It’s been a while…

Since I’ve blogged, since I’ve dealt with cramps, both I guess I’m doing now. Neither do I really want to do. So please don’t expect much.

Part of me wants to have a discussion regarding this still left unsaid. I just don’t have the energy for that. I don’t want to fight, hell, even if I did our fights are boring. I will bring up one thing that sits badly with me.

I asked for more info, you know, details rather than Dom answers. When you were leaving the fair last week, I got from you …friend a and friend b, how about saying some names? It’s too long into this relationship to be so…. aloof.

(rant written and deleted)

A meditation pillow will not fix that.

You would think based on what I’ve written so far, I’m in a bad mood. I’m not. I’m oddly in a very happy mood. The weather has cooled, I sleep easier, I have a weekend planned of just things I want to do. Hell, I even had yesterday off and work didn’t bother me all day. I had forgotten about it and trusted my employees to call if they needed and I guess they didn’t.

I took this weekend to do the things I’ve put off, I like to do that sometimes. Clear out the I’ll get to it list. The timing is important because Monday officially starts the new position at work. Also next weekend my DE cousin is coming up for a visit and we will be busy doing things that have nothing to do with clearing out my junk drawers.

On the phone with my mother….finish later.

 

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I figured it out

So we will start with a funny little story.

Mom, Sunday.

I tell her about the promotion. She came to get me to take me to Trader Joe’s to buy my monthly rations. Very seriously she tells me that she wants to buy me flowers. Only seven dollars in her pocket, she does the unthinkable, gets out of the car and comes in the store with me. I tell her no, I won’t let her spend her cash on me, she insists, pulling me aside telling me that this is a big accomplishment and it must be recognized. I picked out a three dollar bouquet.

I look at the flowers and smile each time I pass them.

It took me until today to realize why my sudden change in mood. Why my anger kept rising. Why I was taking everything out on Sir. I told him I was getting pissed and resentful. I don’t think he understood what that means.

I knew this promotion was coming and I knew he wouldn’t be here to celebrate it with me. I didn’t see that that was the problem. It’s one thing to hear great job, but it wasn’t until FGD grabbed me into a big hug and gave me a good smack on the ass, swinging me around and saying how proud he was that i really felt it.

So when Sir went into problem solving mode, I grew more pissed and resentful. I started to sabotage us. Telling myself all bad things. Letting the dark voices take over, growing more foul by the hour. I even went so far as to text any single men I knew. Not to do anything, not even in a flirtatious manner, but just to see if I was worth anything and to try to put a nail in the coffin of us, without having to expel much energy. Disclaimer:I realized I don’t know many single men and most of them know him.

I didn’t know I was doing this when I did. I really didn’t know where the anger came from.

It all came together in pieces today. I worked on winning over the hold outs in my new staff. I changed my inflection when speaking with Sir. No one wants a small angry Irish woman wishing them a happy birthday as if it was a curse. I went to hippy guy. I told him about the promotion, he knew I was more stressed than usual these past few weeks and even he gave me a big hug and said he was so proud. That was the exact second I knew, it was the promotion that made me so bitter. It has nothing to do with the stress of the job, project or people, it is the lack of the one person I wanted to get that hug from was not there and I knew that was probably how it was going to go down. Sometimes it’s the lack of tangibility that gets me down.

In short I have no idea what the resolution to this is. I don’t think there is one, right now. Half the battle is knowing why you act a certain way in order to change your reaction to it. I sorry I was made at you, I was mad at me too.

Numb

This has been stuck in my head for days.

Sir asked last night why I didn’t sound happy. I said there was no reason. The truth is there is no one reason. I’m just not.

I have no feeling, including being happy.

It feels as though many of my relationships have evolved into devolving. I used to go numb really quickly and now I realized I became numb over a long period of time. A little bit everyday until I’m totally lacking in feeling.

Sir complimented me for the way I dealt with N. I didn’t absorb her pain, I responded to her in a totally detached way. I have to change this and I don’t know how.

Tomorrow is an event that last year I was super excited for and sitting here today it fells like more of a chore than anything else.

In my last relationship I felt like a doll in a glass case. Something pretty and nice to take out once in a while and play with, but mostly it just sits there and waits. I don’t want to be like that anymore.

I do my best to care of people even when inside I am dead.

 

 

 

20 years

Sounds like a long time right? That’s a bit less than half of my life. I spent the first 20 figuring out how to be an adult, a functional adult, that is. I spent the second half adulting, trying to live the life I thought I should have and making a ton of mistakes along the way that I have learned from. I also have my mother who has done her best to show me first hand what I do not want out of life.

So hear I am, a daily practice of staying in the moment, so I don’t miss the really good stuff. This needs to be balance with a need, a must have to plan for my future.

I like to tell people at work my outlandish retirement plans. To have a vineyard, a baby goat farm and yoga studio. I just found out there’s a vineyard on a roof top near by. I say I’m moving to Montreal, or opening up a brothel with a friend. She has an equally Irish last name and it’s really catchy. This week I combined them and said we will by a warehouse, a vineyard on the roof, with a goat farm, the next lower floor a yoga studio, under that a place for wine tasting and yummy goat cheese, in the basement the brothel. On the floors in the middle a boutique b and b. Hell, I’ve even gotten three people in on this scheme with me.

This is not the real plan, I talk a lot of shit when I’m stress.

The truth, I’m hitting middle age, most of the people I’ve known are watching their kids in high school or going off to college. They are on second marriages. They have issues, but they have  a path.

I don’t.

So the person I am, I’m going to make one. I said I was a year in without knowing. So I’m setting benchmarks. At 45, I will have good credit again, I will save all of the money the last raise gives me and continue to put into my supplemental retirement. I will purchase a co-op near here with a view of the city. Please Sir, no village lecture, read on, this works. I’ll do a 15 year mortgage, then by 60, I’m done. All I have is the maintence and if my neighborhood gets gentrified, I sell and get the hell out of here with at least double in my pocket.

I do the smart thing and wait until 45 and file for divorce, since we all know he will never bring the paper work back that has already been signed. This assures he has no right to my property. I will stay in this apartment until that time. Finally throwing the paint up and making it home.

So the first cross road I reach is in 20 years. I reflect and then decide. If I am at the same or even better physical state, I teach yoga here and become crazy lady, minus the accent. If I move, maybe open a studio in my house. I’ll have options and money, so it works.

This is the point I take this virtual conversation off-line to sir.

First a side note- or two-

You like to refer to the old me. The girl you first met. Do you know I wasn’t always like that? Did you ever think, I wonder what she was like before a failed marriage, losing her house, losing her multiple pregnancies, having a failed D/s relationship that almost ended in hospitalization?

I’m really sorry you met me at rock bottom, but that’s what that was. The real old me was strong and had goals. I took life by the balls and had fun.

You build me back up (quicker than I would have on my own)and for that I thank you, but that wasn’t old me, I’m just me, up or down, this is who I am. In time I would have recovered, I always do.