I’m worried

I don’t say this to Sir. I know he is too.

Keeping this locked up is adding to my temper. I’m winding myself tighter and tighter as the days go on. 

Sorry to say, I’m way past an attitude adjustment. N is just fucking annoying me by not standing up for herself. She’s trying, but getting no where. 

I find that everyone annoys me.

Even I annoy me.


Please if I may ask, the next time I have a hard day, a lecture about how evil health insurance is, is not the way to make me feel better. It just adds to my stress. 

Dear blog

He likes the puppies better than me! 

Just kidding, but they are super cute. Nothing much going on here. Work is work, monday is monday. I’m super sore, but in a goo way.

Been thinking..   I have zero sex drive but I know this feeling of being on he verge of exploding needs to stop. I’ve been resetting myself with yoga and I can go another couple of weeks but after that I need to feed the masochist something.

I can’t risk an impact scene because of the bruises and drop. I don’t think it’s fair to expect sir to deal with the emotional fall out from that. My idea was to maybe tall to the hostess abd see if she could set up some rope for me. 

I miss the relief that comes from subspace but don’t want to deal with the messy emotional stuff. With rope I have no connection with any of the riggers that extend past the scene, so maybe that would be a good thing?

Aside from that, I’m just getting by. It feels like I’m at the point where life is going to change in a big way. Don’t know how, but I feEl it coming.

A day “off”

No not really off, or maybe off in a different way.

I have three doctors appointments. My eyes have been a constant source of pain for the last couple of weeks. You know it’s bad when a masochist says pain. I kinda know why, but I need to double check.

My cousin and I have the same eyes, shape color and allergies. When he was little he also had what my mother called horror movie eyes. I’ve been lucky that I had never let mine get so bad until now. It’s not that they are blood shot, it’s that they are tearing so bad the skin under them is breaking from the moisture and in the morning I look like a character from a damn Anne Rice novel that has tears of blood.

My vision is crap because its like looking through the world with pool goggles on.

Plus, lets face it, I’m a “woman of a certain age” that can’t wear concealer or anything that goes near the tear duct.

The past couple of days, I’ve had back to back meetings and being trapped in boardrooms has not helped the issue. My boss said to me, please go get that looked at, so I explained I have no idea where to start, so I made an appointment with every doctor minus one that could help. Today I will be walking around, doctor to doctor in thunder storms to try to get someone to heal these eyes.

For now with Sir, it’s just a waiting game. I mentioned to Sir that I’ve fallen out of touch with many people since his issues started. I’m just in no shape physically or mentally to deal with people that can’t excuse me for the things that I have on my mind. It’s not that I’m being different, it’s just that I have no ability to want to censor myself. I even told L the other day to knock off his shit, his life isn’t that bad. He makes it that way. Not a nice thing to say to a friend, but fuck if it isn’t the truth.

Even N, I told her she needs to step up her game and start kicking people out of her house.

At work in the middle of a meeting I stopped the vendor on the phone and said to him, really what’s the title of this meeting? did it never occur to you that if that’s the title that’s what we are going to give you and you need to correct it if it’s wrong?

My fuse is super short, sometimes in a slightly amusing way, but I feel like I’m on the verge of exploding lately.


Dogs not allowed

So the dog story. I’ve been saving this one for Sir.

Back to that saturday yoga workshop. Part of me got there early just to people watch and see what kind of people can actually afford to practice there normally. So the class gets out. There are your ex hippies, trendy lesbian couples, a guy here and there. All of them kinda not rushing to leave. 

But wait, then this older slightly budge woman comes out carting a dog. Think like a mixed breed, furry, old as hell, 15 pound dog. I look, like am I seeing this, them the manager looks. A very very pissed off masculine woman goes running to the desk. The dog and owner give left, no one saI’d boo to her. 

The screaming woman is yelling about the dog. A worker saying she went in and saw the dog just sitting against the wall, not bothering anyone, so she wasn’t going to interupt class. They promises to call the lady and tell her dogs are not allowed in the studio. Honestly, I’m sure they saw her bring the pup in and of the lady didn’t cause a stink it would have been fine. The whole time I’m sitting and watching and giggling thinking hie my dog would have gone and tried to make out with everyone there. 

Even funnier I tell this story to Hippie guy and he’s laughing his ass off. He’s both a yoga teacher and fog walker. He’s had clients like both of these woman. 

During class he’s in down dog and start to giggle. I tell him, maybe next week I’ll sneak my dog in!

I forgot…

Oh a couple of things this weekend.

First off there’s a story behind why I was food shopping at 6 am. On the surface it was logical, but the motivation was all about l from work. 

It started as a I hate people discussion. Well not all people, but in bklyn the only large supermarkets are in areas that, well.   Are the hood or specifically cater to on k t one nationality. So she says the one place we can go is shoprite, saturday morning in a Jewish neighborhood since it will be totally empty. 

