All posts by randomthoughtsofareformedparamour


Funny we both don’t celebrate this day but if you look at the email this morning I guess we have.

I stopped writing here for a very good reason that I couldn’t express verbally to you.

You know better than most I work hard to not over analyze things. I feel like when I start writing here it triggers the self sabotaging ways.

I’m working really hard but in many ways failing. I’m not going there with this post.

Thank you for the reminder of the recent years past.

Funny to think there was a time that fetgirl and FGD were happy.

Sadly heading to a meeting

Sending a hug


My original title was Merry F’ing Christmas, but I thought that would give the impression that I was not in a good space mentally.

This is year 5 of a new tradition, waking up alone on Christmas morning. I know that sounds like a sad thing, but it’s not.Ever since I could remember I always woke up around 5am. Yeah, I was that kid, who turned into that adult. I never lost the hope of magic that Santa had come and left me my dreams under the tree. That gave my mother a short window of time that my excitement would allow sleep. As an adult, I still do the same thing. Its been decades since I’ve woken to presents in the tangible sense. We started exchanging gifts after everyone left on the eve when I was 20. Yet the need to open my eyes, so very early has never gone away. Today is no different, up and with the pups, lit the tree, had some coffee, laid down and started to think about where I am in life.

No Sir, not in the overthinking way.

This year was hard. I can’t deny that. Work is a disaster, but it’s not for lack of effort. My new job is just a no win kind of position, but it pays well. For the first time in years I’ll start the year off with 2 vacations already booked and mostly paid for. I don’t worry that the rent has to be paid or if the train stops running, can I afford an uber. I even realized if I was to loose my job, it would take a full six months before I’d be up shits creek. So I’m thankful for my shitty-stressful job.

As for my relationships, I’m grateful for them too. I once put it out there to the universe what I most wanted and when the time was right, I was given it.

Sir, I miss you. Neither of us are the people we were three years ago. Most of that change is for the good.  The parts that aren’t are a blog for another day. Our relationship started as D/s, but now it’s something much different out of necessity. You’re my best friend and the rest of the stuff doesn’t matter in the long run.

From the beginning you encouraged me to find a like minded girl. I din’t understand that. If I was so much to you, why would you want me to bond with another person. Maybe you didn’t, maybe it was the kink. I don’t know, but I guess this year I was ready. That’s also a blog for another time.

N and FGD are still doing there dance. They have something great, that one day might just make for a happy ending. By far my most successful match making to date.

Merry Christmas


I know I don’t write here much anymore. It’s mostly because I started living.

I’d always say 90% of my life is lived in my head and it was fear that held me back.

I guess I’ve gotten over that. I still am scared, but I think it has to do with Sir getting sick. Now I live or I try to.

Work is a much bigger mister and a bigger monetary reward. In some ways that let’s me do more.

I met a girl that helps. I’m not as ashamed of my sexuality as I was.

I still spend my time with Sir and I think through out calls he knows that I care and want him to recover.

I guess that’s it in a nut shell, I’m still here, just busy living.

3 years

And a day late….

We’ve been through so much, it seem like longer than 3 years.

We still celebrate every Tuesday but on the year I reflect back on some of the ways I used to have. I  wonder if you do the same? Not saying that you were a sad girl with her wine, but have you changed…

For the first time ever, I’m ok with me. Things could be better, but inside I’m alright.

I miss you, but I know you are under so much stress with family and your health. So I will wait. We are talking now and it’s just going to be a waiting game to see if our next visit is possible. It’s not easy, but it’s what you do for those you care deeply about.

In the spirit of waiting, I’ve been edging. Thought you would like that. Physically I’ve noticed a change. I’m just not as wet as I used to be and that’s ok too. I know it’s from the surgery and won’t change. Luckily there’s lube.

Still holding your hand. Happy anniversary.


The yoga “scene”

I took 6 classes this weekend, but nothing will beat the first one.

It looked vanilla enough. A deep practice with singing bowls. No one would have thought this would end up with the need for aftercare.

It was a normal practice and then the teacher explains that what we were about to do could be stopped at any moment, just put your legs straight and you arms over your head. She warned of tears or hysterical laughter. It was a method used in regression therapy and also trauma treatment yoga.

Through sound and movement the entire class submitted. There were three movements, first easy enough, butterfly position and lay back, then lift your hips, I’m thinking ok, no big deal, the keep your feet on the ground and lift your knees a couple of inches and the body starts shaking, then a few more and it was like being aught in the hardest orgasm, think convolutions. The shaking was more intense than anything I’ve experienced to date. Half of the class tapped out, I stayed as long as the teacher allowed crying like a baby. After I was gone, I don’t recall the rest of the class. It’s something I want to try again but it will not become part of my practice as my body is still a little sore.

My other classes were good, but nothing can beat the first one.

Just so I can remember:

The next class was a really hard fast vinyasa, with a dj and great male teacher.

A tea meditation. The girl was soooooo pretentious I wanted to die and pee at the same time.


It was odd, we started with restorative, I wish that would have been the last class, but oh well.

After that was a class taught by a master teacher, super hard and my knee went out. That was a combo of the rain and my ego. I know in my head that hops in a practice are not a good thing and I have to do a flow to keep the patella from sliding to the left. I let my ego get in the way, plus it was cold and raining.

I recovered for the last class, a Rahda class, super playful and full of laughs, stories and love.

After that the mother and I left the mountain and drove back to reality until next year.

Silly side note- further proof crazy lady is a sadist. This past Wednesday two new woman were in the class. One casually mentions something about her not demoing, but calling the class. She hears this and I internally say “ohFUCK”. She then gives a lecture about how we do yoga for her pleasure. That teaching a yoga class is like going to the theater and we are the performers. Our movements give her such great joy that is she was doing them she would not be able to take pleasure in watching us. HA! So my practice is for her pleasure, not mine. God is she a sadist.

Something I want

I don’t know if I can have it….

Honestly it’s tied into my want of having a child. It’s the need to have something that’s yours. Something you don’t want to share. Sonething selfish that you can be selfless to.

You see I share a lot. I share sir with his need to be with family. I share N with FGD and her family. I share, I’m good at it for the most part, keeping my jealousy in check.

I met someone that I don’t want to share. Well that’s not 100 percent right. I don’t care that she may have other lovers or dynamics, I just don’t want to share her with mine. Is that wrong?

I get a feeling of freedom with her that is different from others I’ve been with. It could be something as simple as she’s a lesbian so the thought of public affection has zero connotation of …. incorrectness. I, yes me, the proper and reserved one grabbed her on the street and kissed her. We walked had in hand laughing and proud.

I don’t know how to process that yet, but I lived in the moment and it’s great. I don’t want to overthink it, but I am and will. That’s me. 

Sir, this is different, but good.

She knows about you but not the orgasm control. I told her that you are fine with me having female partners without you and that’s true. At least I think, but I am battling my want to keep her as mine. 

It’s like that mommy domme that’s only cone out a couple of times is raging inside of me. So please know if we do play and I don’t call it’s not because I’m a bad girl, it’s because I think I won’t need to. I don’t orgasm I’m top space and that’s what I feel with her.