All posts by randomthoughtsofareformedparamour

Fml

Good morning 

First day of the new job.

Period is back, no hot water.

I smell like an old person in assisted living. I had to wash my hair since it was braided with oil for yoga yesterday. So into the freezing cold sink. I looks great, still smells.

My stomach is a wreck. 

I’m guessing my response to yesterday’s email was never received since it says draft. Fyi, my yohoo account sucks on my phone.

I’m going to cross my fingers ad hope I don’t smell that bad and head to work.

Happy fucking monday

It’s been a while…

Since I’ve blogged, since I’ve dealt with cramps, both I guess I’m doing now. Neither do I really want to do. So please don’t expect much.

Part of me wants to have a discussion regarding this still left unsaid. I just don’t have the energy for that. I don’t want to fight, hell, even if I did our fights are boring. I will bring up one thing that sits badly with me.

I asked for more info, you know, details rather than Dom answers. When you were leaving the fair last week, I got from you …friend a and friend b, how about saying some names? It’s too long into this relationship to be so…. aloof.

(rant written and deleted)

A meditation pillow will not fix that.

You would think based on what I’ve written so far, I’m in a bad mood. I’m not. I’m oddly in a very happy mood. The weather has cooled, I sleep easier, I have a weekend planned of just things I want to do. Hell, I even had yesterday off and work didn’t bother me all day. I had forgotten about it and trusted my employees to call if they needed and I guess they didn’t.

I took this weekend to do the things I’ve put off, I like to do that sometimes. Clear out the I’ll get to it list. The timing is important because Monday officially starts the new position at work. Also next weekend my DE cousin is coming up for a visit and we will be busy doing things that have nothing to do with clearing out my junk drawers.

On the phone with my mother….finish later.

 

I figured it out

So we will start with a funny little story.

Mom, Sunday.

I tell her about the promotion. She came to get me to take me to Trader Joe’s to buy my monthly rations. Very seriously she tells me that she wants to buy me flowers. Only seven dollars in her pocket, she does the unthinkable, gets out of the car and comes in the store with me. I tell her no, I won’t let her spend her cash on me, she insists, pulling me aside telling me that this is a big accomplishment and it must be recognized. I picked out a three dollar bouquet.

I look at the flowers and smile each time I pass them.

It took me until today to realize why my sudden change in mood. Why my anger kept rising. Why I was taking everything out on Sir. I told him I was getting pissed and resentful. I don’t think he understood what that means.

I knew this promotion was coming and I knew he wouldn’t be here to celebrate it with me. I didn’t see that that was the problem. It’s one thing to hear great job, but it wasn’t until FGD grabbed me into a big hug and gave me a good smack on the ass, swinging me around and saying how proud he was that i really felt it.

So when Sir went into problem solving mode, I grew more pissed and resentful. I started to sabotage us. Telling myself all bad things. Letting the dark voices take over, growing more foul by the hour. I even went so far as to text any single men I knew. Not to do anything, not even in a flirtatious manner, but just to see if I was worth anything and to try to put a nail in the coffin of us, without having to expel much energy. Disclaimer:I realized I don’t know many single men and most of them know him.

I didn’t know I was doing this when I did. I really didn’t know where the anger came from.

It all came together in pieces today. I worked on winning over the hold outs in my new staff. I changed my inflection when speaking with Sir. No one wants a small angry Irish woman wishing them a happy birthday as if it was a curse. I went to hippy guy. I told him about the promotion, he knew I was more stressed than usual these past few weeks and even he gave me a big hug and said he was so proud. That was the exact second I knew, it was the promotion that made me so bitter. It has nothing to do with the stress of the job, project or people, it is the lack of the one person I wanted to get that hug from was not there and I knew that was probably how it was going to go down. Sometimes it’s the lack of tangibility that gets me down.

In short I have no idea what the resolution to this is. I don’t think there is one, right now. Half the battle is knowing why you act a certain way in order to change your reaction to it. I sorry I was made at you, I was mad at me too.

Numb

This has been stuck in my head for days.

Sir asked last night why I didn’t sound happy. I said there was no reason. The truth is there is no one reason. I’m just not.

I have no feeling, including being happy.

It feels as though many of my relationships have evolved into devolving. I used to go numb really quickly and now I realized I became numb over a long period of time. A little bit everyday until I’m totally lacking in feeling.

Sir complimented me for the way I dealt with N. I didn’t absorb her pain, I responded to her in a totally detached way. I have to change this and I don’t know how.

Tomorrow is an event that last year I was super excited for and sitting here today it fells like more of a chore than anything else.

In my last relationship I felt like a doll in a glass case. Something pretty and nice to take out once in a while and play with, but mostly it just sits there and waits. I don’t want to be like that anymore.

I do my best to care of people even when inside I am dead.