I say I have to get ready for class at 11, she has weight watchers at 8, so starbucks opens at 6, we can meet then. I do nothing that early unless there’s coffee involved. So as everyone was getting home from parties I was getting up. 

The real reason was L’s depression. When she is down, she turns to food. If you open her fridge and there’s nothing there it means she’s ordering junk every night. So when she said she needs to shop, I’m there. Plus she’s been skipping her meetings.

Foolish me thought I was going to wait in the car, but she said nope, your coming in. Damn! See I’ve been to overeater annoumous meetings, but that was different ir so I thought. Turns out this was very much the same in some ways. One guy blamed his family for always saying they cooked things one way, but didnt. I’m sorry dude, but the difference between fried and baked potatoes you can see with your eyes. The one trend I also noticed in this particular group is there was no talk of physical activity, just food. I thought that was weird. They got stars for good choices and then l told them how I was there because of our 6 am trip to get healthy food. So she knew, I even got a star too. I tried to give it to her, but she insisted I jeep it. I put it up on my goal pic, front and center on the fridge door. It’s the pic thay reminds me to stay healthy, not skinny.

L lost no weight, but its a start.

neeting, Then the dog story to keep Sirs spirit up.

Pep Talks

Too much has been going on as of late to have time to sit and write.

N and FGD have had there dramas, L is acting like a subbie bitch. I have been staying out of the lifestyle due to a real lack of patience to put up with the shit attached to it.

My community goes on without me and my friends are acting like little kids without a mother, but sometimes you have to push them to grow the fuck up. That’s what I’m doing because I only have just enough emotional fortitude to deal with my shot and Sirs. That’s where I reach the max amount I can handle at this time.

So I survived my back bend workshop. This was a bigger thing than I think I can explain for soooooo many reasons. First and easiest, my back bends suck. In big part because my main teacher, crazy lady…her back bends suck too, so we don;t practice them as much as we really should. The fact I have 3 herniates discs also doesn’t really help much, but I can work with that.

So once again like at Ahisma last year I find myself in a class that is geared toward teachers, even though it says all levels, all levels my ass! Plus (and here’s the bigger part) it’s on the upper east side. Sir can explain much better that abject horror I go through when I need to interface with people there. Growing up I was raised that we didn’t belong there. The rational side of me knows, I’ve come a long way from living in the project and tenement buildings, but you still have that little voice that will sneak in and say “they are better than you”.

A big shift in that neighborhood has occured, it’s called the second ave subway line. In some ways a savior to many people in other parts of the city, but I look at it as a big Fuck you to the upper east (that I rather enjoy). It used to be almost impossible to get to that neighborhood, unless you didnt micd a few trains and a bud ride across town. Now, Brooklyn has a direct route via the Q train and even though it’s still long, it’s doable.

Gone are the days of only the wealthy being there. Walking around you now see the minor shift the train line has brought. The older buildings are being gutted and oddly it’s becoming a rather affordable )in spots) place to live. Hey Sir, I know I’m a village girl at heart, but wouldn’t it be funny if I lived there? One of my old friends has a 2 bedroom that new and affordable. So weird to think that.

Back to yesterday, the studio did not disappoint. The pictures on line don’t do it a bit of justice. They have a changing area three time the size of most city studios and a waiting area twice my apartment. A cleaning crew of 5 preps the rooms, removing the used mats cleaning the floors and setting up for the next class. So you just walk in and….that’s it. They use the same expensive 10 pound mat I lug all around NYC. I was in awe and as I was walking out of the woman’s room I panicked. That voice came up and said, you don’t belong here, leave. I had to say, my money is paid, and in crazy lady’s voice my beautiful girl, you are as good as any teacher, you are ready for this.

Ok, so crazy multi-accent pep talk done I sit down and resolve not to move until the doors open to start the class. The teacher and her sister show up. The waiting room gets backed. We start the class and I’m not going to lie, it was hard. Then the worst thing that could happen does, the teacher says partner up. FUCK. I’m here alone and most of these girls are in groups. Oh and most of them were girls, there were maybe 2 or three woman near my age there. One of the damn teachers was a teenager. Something I did not realize on her social media page that suckered me into this experience. I choose a spot in the middle of the room and luckily a little indian girl (dot, not feather) in the front looked as horrified as me when she said that so I waved her over. We remained partners for the rest of the class and that was luck for her because she was too small to really help balance any of the taller girls. We had a nice chat during some partner practiced, both of us more into aireal than floor, both of us sucking at regular back bends.

