Surprise, almost

Yesterday had its ups and downs.

Nothing went as planned starting at noon. My mother pulled a can I pick you up? A half hour early, when I said yes, thinking she was leaving her house, she said great I’m outside.

We tried to go to russia, no parking. I just wanted the beach or a pool. Some body of water to calm me. Sun on my skin to make me feel … something.

I started to get anger. It boiled from my feet. As this goes on n texts me asking if we could make plans earlier. I text one word, no. Then I breathe then tell her to cancel tonight it’s better I get to sleep early anyway.

I text Sir, plans are not going well, I’m turning off my phone for a bit. 

11

Who was I 11 years ago today?

lol, I really don’t know that person. Let’s see, I was….a person that did what she thought was expected of her. I was afraid, afraid that if I didn’t do the big things in life that I would end up alone. Funny as I sit here alone 11 years later.

I have a real love/hate relationship with that thought “alone”. I need to live alone, I need personal space to breathe. one day I’ll figure out why ending up alone is so scary when I seem to have made all the choices in life that keep me in a state of being alone.

C acknowledged the fact that she hurt me. This was the other night. I’m torn in a big part because I really don’t want to be cut out of my goddaughter’s life. I told her I can;t speak with her as if this past year has not happened. She said she is leaving it in my hands because she was wrong. It was the first time she’s ever admitted she was wrong. So I left it at that. If it’s up to me, now you wait. When I’m good and ready I’ll tell her we need to speak in person and if the proper amount of ass kissing is done on her part, I’ll never forgive her, but I will speak to her again to see my girl. Our decades long friendship is more like a lesbian love affair gone wrong, minus all the fun sex stuff. The way I see it, her daughter is also in a bog way my daughter and like dealing with my shitty ex, you don’t get one without the other.

Today I’ll deal with my mother. She blames me for her sadness, but I’d like to think she won’t be an asshole to me today. Tomorrow, yes, but not today. The weather is set to be damn near perfect, so off to the beach for us. She’s never been to my new, rather odd happy place. Truth part of me wants to keep it that way. For the past two years in the summer I’ve been able to pick up and go. Hop on a bus and get off in place soooooo damn foreign, where not one soul knows me and just lay on the sand, alone. Sometimes SMG would come with me. She’s one of the few allowed because she is very low maintenance and honestly my most stress free friend. The type of person you can say, hey…want to do this and get a straight up answer. Bonus because if she says yes, there’s no big planning, it’s just ok meet you there and you do. I’m thinking that comes with her years of dating couples. She’s used to being a third, so her demands are very few. I like people that don’t demand things from me. It allows me to do things for them without it being an expected part of the relationship. She like me in the way that when someone does something for them without prompting, she is grateful, because she doesn’t expect it.

I’m just sitting here with no direction at all as to what I’m typing.

Truth I have no idea who that girl was, or who this one writing these words is either.

 

Time to make some plans

I had it my head that I need to become a yoga teacher. I needed to go through training and then turn this into another job.

Today in the middle of a very challenging class that I was kicking ass in, it hit me.

I’ve loved doing a few things like I love my practice, Ballet, hair and makeup. Each one of these I made into jobs and guess what? I hated them. I turned passions into chores and lost the love of the art. I decided, nope I’m not willing to do that. So no yoga training for me. I’m going to take that money I would spend and travel.

I’ll still teach but I’ll do what I do now with hair and makeup and use it to increase my dharma. I’ll teach to those I know and love and I will not charge for it. I will give knowledge and do the studies of the anatomy and spiritual side on my own. I’m sure to get help from the many yoga teacher’s I know. Crazy lady will be upset because I won’t be able to sub her classes for her, but when I tell her the why behind it, she will agree.

I had another moment of clarity today. I was walking to class and there was a woman ahead of me pushing a stroller. she was her and I was me. Her life was not mine and that was ok. crap that took a long time, but I see it. 40+ years and I can accept it, so I’m thinking on the 11 year anniversary I’m ok that I’ve made my life. All the choices we make lead us to where we are and I am here.

My Cunt has Died

Yesterday N declared next Saturday we are going out. The three of us.

How about ask me what my plans are before you make such declarations? I have a three hour back bend workshop and and three hour commute time connected to it. After 6 hours of that do you really think that a fetish club is what I am physically even able to enjoy?

Her answer- just watch. Well, guess what, that’s exactly what I did the last time and I have to say it was nothing at all that interested me. There were no epic scenes, no pretty rope work. Not even one well dress Domme to try to make conversation with. The only thing it had going for it was some of my friends were there, but honestly I could have met them for a drink and had a better time.

I think my cunt may be broken. Nothing makes me wet. Even the last time N and I were together I had a really hard time getting excited. Has kink lost it’s allure for me? It just might have…..or I’m just staying calm for Sir? Who knows, but even as I look at the stream of visuals on Fet, I can say wow that’s pretty or intense, but there’s no want to experience any of it.

Maybe it’s just my blah on my dark weekend? Honestly I don’t even feel that dark. Has the affect of the weekend died? I think it might have, guess we will see tomorrow.