Useless Men

I’ve been keeping myself busy by doing things. Things that I had put to the side. Things that once they are done lead to a much happier me, but they take so much time and effort.

My first project was to rehab an old piece of furniture for the kitchen. It needed to be sanded, a hardware update and a paint job. I did most of it myself, but living in a small NYC apartment I don’t have the range of tools I did when I owned my house so I needed to borrow a drill. L brought a drill after I asked him for one a few months back. I think he only did it because I was shocked that a home owner did have one. I was right since when he came over it was never taken out of the box or charged. this makes L a partially useless man. His ability to hold things as I did the work came in hand, but that’s where his skill ended.

Yesterday I set to painting my entry way. My apartment was a gut renovation, but whoever painted it really sucked and the paint they used was cheap. If you tried to wash it all you got were more stains. The entry way is like a mud room, so with a couple of years of wet umbrellas and other outdoor things hanging, it looked dirty, plus the sheet rocked started to show cracks. That drove me nuts.

Painting to me is a form of meditation. I have a really hard time stopping once I get started. I had to set very strong boundaries before hand in order to not paint through the night. The last time I painted, I did my whole apartment over the period of a long holiday weekend and my mother had to carry me to the bath. I didn’t sleep for three days. This time I had to prove to myself I was much healthier mentally and would not repeat that mistake. A large part of this was the timing. I could have started this Friday, but that would have left me too many days before returning to work.

As I was up on the buildings crappy ladder I recalled painting my old dining room in the house. It took forever and had so many small cuts that I did with an artists brush. The ladder was a “borrow” from my ex father in law. Useless man number one. It was pristine. Later pricing it, a five hundred dollar painters ladder. This man had never painted a day in his life, but had a collection of high grade supplies. When I moved the only thing I took from the garage was that ladder. It was the first thing in my new apartment.

It also made me recall a conversation with my ex as I was busting my ass and he was sitting having his morning coffee. I told him……you do realize it’s not just anyone that can paint you a pretty picture and also paint your house. He had no clue what I was talking about. He liked to think he was handy, but everytime he fixed something it usually required professional help to complete, or resulted in me waking up at 4 am and repairing the damage as he slept. He once power washed the house and removed all of the trim paint. I laughed at this memory because I was looking at the paintings I did in the kitchen as I was doing the damaged trim repairs. I hadn’t meant it literally back then, but……useless man number 2.

I think Sir is the only person I know more detail obsessed than me. My big problem has always been that I can’t let the paint dry. He’s helping with that.

Today my mother will bring me the ladder, no longer new, now over a decade old and used many times. I’ll laugh when I see it and resist the urge to get immediately on it and finish the trim work.

It’s the waiting that sucks

Yesterday was a long day. Many texts of well wishes.

I started and finished my rehab project, had l over for coffee. He kept wanting to take me places, but I needed to wait. At around 2 pm Sir finally called. The hospital was directed to call me but didn’t. He was pissed and still very drugged from the surgery. Later we were able to laugh about it. He was like a little kid. Telling me about the pain and giving the nurses a hard time.

When he called  a few hours later, he was back to his normal self, the self before all of these issues. He sounded strong again, happy, hopeful. Hell, he even mentioned something kinky. That’s when I knew he really was feeling better and not just putting on a good face for me.

There were no texts last night and I’m hoping it was because for the first time in months he was able to sleep. He hasn’t slept well this entire year.

After we spoke I took a nap. It felt like I spent the entire day holding my breath. N came by for a chat, I fed her, she’s shitty at doing that for herself. I sent out a text to all thanking them for their well wishes and then went to bed. Today should be good, I took off knowing I would mentally need a break and I do. I’m going to get in a yoga practice, run some errands and then meet n and the hostess for a girls dinner in the city.

Big Hug

We just hung up from our third or fourth call this morning. It’s time for them to take you into surgery and I wish I was there in person holding your hand. A talk for another time I guess. I researched the doctor and he seems as good as your getting, but there was still a part of me that wanted to put my foot down and take you to the city where the doctors are better.

