Talks with Sir

It’s one of the things I miss most when we are not together.

Neither one of us wanted to get of the phone last night. Both of us having way too much to do for this spur of the moment trip. So we ended up having a nice long talk. I was trying to save my good work news until I could see him in person. That didn’t happen. It’s too long of a story to blog here, but my work and creative solutions have not gone unnoticed and it’s a matter of a few months before I can reap the rewards of my tireless overthinking.

Funny how we talked about D types making s types do things out of their comfort range. To Sir that’s making me flirt with girls and I suck at it. I tried to explain to him that because I don’t want to do it. When an s type excels at something they are “forced” to do, it’s because they wanted to do it and lack the courage, like my job. In the past I’ve wanted to excel, but a fear of failure has held me back. Now I’m at the point that I don’t feed into that and I have the right management team to hold me back when my ideas are off base, but to also throw their full support behind me when I come up with a crazy plan that will work.

This is a big win that without Sir reminding me that I can succeed I would not have even had the courage to voice.

My list is never ending today and I have to care for a little pup that has a stomach flu.

Tomorrow we get that much needed hug Sir.

Why am I so worried

I’m happy, Sir arrives Sunday. I miss him, but I’d be a liar if I didn’t admit I was worried.

I’m worried about my reaction when I first see him. I’m either going to cry or go ice cold. The ice cold will be from too many emotions shutting down my ability to convey any of them. I had to write this so he knows.

I also have other fears but those are much more irrational. So I’ll throw them to the side for now. 

Think good thoughts

Today is Sirs doctor visit. He’s been charting information and documenting questions to ask. I’m not worried he will forget anything. I am worried he may not tell the doctor how  his travel to me exhusted him in the past.

Many things hang in the balance today. Things Sir and I both know, but don’t speak of. 

I’ve been worried for weeks and to anyone that knows me, it shows. I can’t hide when I’m under stress. 

So for now, I’ll get through work, send good thoughts to sir and we will see what the day brings.

No responsibilities

Sometimes when I’m in the midst of a hard practice you get a real moment of clarity.

This happened yesterday. It was a packed class and the only reason it was hard was because I was super sore from the night before. Practicing outside always leaves me achy.

I know a good deal of the people in this class and all of a sudden looking around at mothers and wives and a woman that takes care of her elderly mother, it hit me….I am responsible for absolutely no one but me.

That is a really good but really sad thing to realize. I don’t know how I feel about that. I get that in so many ways I have freedom that other people wish for, but to know that you have no one that really depends upon you kinda hurts. I mean yes Sir and I lean on each other, but not in the way that these people have others.

I think this passing thought stayed with me when I was over at N’s house and seeing the massive amount of people that need her on a daily basis.

Even seeing that, we still had a nice day.

A long, short week

You would think since Monday was a holiday and I took Tuesday off to mentally prepare or what was to come, it would have been an easy week, nope, not a chance in hell.

Each day was at least 8 hours of meetings. On the rare break I called or texted Sir. I felt bad that I couldn’t speak to him as often as I would have liked. He knows when it comes to work, you have to do what you have to do.

My days didn’t end when I walked out of my office. Tuesday I went to fancy yoga and met my new enemy, the douche dom yoga hipster man. What an utter asshat. I more than anything want to bring crazy lady to take his class. She can show him what a real yoga Dom can be.

Wednesday, yet again I had to color correct my friends little sisters hair. It came with threats if she does it again, the free ride at my living room salon ends. I told her I’ll charge her a hundred dollars each time I have to do this again. Truth, even that price is a good deal. It has not a damn thing to do with the money, but the kid is going to have no hair left if she keeps messing with it.

Thursday was a trip to my Aunt’s for my cousins birthday. It was ok, except for my starving to death. She made stew, I don’t eat that…..ever. N picked me up and we had a nice visit. Long cuddles. I told her I felt as though I had put myself in a glass house. Since Sir had gotten sick I’ve allowed no one to touch me. She thought I meant sexually. No, I mean I’ve very much shut down my connections to people in both a physical and mental way.

When I was little I used to dream of living in a glass house. I think this is because Nana’s favorite saying was people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. I could never understand why living in a glass house was a bad thing, or why they would want to throw stones:)

My glass house was so pretty and it was surrounded my gardens and trees and a lovely place to live. I used to talk in my sleep about my glass house and all of the animals that would come and visit. My mother would tell me all about it as for a good deal of my childhood we shared a bedroom.

Funny how in my forties I remember this like it was yesterday.

Last night was all dependent on the weather and NYC in the spring is a fickle thing. Like the rest of the week my meetings went long, but L waited for me. The rain held off and we met up with another friend to do Yoga in the Park. It was nice, relaxing. L has had some rather shitty things going on and has been eating her feelings. I told her, it’s easy yoga, so what you can and at least we get out.

We cracked jokes and nothing about that practice was serious at all. We all needed that for our own reasons.

Exhausted, we passed on going out after and all went home.

Sir and I had a nice chat. It was the first time he sounded like himself since the incident. My main concern has been him not being able to accept the restrictions that his health will have on his life. It’s much more than having to change diet, it’s a mental thing when stuff you took for granted now becomes effort.

I haven’t said it until now, but there is a real chance that travel is not something that can happen as it once did. I know this and I really think he does too, but how to deal with it? I know our friends will all help, but what we need to do is really keep spirits up. He’s the cup half full guy, I suck at that. I’m really trying. This Thurday is the follow-up and I’m just keeping myself busy. Every thing going on at work will help me, I’m just worried about him.

Sorry Sir, I know I’m many blogs behind, but it’s time to head out.