I have a plan

It’s a 20 year one and I’m already in year 2. 

Part of my yoga practice is staying in the present, but what occurred this weekend really scared me and has … made me need to take a good long look at shit, taking my om shanti, peace peace peace glasses off.

So, the trigger, my mother’s hair. Sounds trivial, but wait, you’ll see. So she says she had a friend that was going to dye it because she didn’t have the time or money to go to the salon. Right there, a lie. Time is something she has in spades, money, she doesn’t. So, I do what I swore I’d never do again, set aside time to dye her hair.

When I get there we start talking. 

It’s starts with plans for this weekend and not even an hour before I was self bitching that it would be nice for once if someone would ask me what I want to do. She did. I was shocked, I said paint my living room and smiled. Ps, we are going to my aunts for a bbq.

Later she asked for my advice. I was always the one to set her budget and help with the finances. She tells me they raised her rent. This is the third time in so many weeks she’s brought it up. Turns out she started looking for a new apartment and with gentrification hitting her area, the average price was twenty five less. What should she do? Her choices she came up with were- get a part time job or move.

I told her what she needed confirmed, moving is penny wise and dollar foolish over such a small sum of money. I suggested, sign a two year lease, secure this rent for now. The fact she would need a second job is insane. So I told her, I’ve paid your phone bill, only asking for the money if we were out and I used a credit card of hers. I left it to her, either take the money or pay what I charged, never asking. So I asumed she was using the cash all along. She wasnt. I told her I pay your phone now, take the cash and that decreases your rent by 5 dollars. If it ever becomes a strain on me then I’ll let you know.

We discussed her other bills, age, future plans… she’s heading to an attorney tomorrow. Her big plan, get rid of the debt, work until she qualifies for senior housing and retire on disability. She will be trapped, forever living right at poverty level, alone.

I can’t let that happen to me. I won’t let that happen to me. Things must change and that needs to start now. 

Later with a real keyboard I’ll outline my plan and list things that must change to assure I do not end up like her.

Being scared

Friday 8-18- it’s not always a bad thing.
I’m scared more often than I would ever admit, most times I cover it with fake bravado. This works rather well in my professional life and not so much in my personal life.

I was very scared of this visit. Afraid that Sir would over do it and even more afraid I’ve changed way too much in the past few months to be reactive to our dynamic. 

Saturday- my intention was to finish that thought, bur life happened and I never got back to things. So instead, I’ll just do one uber long post for Sir to read when I return to work tuesday. 

The weather was horrible, so even Sir agreed heading for the subways was nit wise. I was pooped. Telling Sir and him seeing the level of exhustion Im at by Friday are two very different things.

I managed enough energy to make sure he ate and we watched a show together and that was it. He woke me to go to bed around midnight. 

Now the weekend is here and although the weather is perfect for a pool or beach, I don’t think it’s good for him to be out in too long.

We take care of each other and that’s all that really matters. I know this trip he wanted adventure and to return to the “we”, we were before all of this started, but august has historically been a bad month. It isn’t helping n is back on vanilla lock down and fgd is away with the bible girl. 

He made plans with l for tuesday and I’m hoping to come up with something safe for him to do this weekend.

I do have a little surprise for him. He had requested and orgy of nurses, but sadly they cancelled. Yet he still has his doctor.

Thursday night we returned to a good scene we both enjoyed and that’s to kitchen blow job. I think that took away some of the fears we’ve both had. 

Tuesday- I haven’t had much of a chance to write. Sir finally got to take the pups to the dog park and saw first hand that the girl really hates it. All of the pictures of her have that look of I’m going to kill you in your sleep.

Yesterday was the eclipse, it wasn’t a full view from the city, but thanks to a woman across the street, we were able to see the partial through her glasses. 

FGD came over for a short visit. We are trying our best to show n support, but she is wasting away before our eyes. I wish she could see just how much he loves her.

I’m back at the office, not an ounce of me wants to be here, but…. Oh well.

Tuesday- the weather was the worst it’s been all year. Sir and l went to the city to see a movie. The movie wasn’t good, but they still had a nice time out. 

I was concerned and a bit pissed. I asked him to make sure he ate and took water. When I got in both the water and food were still in the fridge. I went to the gym to try to break the stress. It only mounted because when I got home the little dog vomited again. 

When Sir came in he could tell my mood was one that was on the verge of exploding. L was talking his shit about he will make multiple trips and I just wanted to tell him to shut up. If he did do that for months I would here about it and end up having to totally shut him down. Truth, I just don’t have the time for such high stress people.