Then it was time for the hour long inversion stuff. This is the real reason I wanted to go. I love inversions, but in the past could only do them on the ribbons due to a lack of upper body strength. Not now, I have worked on building up my shoulders, chest and back, sadly causing my boobs to receded a bit. She showed us this amazing position and said for those used to back bends partner up or go to the front and she would assist. I pretended I was not used to them, because I was not going to pass on getting the direct instruction. The majority of the classes I attend outside of the ribbon hardly have any inversions past shoulder stand. So a foot from the wall, in head stand I go up, no problem, I lift my head off the floor and the teacher was impressed I lower my ass to the wall while keeping my head off the ground and I actually do it, a back bend inverted. This was my whole reason for wanting to do this class. That one position. So now my issue is always, how the fuck do I get out of this without hurting myself. I tell her upside down I can always get the pose, I can;t always get out. She walks me through the safest method and I don;t come crashing down as I normally would. Sadly this gave me a bit too much bravery and I decided, hell if I can do that with ease, lets try a heand stand into scorpion. LOL, nope, by this point I was 2 and a half hours into this class and my older body said, stop! Today my right shoulder is sore, but I can move, so life is good.

I got over my fear, my fear of inverted back bends and the evil upper east side.



It dawned on me that Sir has given me some things everyone should have.

He’s given me the right to be me, even with my weird quirks and compulsive bed making. He’s built me up and given me the confidence to stand up for myself.

I’d like to write longer, but work and annoying people and the such….I need to leave here, now

A good visit

In the past few years I think we’ve both grown. This visit I believe benefited us both. You were able to plan it as a surprise, keeping your spirits up. I was granted the gift of turning around what is normally a pretty shitty day.

Aside from that, it’s just being around someone that understands you. We are different, 2 sides of a coin, but compliment each other.

I know you don’t like the term procedure, but that’s what it is. See me being the realist has to look at things clinically. You just look at it as hope. It’s a means to an end and the end is you feeling yourself again. Until then, I’m here, doing crazy yoga, taking care of cute elderly dogs, but here.

Hi there

Good morning Sir,

Writing you here because I have soooo much work to do. Thank you for the pictures, they are beautiful. 

I’m very glad you are listening to your slave doctor, you need to have them do something regarding how you are feeling. I’m not going to lie, I got very frightened last night. I’m glad you bounced back so quickly.

You asked if this year erased my dark day. Truth I really won’t know until next year, but it’s been the best 4th of july weekend in over a decade, so thank you.

I hope both you and the pups wake up feeling better.

Oh and I think this picture shows how the little old dog sees himself.

Your mushy slave 

Surprise, Almost pt2

I ned to focus my energies on not telling my mother to go fuck herself. In that moment I decided next year, no mother on July 2nd. She pulled over to see if my aunt had finished opening her pool and if we could head there.

My aunt came back with some bullshit answer that meant …no, not no the pool was ready, but no you can’t come over. So I tell her lets go to Dirt beach. She suggests another place and I tell her I’d rather not be surrounded by junkies, so off to dirt beach we go. Side note, the sand is brown due to the amount of clay in that area, it’s not really….dirt, but it kinda is.

The phone off still because there’s no service at that beach anyway. I get home and she comes in with me. She finally says something about the fact that the dog that died this week was mine for a decade not just hers. She also asked about Sir’s health and then asks a load question, Are you monogamous? I tell her no. She asks are you seeing other people? Since there’s not a chance in hell I want to tell her about my sexuality I say no, she asks is he, I say no, she laughs. I tell her it’s just not a relationship status I’m interested in at this time, then promptly change the subject. She thought about that for the rest of the night … but that’s for later.

She leaves, I shower the dirt sand off and take care of my 2 remaining pups.

I turn back on my phone when she leaves. Texts from Sir and N, they were worried about me. I call him, tell her I’m fine. The plan was, I go to yoga, then they come over at 8. Even if that plan happened, it still would have gotten messed up because the class is not an hour but more like 2 and I would have been late.

Sir calls and says he knows what a sad day it is and that L dropped a surprise from him at my door. I hear his echo and as it turns out the whole lot (my mother excluded) had been in cahoots for a surprise visit for weeks.

I opened the door and sir, l and m were there. If not for the echo I would have been surprised. I’ll give them all credit, I had no idea. It showed me in a very tangible way how much they all care, because if they didn’t all do this, we would not have had a visit this month.

I asked Sir if I could still make my class and I would get him dinner on the way back. For as happy as I was to see him I still had a really great amount of anger that I needed to release. The class did that and I was able to finally open my first chakra and float in an inversion. I showed him when I got home after literally running because I had no clue the class went long until we were a half an hour over.

We had a nice talk over food and the limping pup was super happy to have pizza. Sleep was bad, one dog effected by the distant firworks, me having hot flashes and then waking in extreme pain from the work I did in yoga. I’m up and after a run feeling much better.

The truth, if Sir didn’t show up yesterday, I was on the brink of calling C. I can talk a big game, but the truth is I miss her. Plus there’s the sadistic part that really wants to make her grovel. I think it would be a boost to see that. I would have cancelled on N and FGD. I also realize I paid that yoga class in advance and registered on Monday for one reason…..if I do yoga, I do not drink. Yesterday was the kind of day I could have easily ended up with many empty bottles on the floor in my kitchen.

I didn’t in big part due to a team of people that care and knowing myself well enough to see the pittfall coming and being brave enough to do something about it.

Sir is sleeping and I have a meeting starting in five…..you’d think they give me off today, right?