Who was I 11 years ago today?

lol, I really don’t know that person. Let’s see, I was….a person that did what she thought was expected of her. I was afraid, afraid that if I didn’t do the big things in life that I would end up alone. Funny as I sit here alone 11 years later.

I have a real love/hate relationship with that thought “alone”. I need to live alone, I need personal space to breathe. one day I’ll figure out why ending up alone is so scary when I seem to have made all the choices in life that keep me in a state of being alone.

C acknowledged the fact that she hurt me. This was the other night. I’m torn in a big part because I really don’t want to be cut out of my goddaughter’s life. I told her I can;t speak with her as if this past year has not happened. She said she is leaving it in my hands because she was wrong. It was the first time she’s ever admitted she was wrong. So I left it at that. If it’s up to me, now you wait. When I’m good and ready I’ll tell her we need to speak in person and if the proper amount of ass kissing is done on her part, I’ll never forgive her, but I will speak to her again to see my girl. Our decades long friendship is more like a lesbian love affair gone wrong, minus all the fun sex stuff. The way I see it, her daughter is also in a bog way my daughter and like dealing with my shitty ex, you don’t get one without the other.

Today I’ll deal with my mother. She blames me for her sadness, but I’d like to think she won’t be an asshole to me today. Tomorrow, yes, but not today. The weather is set to be damn near perfect, so off to the beach for us. She’s never been to my new, rather odd happy place. Truth part of me wants to keep it that way. For the past two years in the summer I’ve been able to pick up and go. Hop on a bus and get off in place soooooo damn foreign, where not one soul knows me and just lay on the sand, alone. Sometimes SMG would come with me. She’s one of the few allowed because she is very low maintenance and honestly my most stress free friend. The type of person you can say, hey…want to do this and get a straight up answer. Bonus because if she says yes, there’s no big planning, it’s just ok meet you there and you do. I’m thinking that comes with her years of dating couples. She’s used to being a third, so her demands are very few. I like people that don’t demand things from me. It allows me to do things for them without it being an expected part of the relationship. She like me in the way that when someone does something for them without prompting, she is grateful, because she doesn’t expect it.

I’m just sitting here with no direction at all as to what I’m typing.

Truth I have no idea who that girl was, or who this one writing these words is either.


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