Off to work again, the weather now raining and my mood matching it.
Wednesday at work…….

Long and productive day. He says he’s feeling better since the temp went down. Sadly l is not feeling well, so I think his park walk will be cancelled.

It’s friday and tgif! 

I wanted to give sir something to read as a surprise. I widh it could have been better thought out or more…something.

Today he is on his way home. I wish I could have been less stressed, but there’s next month and birthday trip to look forward too.

Frustration

Is the word of the day.

Today is a listing kinda day. So here’s what’s building in the black parts of my brain.

Nah, that’s for later.

The asshole husband of N started his shit last night. I give it until Wednesday before she’s either dead or hes arrested.

FGD has become super distant. In an effort for both of us to keep a stich of sanity I asked him to a party at the end of the month. By then we will need it and I don’t know if n will be free by that time. Funny never would have thought we’d essentially be sharing the same person. Sounds wrong, no?

There’s more, but I’m loosing steam quick and I need to get some actual work done.

Just another week….

Just another drama, just another issue, just another project finished.

Wish that project was of the work type, but nope.

The drama was with N and the long gone husband returning. the issue, all work stuffs, the project, step one in the three steps to complete the apartment that I’ve refused to make home for almost three years now.

I’ve run the numbers a hundred times and come to the reason, moving is not an option until late 2018, that means due to my lease July of 2019. So might as well fix the place up a bit.

Work is work, I push, they fight, I eventually win. The useless manager has finally resigned and that opens up the budget for another promotion. Now it’s just a waiting game and negotiation.

N … that’s a different story. We are all waiting. The calm will break and this will turn into a thing. The kinda thing where the cops get called. A total of 5 cops near her, including 2 sargents are on alert. Sometimes coming from a small town environment helps. For all the shitty things you have to put up with, in a matter of 10 minutes I was able to get her off the record help. It’s all in who you know, not the way the law is set up.

Her son is home and that allows me to breathe a little. I know he’s the one that can help her with him the most.

Enough of that….Sir got cleared by the doctor, so L will be picking him up on Thursday. He sounds like his old self. I haven’t said this to him, but I fear this is going to be his last visit with his best friend, you know, that little dog he likes more than me?

I’ve done everything I can to extend his life and love him as well as I know how. Yet I look at him and you can see the age, see he’s tired, sick, it’s sad.

I never wrote about how I got him. I’ve touched on why he acts somewhat cat like, but not the story of Him. That will be a blog for another time. Today I can’t go back to tell the tale of who I was then, but some day soon I will.

 

Cheerios, really?

Dear blog, cheerios?

🙂

Yes, yesterday’s mood was epically bad. It happens, sometimes.

The cheerios thing was funny, but your dog and I really don’t like them.

All jokes aside, it was good to hear Sir sound like himself again. I have a ton to do, so a longer blog will have to wait.

After so much stress, everyone had a good sunday, but now it’s off for monday things instead.

Sorry Sir, it’s been a while..

Thanks for understanding that with work and life the way it’s been, sitting down to type out anything in blog form has been impossible.

Not much has happened that’s really worth documenting here.

I made headway in winning over one of the vendors and the project is moving forward again. I’ve spent the greater part of the week trapped in a boardroom. The next three weeks will be a similar story.

N has been MIA due to family stuff. FGD has been off screwing around as is his normal. L is limiting his needy subbieness, in great part to his chats with you. SMG is off in Hawaii for a wedding. The hostess is, well, hosting all the while I have been just in work mode.

I’ve been debating on the moving plan. Turns out I really have 2 options. I can get a slightly small place for more money on the Upper East or a bigger place for slightly more money in the really nice part of my current neighborhood. Either option makes getting to places less convenient. I’m leaning towards the bigger place. That one has the possibility of a formal dining room and office, even a terrace. Getting to the gym would be a much longer walk, but the upper east would be a similar issue. Either way I’m looking at spending an extra 300 a month in rent. I think it may have to be put off for a year or two. Financially I need to build up a nest egg prior to doing either in order to be mentally ok with the added expense.

Today L from work and I are off to some fancy pool and beach club, it’s storming now, but as is NYC summer weather, it promises to clear up soon.

N says she’s coming by tonight, but I know if she has the choice she will go to FGD instead. So I’m not counting on that and it’s ok. Tomorrow I have much to do as I have to get back to the painting I started last weekend. It’s driving me nuts that it’s not finished and I have L’s party tomorrow evening.

 

Fragile

That’s how I’m feeling today.

This is not a good thing when facing a day full if the meetings I have.