 

 

 

20 years

Sounds like a long time right? That’s a bit less than half of my life. I spent the first 20 figuring out how to be an adult, a functional adult, that is. I spent the second half adulting, trying to live the life I thought I should have and making a ton of mistakes along the way that I have learned from. I also have my mother who has done her best to show me first hand what I do not want out of life.

So hear I am, a daily practice of staying in the moment, so I don’t miss the really good stuff. This needs to be balance with a need, a must have to plan for my future.

I like to tell people at work my outlandish retirement plans. To have a vineyard, a baby goat farm and yoga studio. I just found out there’s a vineyard on a roof top near by. I say I’m moving to Montreal, or opening up a brothel with a friend. She has an equally Irish last name and it’s really catchy. This week I combined them and said we will by a warehouse, a vineyard on the roof, with a goat farm, the next lower floor a yoga studio, under that a place for wine tasting and yummy goat cheese, in the basement the brothel. On the floors in the middle a boutique b and b. Hell, I’ve even gotten three people in on this scheme with me.

This is not the real plan, I talk a lot of shit when I’m stress.

The truth, I’m hitting middle age, most of the people I’ve known are watching their kids in high school or going off to college. They are on second marriages. They have issues, but they have  a path.

I don’t.

So the person I am, I’m going to make one. I said I was a year in without knowing. So I’m setting benchmarks. At 45, I will have good credit again, I will save all of the money the last raise gives me and continue to put into my supplemental retirement. I will purchase a co-op near here with a view of the city. Please Sir, no village lecture, read on, this works. I’ll do a 15 year mortgage, then by 60, I’m done. All I have is the maintence and if my neighborhood gets gentrified, I sell and get the hell out of here with at least double in my pocket.

I do the smart thing and wait until 45 and file for divorce, since we all know he will never bring the paper work back that has already been signed. This assures he has no right to my property. I will stay in this apartment until that time. Finally throwing the paint up and making it home.

So the first cross road I reach is in 20 years. I reflect and then decide. If I am at the same or even better physical state, I teach yoga here and become crazy lady, minus the accent. If I move, maybe open a studio in my house. I’ll have options and money, so it works.

This is the point I take this virtual conversation off-line to sir.

First a side note- or two-

You like to refer to the old me. The girl you first met. Do you know I wasn’t always like that? Did you ever think, I wonder what she was like before a failed marriage, losing her house, losing her multiple pregnancies, having a failed D/s relationship that almost ended in hospitalization?

I’m really sorry you met me at rock bottom, but that’s what that was. The real old me was strong and had goals. I took life by the balls and had fun.

You build me back up (quicker than I would have on my own)and for that I thank you, but that wasn’t old me, I’m just me, up or down, this is who I am. In time I would have recovered, I always do.

 

 

I have a plan

It’s a 20 year one and I’m already in year 2. 

Part of my yoga practice is staying in the present, but what occurred this weekend really scared me and has … made me need to take a good long look at shit, taking my om shanti, peace peace peace glasses off.

So, the trigger, my mother’s hair. Sounds trivial, but wait, you’ll see. So she says she had a friend that was going to dye it because she didn’t have the time or money to go to the salon. Right there, a lie. Time is something she has in spades, money, she doesn’t. So, I do what I swore I’d never do again, set aside time to dye her hair.

When I get there we start talking. 

It’s starts with plans for this weekend and not even an hour before I was self bitching that it would be nice for once if someone would ask me what I want to do. She did. I was shocked, I said paint my living room and smiled. Ps, we are going to my aunts for a bbq.

Later she asked for my advice. I was always the one to set her budget and help with the finances. She tells me they raised her rent. This is the third time in so many weeks she’s brought it up. Turns out she started looking for a new apartment and with gentrification hitting her area, the average price was twenty five less. What should she do? Her choices she came up with were- get a part time job or move.

I told her what she needed confirmed, moving is penny wise and dollar foolish over such a small sum of money. I suggested, sign a two year lease, secure this rent for now. The fact she would need a second job is insane. So I told her, I’ve paid your phone bill, only asking for the money if we were out and I used a credit card of hers. I left it to her, either take the money or pay what I charged, never asking. So I asumed she was using the cash all along. She wasnt. I told her I pay your phone now, take the cash and that decreases your rent by 5 dollars. If it ever becomes a strain on me then I’ll let you know.

We discussed her other bills, age, future plans… she’s heading to an attorney tomorrow. Her big plan, get rid of the debt, work until she qualifies for senior housing and retire on disability. She will be trapped, forever living right at poverty level, alone.

I can’t let that happen to me. I won’t let that happen to me. Things must change and that needs to start now. 

Later with a real keyboard I’ll outline my plan and list things that must change to assure I do not end up like her.

Being scared

Friday 8-18- it’s not always a bad thing.
I’m scared more often than I would ever admit, most times I cover it with fake bravado. This works rather well in my professional life and not so much in my personal life.

