3 years

And a day late….

We’ve been through so much, it seem like longer than 3 years.

We still celebrate every Tuesday but on the year I reflect back on some of the ways I used to have. I  wonder if you do the same? Not saying that you were a sad girl with her wine, but have you changed…

For the first time ever, I’m ok with me. Things could be better, but inside I’m alright.

I miss you, but I know you are under so much stress with family and your health. So I will wait. We are talking now and it’s just going to be a waiting game to see if our next visit is possible. It’s not easy, but it’s what you do for those you care deeply about.

In the spirit of waiting, I’ve been edging. Thought you would like that. Physically I’ve noticed a change. I’m just not as wet as I used to be and that’s ok too. I know it’s from the surgery and won’t change. Luckily there’s lube.

Still holding your hand. Happy anniversary.


The yoga “scene”

I took 6 classes this weekend, but nothing will beat the first one.

It looked vanilla enough. A deep practice with singing bowls. No one would have thought this would end up with the need for aftercare.

It was a normal practice and then the teacher explains that what we were about to do could be stopped at any moment, just put your legs straight and you arms over your head. She warned of tears or hysterical laughter. It was a method used in regression therapy and also trauma treatment yoga.

Through sound and movement the entire class submitted. There were three movements, first easy enough, butterfly position and lay back, then lift your hips, I’m thinking ok, no big deal, the keep your feet on the ground and lift your knees a couple of inches and the body starts shaking, then a few more and it was like being aught in the hardest orgasm, think convolutions. The shaking was more intense than anything I’ve experienced to date. Half of the class tapped out, I stayed as long as the teacher allowed crying like a baby. After I was gone, I don’t recall the rest of the class. It’s something I want to try again but it will not become part of my practice as my body is still a little sore.

My other classes were good, but nothing can beat the first one.

Just so I can remember:

The next class was a really hard fast vinyasa, with a dj and great male teacher.

A tea meditation. The girl was soooooo pretentious I wanted to die and pee at the same time.


It was odd, we started with restorative, I wish that would have been the last class, but oh well.

After that was a class taught by a master teacher, super hard and my knee went out. That was a combo of the rain and my ego. I know in my head that hops in a practice are not a good thing and I have to do a flow to keep the patella from sliding to the left. I let my ego get in the way, plus it was cold and raining.

I recovered for the last class, a Rahda class, super playful and full of laughs, stories and love.

After that the mother and I left the mountain and drove back to reality until next year.

Silly side note- further proof crazy lady is a sadist. This past Wednesday two new woman were in the class. One casually mentions something about her not demoing, but calling the class. She hears this and I internally say “ohFUCK”. She then gives a lecture about how we do yoga for her pleasure. That teaching a yoga class is like going to the theater and we are the performers. Our movements give her such great joy that is she was doing them she would not be able to take pleasure in watching us. HA! So my practice is for her pleasure, not mine. God is she a sadist.

Something I want

I don’t know if I can have it….

Honestly it’s tied into my want of having a child. It’s the need to have something that’s yours. Something you don’t want to share. Sonething selfish that you can be selfless to.

You see I share a lot. I share sir with his need to be with family. I share N with FGD and her family. I share, I’m good at it for the most part, keeping my jealousy in check.

I met someone that I don’t want to share. Well that’s not 100 percent right. I don’t care that she may have other lovers or dynamics, I just don’t want to share her with mine. Is that wrong?

I get a feeling of freedom with her that is different from others I’ve been with. It could be something as simple as she’s a lesbian so the thought of public affection has zero connotation of …. incorrectness. I, yes me, the proper and reserved one grabbed her on the street and kissed her. We walked had in hand laughing and proud.

I don’t know how to process that yet, but I lived in the moment and it’s great. I don’t want to overthink it, but I am and will. That’s me. 

Sir, this is different, but good.

She knows about you but not the orgasm control. I told her that you are fine with me having female partners without you and that’s true. At least I think, but I am battling my want to keep her as mine. 

It’s like that mommy domme that’s only cone out a couple of times is raging inside of me. So please know if we do play and I don’t call it’s not because I’m a bad girl, it’s because I think I won’t need to. I don’t orgasm I’m top space and that’s what I feel with her. 

Goodbye stress

About 7 months ago the bride and I brought tickets to a yoga weekend. We joked thay she could be very pregnant by then, but it didnt matter,  we’d go anyway. 

So today I wake up with the sun, no work phone, limited cell service, on a room with a very pregnant women in the other bed, I guess the bride will soon be known as the mother.

Funny how some pregnancies get to me, but not hers. 

It really could not have come at a better time, both of us stressed to the point of melt down. Each of us for very different reasons.

Let’s go back to thursday. I told my office I’ll be offline until monday morning. Thats actually a really big deal at my new level. I told l I’d be offline too, since he’s a big source of unnecessary stress. 

I hit the vitamin store for protein drinks and brought this drink to promote relaxation by raising dopamine levels.

Friday we left in the afternoon and took a three hour drive north, leaving nyc summer behind and driving straight into winter. A quick clothing change and off to dinner. It sucked, but it was food and after a week long virus, I would have eaten anything. 

Back at the Inn by 730 because there is literally nothing to do here, like nothing at all. We chat and I decide to drink have the stress free drink, not even 10 minutes later I am dead to the world.

Waking up like a Disney princess as the sunrises, off to day one of the event.