I didn’t, only because I know you need a medical team near you. L wanted to do that too.

Going back to yesterday’s blog about the start of things. I can now appreciate how lucky we both were to find each other. I may not say it, but thank you for letting me…be me. Thank you for being sane, lol, sounds funny, but a super true statement. I set out to find a partner in a D/s fashion and you’ve lived up to that every step of this crazy journey we are on.

So my hope is right now, they are fixing your issue and in a couple of weeks I will be able to give and receive that big hug, no matter where it is.

Today, I’ll keep busy and L will help. N will come by later for hugs. All of your friends reached out to me too last night. My french shadow even made his best attempts to cheer me up. Sadly he still refuses to grow his hair for me.

I have to get up and start now or I won’t get up.

We have too much to look forward to, so I will stay strong for you.

Hey Sir

I think it’s funny and not sure you realized….Yesterday both of us got really stressed out about tomorrow and we both went back to the site we met on.

You had sent a few messages. I had read some amusing profiles. 

It’s funny that most people don’t appreciate the “start” of things. We do.

Biggest hugs

After some analysis

I have concluded that I did suffer from drop yesterday.

I make it a point to never be kinky with n. I keep it very vanilla lesbian. Honestly because I can’t deal with her drop. Well I can, as long as I’m not the cause of it.

Even having said that, I still drop from our time together and here’s the reason. Sir. Yup, even n and i’s vanilla sex is still a scene between Sir and I because of the orgasm control aspect. That’s why I subspace after I cum.

This works for all three of us, kinda. N likes to hold me when I space and bring me back. Sir like the control, the only problem is my drop. 

With Sir not being well, I’ve back off of any play. There’s so many reasons why, but one of then is I feel it is unfair for Sir to help when I get like this. 

Oh well, it’s gone now.

10 minutes

That’s how long I had to get ready today. Major screw up setting my alarm.

Falls under shit happens and I look like shit too. It’s ok, due to the weather, no one looks particularly good at work.

I’m in a weird mood. Not sure why, but I am.

I need a hug.

An orgasm will make it all better

After this emotional roller coaster of a day, N picks me up.

We had went out the other night to dinner, movies and toy shopping with FGD. Can’t let a new toy go to waste sitting unused. We planned to chat, play and try to lift each other’s spirits. I fill her in on all the stuff that had just come to light a few minutes earlier.

She was down because her family was in cali and they left her behind in charge of many many children. They told the extended family it was because she had to work, but that was a total lie. They sent her a pick and she was hurt.

We watched a show and then started kissing on the couch. I went to pull her hair and she stopped me, saying no, don’t go all sadist on me, she needed soft. Thank god she did because with all of the emotions going through me yesterday I would have been very cruel to her. I stopped and reset my brain. I started to lick her and in less than a minute She was cuming. There are few things prettier than looking up and seeing that total release of inhibitions when a woman cums.

I held her as she shakes and trembled.

Sir called and said he was back in but would be heading to bed in 45 minutes. He did not know that we had already started playing. So we moved into the bedroom. She is learning my body much more and I had called sir as she was fingering me and I was on the verge of exploding. It was all very soft and the most vanilla either of us have had in a very long time, but it wasn’t about the kink. Sir allowed me to cum and I have no idea how long or how many, but the boring sex hipsters upstairs got an earful.

She held me tight until I returned. Even with vanilla, I still subspace from an orgasm. Our toy purchase was a 16 inch flexible double sided dildo. She had never used one and had no idea the “how”. I have with O, so I took the lead. I put her side in first and let her get used to the feeling as she has never been fucked by a woman. Knowing I have the much tighter cunt, I would be the one to drive the thrusts. I out it in me and we laid cunt to cunt as my tight muscles grinded, in seconds we were clit to clit and she was moaning. I had the phone next to since she said she wanted us to both cum at the same time. I called Sir and he said call back in a minute. I was all sensation, no brain and I called back in what turned out to 11 seconds. Oops, I called a third time and we both came like beasts. All giggles and cuddles. I told her that was the first time I had cum since the last time we were together. No wonder I’ve been suck a rank and nasty bitch. She kidded that this Monday people would wonder why we were both so nice at work.

