Sir asked last night why I didn’t sound happy. I said there was no reason. The truth is there is no one reason. I’m just not.
I have no feeling, including being happy.
It feels as though many of my relationships have evolved into devolving. I used to go numb really quickly and now I realized I became numb over a long period of time. A little bit everyday until I’m totally lacking in feeling.
Sir complimented me for the way I dealt with N. I didn’t absorb her pain, I responded to her in a totally detached way. I have to change this and I don’t know how.
Tomorrow is an event that last year I was super excited for and sitting here today it fells like more of a chore than anything else.
In my last relationship I felt like a doll in a glass case. Something pretty and nice to take out once in a while and play with, but mostly it just sits there and waits. I don’t want to be like that anymore.
I do my best to care of people even when inside I am dead.