I figured it out

So we will start with a funny little story.

Mom, Sunday.

I tell her about the promotion. She came to get me to take me to Trader Joe’s to buy my monthly rations. Very seriously she tells me that she wants to buy me flowers. Only seven dollars in her pocket, she does the unthinkable, gets out of the car and comes in the store with me. I tell her no, I won’t let her spend her cash on me, she insists, pulling me aside telling me that this is a big accomplishment and it must be recognized. I picked out a three dollar bouquet.

I look at the flowers and smile each time I pass them.

It took me until today to realize why my sudden change in mood. Why my anger kept rising. Why I was taking everything out on Sir. I told him I was getting pissed and resentful. I don’t think he understood what that means.

I knew this promotion was coming and I knew he wouldn’t be here to celebrate it with me. I didn’t see that that was the problem. It’s one thing to hear great job, but it wasn’t until FGD grabbed me into a big hug and gave me a good smack on the ass, swinging me around and saying how proud he was that i really felt it.

So when Sir went into problem solving mode, I grew more pissed and resentful. I started to sabotage us. Telling myself all bad things. Letting the dark voices take over, growing more foul by the hour. I even went so far as to text any single men I knew. Not to do anything, not even in a flirtatious manner, but just to see if I was worth anything and to try to put a nail in the coffin of us, without having to expel much energy. Disclaimer:I realized I don’t know many single men and most of them know him.

I didn’t know I was doing this when I did. I really didn’t know where the anger came from.

It all came together in pieces today. I worked on winning over the hold outs in my new staff. I changed my inflection when speaking with Sir. No one wants a small angry Irish woman wishing them a happy birthday as if it was a curse. I went to hippy guy. I told him about the promotion, he knew I was more stressed than usual these past few weeks and even he gave me a big hug and said he was so proud. That was the exact second I knew, it was the promotion that made me so bitter. It has nothing to do with the stress of the job, project or people, it is the lack of the one person I wanted to get that hug from was not there and I knew that was probably how it was going to go down. Sometimes it’s the lack of tangibility that gets me down.

In short I have no idea what the resolution to this is. I don’t think there is one, right now. Half the battle is knowing why you act a certain way in order to change your reaction to it. I sorry I was made at you, I was mad at me too.