I often wonder why I picked this life?

There were other choice I could gave made, maybe worse, maybe more genuine.

I’ve been put down for almost 3 days by an office plague and that gives me too much time. Time for way too much tv, too much thinking.

I’ve chosen a life of hiding. It’s what I do and what I’m good at.

Some show I’m watching a lesbian power couple is discussing hiding parts of themselves and that got my brain going. 

I don’t know why I choose the traditional route. Sometimes I believe it’s so I can have dirty little secrets to keep. 

The problem is, after years of this…it feels like no one really knows you, including, you.

The noise and How FUCKING dare you

I didn’t want to go out. I went anyway.

I don’t play so that I don’t drop. It’s really just that simple. FGD and N haven’t been going out either, but with he news of her imminent imprisonment to her house, we decided to go.

It had been six months since I’ve done anything kinky. Yes, six months of vanilla, 3 months of celibacy. Hell I can’t even recall the last time I had PIV sex. People wonder why I’m such a fucking joy to be around. My head is thunder. The noise was deafening. It built slowly and I didn’t realize the volume it got to until it went away. Think of living in a state of a panic attack for months at a time. That’s where I was.

I didn’t play because of Sir and then when I thought maybe it would be ok too, I was too dangerous. I was the sub that would put the top at risk. I would have no limits. I explained this to FGD and for a year now, he has been my only impact partner. He too was going through shit and his kink took a back seat to his emotional turmoil.

So we go to what used to be our “home” event. It was a theme party and the majority of the usual crowd was not there. That was a good and bad thing. We went just to see the host and hostess, amazingly still together after a year that would have ripped apart most couples. We chat and say hi to the few we know, talk to a few we don’t and in walks one of FGD’s ex’s. FUCK. N and I liked her. We say hello, but his look is nothing but uncomfortable. Turns out the entire time we were absent from the scene, she wasn’t. Funny that we were the ones that took her there, but never realized maybe she would keep going. Somehow I was the one to deal with the fallout from this.

So back to the event. I was not playing. There was a guy that makes me laugh with fire that rsvpd, but didn’t show. That was going to be my release. Oh well. I then had to decide, I knew something was wrong and if I didn’t let it go soon, all hell would break loose. I tell FGD I think I’ll play. He chatted with Sir. It was the shortest scene I have ever had. The end game was not to orgasm, not to put on a show, it was to regain some mental stability. Within minutes the tears came and seconds later the uncontrollable laughter. I still get a kick out of how weirded out people get by that. When someone is beating you with a fire-hose and the response is to laugh like you were told the best joke ever. He saw that and stopped, big hugs and the noise was gone. Just like that a switch in my head was triggered.

He had a scene with N, short as well and then he turned and said, let’s go. It was just after midnight. I knew he was not feeling it with the ex being there and hell N was going home with him, so why not leave. Again, I go home alone. Always do, very FUCKING alone.

I’ve been putting Sir though some crap and this is the reason why. I’ve even thought of bringing up the idea of poly to him. A way for us to keep us, but for me to not be so alone. Girls don’t work out for me and it’s in big part because I need things that a female relationship just can’t support. Tangible things he is just not able to provide.

But I’m going off topic. A cute side note. This event was a very strict dress code and that means many people sharing clothes just to get in the door. We are in the smoking room and there a guy there that the hostess is talking to. At first I don’t even see he’s wearing a dress, it’s not fem or anything. She points it out and I say something like I had one like that. She says yeah, it’s yours! He looked much better in it than I did. I brought it and it was too small, then by the time I thought to try it again, it was too big. We talked a few, nice enough guy. He worked for a not for profit and somehow ended up with Chanel sway. I did his eye makeup and in return for that and I’m guessing the third party dress, ended up with some brand new eye-shadow, new, still in the box.

Prior to me leaving the house I was texting with L. He went into douchebag mode. All pissed that I was going out without him. He’s said many time he won’t go out in NYC anymore and I have no interest in traveling 4 hours for an event. The conversation didn’t go well.

So I wasn’t surprised when I didn’t hear from him in the morning. Something said to ask Sir if he had. Turns out that motherfucker sent him this big long message of how afraid he was for my mental health and etc. Whatever was in that message caused Sir to call him. He went on how I’m working to much and he’s afraid I’m heading down the path to a break down…..no, you silly bastard, you were pissed I went out with other friends and decided to try to cause drama in my life. Sir told him that I was truly busy at work and that contact with me would be limited. I said fuck him I’m not going to talk to him for a while.

I woke up this morning and changed my mind. L has a game where he does this shit and then blames the other person for being a shitty friend and in his mind he becomes the wounded one. Not me you DICK. Now I’m going to be nice as pie. I’m not letting him make me out to be the villain.

That was the first WTF. The second came in the novel long texts I received from FGD’S ex. In short I need to have a good long talk with him about her. She is a nice enough person but I don’t think he knows that he either really hurt her or she has a few screws loose. Either way he needs to deal with it because if his past relationship taught me anything it’s that I do not want to be caught in the middle. There’s a reason why people choose sides.

Yesterday during dealing with the drama, I cooked, cleaned, groomed the dogs, slept until one in the afternoon and enjoyed the silence in my head. There was one point that I had stopped for a moment and the emptiness scared the shit out of me. You see the silence comes with a really bad side effect. I become empty, devoid of most human emotions. In that moment I didn’t care about the crazy girl so emotional over seeing her ex or the friend caring in such a fucked up way as to try to damage my relationship. All I felt was utter abandonment and detachment from every human on the earth.

Today the noise is coming back. The anger over L started last night. Normal bad things, that maybe aren’t so bad after all.






Good morning 

First day of the new job.

Period is back, no hot water.

I smell like an old person in assisted living. I had to wash my hair since it was braided with oil for yoga yesterday. So into the freezing cold sink. I looks great, still smells.

My stomach is a wreck. 

I’m guessing my response to yesterday’s email was never received since it says draft. Fyi, my yohoo account sucks on my phone.

I’m going to cross my fingers ad hope I don’t smell that bad and head to work.

Happy fucking monday