (get this sir, on the upper east) and register for it. Three hours of improving backend prep. I’m trying to make sure every weekend I have something good to look forward to, because the weekdays have been extremely difficult. 

FU monday

First off… I had no computer, crazy meetings then the world said here you go, sit on this bitch.

C texted.

I’ve been waiting for it. I knew it was coming. She used the excuse of my goddaughter. God she’s grown, too pretty for words. I texted her briefly, then shut her down.

N is dropping. So far the bitch hasn’t surfaced, but I’m sure it will. 

Then more crap at work and the only decent person on the vendor side is off the project. Fml

Funny note- in conversations with n, I advised her I’ve gone vanilla. Let me mansplain. 

Looking back on my actions and others reactions, I fucked up last year. My ass was bruised then entire summer and I did give one fuck. I still went swimming and to the beach like nothing. I gave crappy excuses that no one believed. It affected others and I knew that but didn’t care. So this summer with Sir being home, let’s see if I can’t blend in a bit better.

Killing Time

I wanted to sleep more, but couldn’t and now I’m sitting here killing time. Everything I have to do today is mapped out with time points and I didn’t a lot for this hour or so of “free time”.

I was able to read some blogs and I haven’t done that in a very long time. I realized so many of my favorite bloggers have disappeared, no goodbye, no notice, just up and vanished back into the real world, I guess.

I woke up in a bit of a funk. I have no clue why, other than I’m really tired of blowing my nose. I feel like somethings gotta give. Next weekend is a shitty one for me. I like to try and not think about it, but as so many have asked what I’m doing, I really can’t ignore it.

I feel like I made plans, but I can;t recall them.

I know that Sunday I will maybe see my mom during the day and N says her and FGD want to hang out at night. They are doing a shut in week end and I kinda got a bit pissed at that since I had asked them a few times to be there for me. I guess like with most things, I’ll just take what I can get and shut up about feeling like an afterthought.

I don’t have off on Monday, like the rest of the world and I’m ok with that. There’s too much going on at work to allow for a 4day weekend.

WTF did I plan on Tuesday? I know there was something, but at this very moment I can’t think of it. I have to try very hard not to fall too deep into my pity party of one. This in no way means I have the ability to be a social butterfly. I also can’t “people” much either, because I know that I may say things to hurt those around me.

Funny thing…..it has so little to do with my anniversary. Damn, it’s 11 years, a different lifetime ago. It’s more….well, that it is a different lifetime ago. I don’t know if that makes any sense. If I look at my wedding pics, I had an big bridal party and you know what…..I don’t speak with a single one of them anymore. lol, the one I talk with most often is actually my ex because of either finance or insurance.

lets see…..there was my maid of honor:

A decade long friendship that I played mother and keeper to a girl that left at the first sign of an easy life or so she thought.

My Matron of honor:

C-we all know that story. I still haven’t heard from her.

The rest:

Crazy m, non-judgmental d (the most judgmental ever) and all of my in-laws and the kids.

The majority of my guests, don’t speak with them either. I wonder did I lose them or did they lose me?

 

It was a really nice day

Until I almost punched L in the face.

We had a nice time relaxing at the pool and he put out a nice spread of food. The only problem is the diggs. I’ve told him before that he needs to stop, but he gets jealous and just can’t help himself.

He waited until it was pretty late to start and I didn’t have the energy to go back at him as I normally would, so I took a new approach.

He made a comment about how gross it is to have sex at this one club. A direct reference to my bday. then he shit talked Russians, a direct knock to FGD. It didn’t stop there…he made another comment about not being included in the beach days SMG and I have. Oh and then the comment about people not wanting him to know where they live, that one directed at Sir. Funny where I kinda lost it was when he said something about how any man that would want two wives must be nuts and followed it up with a whole thing about the headache and they may as well kill themselves, I lost my shit internally.

SMG was there. To preface, she is one of the nicest people I’ve ever met. She only dates couples, that’s her thing. She is also the only one of my friends that can put up with L on a regular basis. She took him to a couple of concerts and is really a good friend to him and earlier in the day had mentioned how an ex (male) of hers was suicidal and she had traveled a far distance last night and was up until 7 am to get back in time to make sure to be at L’s house yesterday.

