Goodbye stress

About 7 months ago the bride and I brought tickets to a yoga weekend. We joked thay she could be very pregnant by then, but it didnt matter,  we’d go anyway. 

So today I wake up with the sun, no work phone, limited cell service, on a room with a very pregnant women in the other bed, I guess the bride will soon be known as the mother.

Funny how some pregnancies get to me, but not hers. 

It really could not have come at a better time, both of us stressed to the point of melt down. Each of us for very different reasons.

Let’s go back to thursday. I told my office I’ll be offline until monday morning. Thats actually a really big deal at my new level. I told l I’d be offline too, since he’s a big source of unnecessary stress. 

I hit the vitamin store for protein drinks and brought this drink to promote relaxation by raising dopamine levels.

Friday we left in the afternoon and took a three hour drive north, leaving nyc summer behind and driving straight into winter. A quick clothing change and off to dinner. It sucked, but it was food and after a week long virus, I would have eaten anything. 

Back at the Inn by 730 because there is literally nothing to do here, like nothing at all. We chat and I decide to drink have the stress free drink, not even 10 minutes later I am dead to the world.

Waking up like a Disney princess as the sunrises, off to day one of the event.

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Why

I often wonder why I picked this life?

There were other choice I could gave made, maybe worse, maybe more genuine.

I’ve been put down for almost 3 days by an office plague and that gives me too much time. Time for way too much tv, too much thinking.

I’ve chosen a life of hiding. It’s what I do and what I’m good at.

Some show I’m watching a lesbian power couple is discussing hiding parts of themselves and that got my brain going. 

I don’t know why I choose the traditional route. Sometimes I believe it’s so I can have dirty little secrets to keep. 

The problem is, after years of this…it feels like no one really knows you, including, you.

The noise and How FUCKING dare you

I didn’t want to go out. I went anyway.

I don’t play so that I don’t drop. It’s really just that simple. FGD and N haven’t been going out either, but with he news of her imminent imprisonment to her house, we decided to go.

It had been six months since I’ve done anything kinky. Yes, six months of vanilla, 3 months of celibacy. Hell I can’t even recall the last time I had PIV sex. People wonder why I’m such a fucking joy to be around. My head is thunder. The noise was deafening. It built slowly and I didn’t realize the volume it got to until it went away. Think of living in a state of a panic attack for months at a time. That’s where I was.

I didn’t play because of Sir and then when I thought maybe it would be ok too, I was too dangerous. I was the sub that would put the top at risk. I would have no limits. I explained this to FGD and for a year now, he has been my only impact partner. He too was going through shit and his kink took a back seat to his emotional turmoil.

So we go to what used to be our “home” event. It was a theme party and the majority of the usual crowd was not there. That was a good and bad thing. We went just to see the host and hostess, amazingly still together after a year that would have ripped apart most couples. We chat and say hi to the few we know, talk to a few we don’t and in walks one of FGD’s ex’s. FUCK. N and I liked her. We say hello, but his look is nothing but uncomfortable. Turns out the entire time we were absent from the scene, she wasn’t. Funny that we were the ones that took her there, but never realized maybe she would keep going. Somehow I was the one to deal with the fallout from this.

So back to the event. I was not playing. There was a guy that makes me laugh with fire that rsvpd, but didn’t show. That was going to be my release. Oh well. I then had to decide, I knew something was wrong and if I didn’t let it go soon, all hell would break loose. I tell FGD I think I’ll play. He chatted with Sir. It was the shortest scene I have ever had. The end game was not to orgasm, not to put on a show, it was to regain some mental stability. Within minutes the tears came and seconds later the uncontrollable laughter. I still get a kick out of how weirded out people get by that. When someone is beating you with a fire-hose and the response is to laugh like you were told the best joke ever. He saw that and stopped, big hugs and the noise was gone. Just like that a switch in my head was triggered.

He had a scene with N, short as well and then he turned and said, let’s go. It was just after midnight. I knew he was not feeling it with the ex being there and hell N was going home with him, so why not leave. Again, I go home alone. Always do, very FUCKING alone.

I’ve been putting Sir though some crap and this is the reason why. I’ve even thought of bringing up the idea of poly to him. A way for us to keep us, but for me to not be so alone. Girls don’t work out for me and it’s in big part because I need things that a female relationship just can’t support. Tangible things he is just not able to provide.

But I’m going off topic. A cute side note. This event was a very strict dress code and that means many people sharing clothes just to get in the door. We are in the smoking room and there a guy there that the hostess is talking to. At first I don’t even see he’s wearing a dress, it’s not fem or anything. She points it out and I say something like I had one like that. She says yeah, it’s yours! He looked much better in it than I did. I brought it and it was too small, then by the time I thought to try it again, it was too big. We talked a few, nice enough guy. He worked for a not for profit and somehow ended up with Chanel sway. I did his eye makeup and in return for that and I’m guessing the third party dress, ended up with some brand new eye-shadow, new, still in the box.

Prior to me leaving the house I was texting with L. He went into douchebag mode. All pissed that I was going out without him. He’s said many time he won’t go out in NYC anymore and I have no interest in traveling 4 hours for an event. The conversation didn’t go well.