Sir went to bed and we went back on the couch. A bit more chatting and I stretched out on her lap, falling asleep in good spirits. She had stayed over with FGD the night before, so at about 1 she woke me and headed home.

Sir had texted me a play by play of his end of the calls and it was funny. He knows when I get in that space of total need to release I recall very little of the things I say or more correctly try to say. It was the first time N saw me go non-verbal and my brain is just gibberish in my need to get permission.

Today I fell better, a bit sore, but my head is calm.


Ever sit back and watch Karma at work?

It’s the most amazing thing. I’ve known something was up with the ex, but didn’t care to find out the details. Yesterday they were placed in my lap by his ex. Oh, karma really is a bitch.

Rock solid info and she was bursting to tell me, but in a way testing the waters first to see how my mind frame was. If I would have cried when I saw my step-son she would have held it in, but I didn’t and I was generally in a happy mood. I had set aside a bit of money to shove in his pocket for a report card that was well above any he has had before. As soon as I walked in he got up and gave me a big hug. In the last couple of months he’s had a growth spurt and even with heels on he’s a few inches taller than me. His voice has changed and my sweet little boy is now a young man. He still is a mush and I got a big hug that was more like a cuddle and he whispered that he missed me. There were not tears, just laughs and smiles.

In hind sight I knew something was up because her sister has been really silent lately. We are very close friends and I normally hear from her much more, but she promised not to speak a word of what recently occurred. She totally broke that promise the second she saw her sister wanted to spill the beans. She told me that she was keeping a secret, so I asked her if I asked yes or no questions would she answer. I managed to get the high level stuff. She said get 2 Coors lights into her sister and I’d get the rest. Turns out no beers were needed.

A big problem we always had was his drinking. Insert Karma.

Over the July fourth weekend him and his fiance got into a fight. She had gone out all night drinking and came in on the holiday morning and attacked him. The cops were called and restraining orders were filed against her. Notice I said orders…..her two year old daughter was there. she went after her too. Side-note, the girls not his.

So he deals with the cops and then takes the kid to his family’s house. The fall out is he now has temporary custody of the child. The father didn’t want her and the girls family was already listed as unfit (that must be another story I don’t know) so family court told him she’d be placed in foster care. He stepped up and is now a single dad, working two jobs and raising a two year old for the foreseeable future.

But…it doesn’t stop there. Somehow his ex got his fiance and me ex to talk and she found out why she lost custody of her first born. She had gotten drunk and high on pills one night. She was married to the father, he had a daughter from a prior relationship. They got into a fight and the daughter got in the middle of it and this POS bit her, breaking the skin and had to be force ably removed and was hospitalized.

All I have to say to my ex is wow, you really know how to pick em. He thought he was going to get a fun drinking partner and ended up with a toddler. At 32 he wanted no more children, so I sit here with none, but at 43 you get to start over, all on your own, way to go fuck head.

This explains why he was so civil when I had to contact him regarding my vision insurance a couple of weeks ago.

It also turns out he stopped telling people I was sick, instead he tells them the truth-ish. He says the divorce papers are all signed and sealed. He leaves out the delivered parts, so everyone thinks we are officially divorced. I wonder when he goes back to family court how he’s going to get around that lie. He’s going to have to say he still married, since the courts don’t have those papers back. Hard to get custody of a child, when there’s a third party sitting right over the bridge.

You see my ex really isn’t a bad person. I wouldn’t have married him if he was. To me, he was the safe option. I knew he drank and cheated and was lazy, but he was never evil and when shit hit the fan, he usually did the right thing. So I wish him luck. May him and his daughter be happy together.



I have things to write. A few cute stories. Some other stuff too, but I’m super stuck in my own head.

I’m finding it hard to communicate with people in my personal life because my job is sucking every ounce of it from me.

I don’t want to be home and at the same time I don’t want to be out.