So I changes the topic and then started to tell stories of all the nights in the club L missed and people that no longer talk to him so that he could feel like as big of a piece of shit as she made her feel. She even at one point tried to stop him, but she just couldn’t. I kinda don’t know if I should let it slide or call it out to him.

With that 15 minutes aside, the day was really nice.

Just life

Feels like a while since I sat and wrote. Work is busy, but moving in the right direction. I haven’t had a moments rest.

It was one of those weeks where you don’t even have time to think, so what else is next. I have a massive sinus infection and made two trips to the urg-care. My old dog tried to jump on the couch and sprain his knee. Sir is waiting for his next appointment.

Until last night neither of us said what we both know, that no plans can be made for now and July will pass without a visit. It’s good timing wise because I can’t take any time off for the next couple of months, so if he did come, he’d being hanging out with L, not me.

Though all of the madness I was able to keep up my yoga. I even made it to solstice in times square and took a class by my favorite teacher after crazy lady of course. It was magical, laying in corpse pose with all the craziness around me, totally zoned out. Oh and thanks to the creepiness that is the cameras in nyc, Sir got to watch the entire thing. I wore my brightest clothes, so I was easy to spot.

For now my kinky adventures are on pause and I’m ok with it. Too much is going on in life to miss it. I have a list that has to be done, so the time for sitting is over.

 

Just dont

Drop when I’m not feeling well. I can’t shit rainbows for you today. It’s nit part of my skill set when I can’t stop blowing my damn nose!

I can normally talk n down, or keep the bitch engaged, but, nope, not today. So now she’s not talking and it’s ok. I don’t have the kindness in me right now to deal.

I know Sir, shitty blog, but it’s soooo verrrrry monday.

The choices we make

Mother’s day and Father’s day are bitter sweet for Sir and I.

As luck would have it our Mother’s are still around.

Father’s….well. I was both lucky and unlucky to have many men that stepped up and raised me. They are all long gone now.

I didn’t realize that’s why my mother was looking to get together this weekend. I’ll reach out to her today. As humans we deal with loss, but it’s the choices we make that cause both the greatest loss and joy.

I could have had children very young or decided not to give up on the infertility treatments. I could have adopted. There are many could have, should have’s in life. The truth, if I did, I would not be sitting here writing this today.

There are times where my life is scary, I won’t lie about that. Times where the responsibility to myself is more than seems bearable, but I  have a good life. So this morning as I’m doing  laundry and going through the motions I started thinking of those  moments in life, where my decisions could have impacted where I ended up.

I know I don’t bear this burden alone. It’s sad that Sir deals with the same issues. So today is a big hug to him. We are not alone.

The hug felt around the world

So L went and picked up Sir on his way back from this party he attends.

It was so super last minute and we all know I hate last minute, but I needed to see him. That’s right needed, not wanted. I stayed quiet this week for so many reasons but a big one was just wanting to be with him. No kinky parties, no big sexy scenes, just the two of us as humans being there for each other.

When he got out of the car that first hug on the street was the most intimate moment we’ve ever shared. It was the hugs of completion. It was the hugs that allowed both of us to breathe again. After all of the scares he was back with me and no matter what the world threw at us, oh and trust me this week was a rough one, we were together.

Last night the three of us took Sir home. N and FGD wanting to help out. He is cared for by much more than just me as I think he saw on this visit. He left a note as he always does, so I can read one last thought of his when he’s gone. It referenced that hug.As I was in bed I told him I thought it was our best hug yet and he replied Agreed, it was the best hug ever. period.

So now I am back to my life of keeping busy and he is back home to follow up on his medical care and I think when we both get mushy and lonely we can conjure up that feeling of what the perfect hugs is and know we take care of each other and although miles may separate us we are not alone.

It would take a year

To explain the ups and downs of this week. 

The important thing, sir and I were together. That’s all that mattered when all us said and done.

Big hugs sir, see you later 

Thanks Sir

For staying up as late as you did.

I kniw this hard work will pay off in the long run, hell, even in the short run as I’ll be heading back to you early today.

My intention was to write you a long blog about my feelings when you arrived Sunday, but I’m semi delirious. I have my documents in order and a very brief explanation planned. Just need to stay awake. I have lots of coffee to help in that cause.

You know I felt how much you missed me when you hugged me on the street. A few times in the last couple of days you’ve grabbed my hand and it’s a real grab, hard to explain the difference, or maybe it’s just a better appreciation for the connection.