So I wasn’t surprised when I didn’t hear from him in the morning. Something said to ask Sir if he had. Turns out that motherfucker sent him this big long message of how afraid he was for my mental health and etc. Whatever was in that message caused Sir to call him. He went on how I’m working to much and he’s afraid I’m heading down the path to a break down…..no, you silly bastard, you were pissed I went out with other friends and decided to try to cause drama in my life. Sir told him that I was truly busy at work and that contact with me would be limited. I said fuck him I’m not going to talk to him for a while.

I woke up this morning and changed my mind. L has a game where he does this shit and then blames the other person for being a shitty friend and in his mind he becomes the wounded one. Not me you DICK. Now I’m going to be nice as pie. I’m not letting him make me out to be the villain.

That was the first WTF. The second came in the novel long texts I received from FGD’S ex. In short I need to have a good long talk with him about her. She is a nice enough person but I don’t think he knows that he either really hurt her or she has a few screws loose. Either way he needs to deal with it because if his past relationship taught me anything it’s that I do not want to be caught in the middle. There’s a reason why people choose sides.

Yesterday during dealing with the drama, I cooked, cleaned, groomed the dogs, slept until one in the afternoon and enjoyed the silence in my head. There was one point that I had stopped for a moment and the emptiness scared the shit out of me. You see the silence comes with a really bad side effect. I become empty, devoid of most human emotions. In that moment I didn’t care about the crazy girl so emotional over seeing her ex or the friend caring in such a fucked up way as to try to damage my relationship. All I felt was utter abandonment and detachment from every human on the earth.

Today the noise is coming back. The anger over L started last night. Normal bad things, that maybe aren’t so bad after all.

 

 

 

 

Fml

Good morning 

First day of the new job.

Period is back, no hot water.

I smell like an old person in assisted living. I had to wash my hair since it was braided with oil for yoga yesterday. So into the freezing cold sink. I looks great, still smells.

My stomach is a wreck. 

I’m guessing my response to yesterday’s email was never received since it says draft. Fyi, my yohoo account sucks on my phone.

I’m going to cross my fingers ad hope I don’t smell that bad and head to work.

Happy fucking monday

It’s been a while…

Since I’ve blogged, since I’ve dealt with cramps, both I guess I’m doing now. Neither do I really want to do. So please don’t expect much.

Part of me wants to have a discussion regarding this still left unsaid. I just don’t have the energy for that. I don’t want to fight, hell, even if I did our fights are boring. I will bring up one thing that sits badly with me.

I asked for more info, you know, details rather than Dom answers. When you were leaving the fair last week, I got from you …friend a and friend b, how about saying some names? It’s too long into this relationship to be so…. aloof.

(rant written and deleted)

A meditation pillow will not fix that.

You would think based on what I’ve written so far, I’m in a bad mood. I’m not. I’m oddly in a very happy mood. The weather has cooled, I sleep easier, I have a weekend planned of just things I want to do. Hell, I even had yesterday off and work didn’t bother me all day. I had forgotten about it and trusted my employees to call if they needed and I guess they didn’t.

I took this weekend to do the things I’ve put off, I like to do that sometimes. Clear out the I’ll get to it list. The timing is important because Monday officially starts the new position at work. Also next weekend my DE cousin is coming up for a visit and we will be busy doing things that have nothing to do with clearing out my junk drawers.

On the phone with my mother….finish later.

 

I figured it out

So we will start with a funny little story.

Mom, Sunday.

I tell her about the promotion. She came to get me to take me to Trader Joe’s to buy my monthly rations. Very seriously she tells me that she wants to buy me flowers. Only seven dollars in her pocket, she does the unthinkable, gets out of the car and comes in the store with me. I tell her no, I won’t let her spend her cash on me, she insists, pulling me aside telling me that this is a big accomplishment and it must be recognized. I picked out a three dollar bouquet.

I look at the flowers and smile each time I pass them.

It took me until today to realize why my sudden change in mood. Why my anger kept rising. Why I was taking everything out on Sir. I told him I was getting pissed and resentful. I don’t think he understood what that means.

I knew this promotion was coming and I knew he wouldn’t be here to celebrate it with me. I didn’t see that that was the problem. It’s one thing to hear great job, but it wasn’t until FGD grabbed me into a big hug and gave me a good smack on the ass, swinging me around and saying how proud he was that i really felt it.

So when Sir went into problem solving mode, I grew more pissed and resentful. I started to sabotage us. Telling myself all bad things. Letting the dark voices take over, growing more foul by the hour. I even went so far as to text any single men I knew. Not to do anything, not even in a flirtatious manner, but just to see if I was worth anything and to try to put a nail in the coffin of us, without having to expel much energy. Disclaimer:I realized I don’t know many single men and most of them know him.

I didn’t know I was doing this when I did. I really didn’t know where the anger came from.

It all came together in pieces today. I worked on winning over the hold outs in my new staff. I changed my inflection when speaking with Sir. No one wants a small angry Irish woman wishing them a happy birthday as if it was a curse. I went to hippy guy. I told him about the promotion, he knew I was more stressed than usual these past few weeks and even he gave me a big hug and said he was so proud. That was the exact second I knew, it was the promotion that made me so bitter. It has nothing to do with the stress of the job, project or people, it is the lack of the one person I wanted to get that hug from was not there and I knew that was probably how it was going to go down. Sometimes it’s the lack of tangibility that gets me down.

In short I have no idea what the resolution to this is. I don’t think there is one, right now. Half the battle is knowing why you act a certain way in order to change your reaction to it. I sorry I was made at you, I was mad at me too.