I was very scared of this visit. Afraid that Sir would over do it and even more afraid I’ve changed way too much in the past few months to be reactive to our dynamic. 

Saturday- my intention was to finish that thought, bur life happened and I never got back to things. So instead, I’ll just do one uber long post for Sir to read when I return to work tuesday. 

The weather was horrible, so even Sir agreed heading for the subways was nit wise. I was pooped. Telling Sir and him seeing the level of exhustion Im at by Friday are two very different things.

I managed enough energy to make sure he ate and we watched a show together and that was it. He woke me to go to bed around midnight. 

Now the weekend is here and although the weather is perfect for a pool or beach, I don’t think it’s good for him to be out in too long.

We take care of each other and that’s all that really matters. I know this trip he wanted adventure and to return to the “we”, we were before all of this started, but august has historically been a bad month. It isn’t helping n is back on vanilla lock down and fgd is away with the bible girl. 

He made plans with l for tuesday and I’m hoping to come up with something safe for him to do this weekend.

I do have a little surprise for him. He had requested and orgy of nurses, but sadly they cancelled. Yet he still has his doctor.

Thursday night we returned to a good scene we both enjoyed and that’s to kitchen blow job. I think that took away some of the fears we’ve both had. 

Tuesday- I haven’t had much of a chance to write. Sir finally got to take the pups to the dog park and saw first hand that the girl really hates it. All of the pictures of her have that look of I’m going to kill you in your sleep.

Yesterday was the eclipse, it wasn’t a full view from the city, but thanks to a woman across the street, we were able to see the partial through her glasses. 

FGD came over for a short visit. We are trying our best to show n support, but she is wasting away before our eyes. I wish she could see just how much he loves her.

I’m back at the office, not an ounce of me wants to be here, but…. Oh well.

Tuesday- the weather was the worst it’s been all year. Sir and l went to the city to see a movie. The movie wasn’t good, but they still had a nice time out. 

I was concerned and a bit pissed. I asked him to make sure he ate and took water. When I got in both the water and food were still in the fridge. I went to the gym to try to break the stress. It only mounted because when I got home the little dog vomited again. 

When Sir came in he could tell my mood was one that was on the verge of exploding. L was talking his shit about he will make multiple trips and I just wanted to tell him to shut up. If he did do that for months I would here about it and end up having to totally shut him down. Truth, I just don’t have the time for such high stress people.

Off to work again, the weather now raining and my mood matching it.
Wednesday at work…….

Long and productive day. He says he’s feeling better since the temp went down. Sadly l is not feeling well, so I think his park walk will be cancelled.

It’s friday and tgif! 

I wanted to give sir something to read as a surprise. I widh it could have been better thought out or more…something.

Today he is on his way home. I wish I could have been less stressed, but there’s next month and birthday trip to look forward too.

Frustration

Is the word of the day.

Today is a listing kinda day. So here’s what’s building in the black parts of my brain.

Nah, that’s for later.

The asshole husband of N started his shit last night. I give it until Wednesday before she’s either dead or hes arrested.

FGD has become super distant. In an effort for both of us to keep a stich of sanity I asked him to a party at the end of the month. By then we will need it and I don’t know if n will be free by that time. Funny never would have thought we’d essentially be sharing the same person. Sounds wrong, no?

There’s more, but I’m loosing steam quick and I need to get some actual work done.

Just another week….

Just another drama, just another issue, just another project finished.

Wish that project was of the work type, but nope.

The drama was with N and the long gone husband returning. the issue, all work stuffs, the project, step one in the three steps to complete the apartment that I’ve refused to make home for almost three years now.

I’ve run the numbers a hundred times and come to the reason, moving is not an option until late 2018, that means due to my lease July of 2019. So might as well fix the place up a bit.

Work is work, I push, they fight, I eventually win. The useless manager has finally resigned and that opens up the budget for another promotion. Now it’s just a waiting game and negotiation.

N … that’s a different story. We are all waiting. The calm will break and this will turn into a thing. The kinda thing where the cops get called. A total of 5 cops near her, including 2 sargents are on alert. Sometimes coming from a small town environment helps. For all the shitty things you have to put up with, in a matter of 10 minutes I was able to get her off the record help. It’s all in who you know, not the way the law is set up.

Her son is home and that allows me to breathe a little. I know he’s the one that can help her with him the most.

Enough of that….Sir got cleared by the doctor, so L will be picking him up on Thursday. He sounds like his old self. I haven’t said this to him, but I fear this is going to be his last visit with his best friend, you know, that little dog he likes more than me?

I’ve done everything I can to extend his life and love him as well as I know how. Yet I look at him and you can see the age, see he’s tired, sick, it’s sad.

I never wrote about how I got him. I’ve touched on why he acts somewhat cat like, but not the story of Him. That will be a blog for another time. Today I can’t go back to tell the tale of who I was then, but some day soon I will.