Late

Busy day…. 

I’ve reach the point of mental exhustion that coherent thoughts are a challenge. I’m physically fine, my head has just been on overdrive too long.

Funny im sitting here prepping for a meeting and eating dry ceral. Poor Sir, our diets are so similar now.

My stomach has been in knots all day. 

I just keep saying make it through the work day, the rest is easy. I get my dental work finished. Then a celebration with n and fgd. 10 visits, 2 dentists later. 

It’s a little sad, our reservation tonight was for four, Sir would have liked the place. Pictures will have to do and it will go on the list of places to take him, some other time.

My mother and her chair

She has this thing she does. Every couple of years. She becomes overwhelmed with “things”. She’s the opposite of a hoarder. I look like a pack rat compared to her.

One of the problems is she’s been in one spot too long. Her gypsy heart can’t take that. When she moved in, she sold all of her brand new furniture. Her way of getting rid of my stepfather ghost. 

We had nicknamed her apartment the hotel room. Just the basic furniture, with very nice linens, little if any personality. We’ve spent the past few years collecting, decorating, even inserting life in the form of plants and my cujo killer dog.

So this past weekend the sudden change strikes. She says to me, I need room, I can’t breathe. Oh the analysis I could do on the conversation…..she said I need to get rid of the chair near the door. I turned and said I’ll take it. Then she started to list things she also wanted to get rid of. I talked her out of the rest. It took us so long to find these prices and I don’t have the room to take them all.

By the end of the day I had to say something. I told her, you kniw ypu always do thus, right? She looked puzzeled. I told her, you get things totally perfect, then in a rash moment, give it all away, just so you can start again. That sums up my mother perfectly.

I confessed to her that when she purchased the chair I purposely showed her the one she brought because it went very well with my furniture and I knew eventually it would be mine. Was that wrong, maybe, but I know her and for years I suffered this mindset, so now I might as well benefit from it. 

I’m not her, the things I have I cherish. I don’t give things I hold dear away. Only when I see someone that would benefit more than i, will I let go.

Take a break

It’s friday! 

This has been a really long week, so no meditations, no lessons, just try to enjoy the day. That’s an order from Sir, the enjoy part, the rest is all me.

He’s out of the hospital and I was able to sleep for the first time in a week. I’ve been functioning on about 2 hours a night, mostly I just lay there, staring at the ceiling waiting for the phone to ring. The nervous stress energy making me way to mentally and physically wired.

Becky saw me today and asked if I had a hot date? I replied, no I actually slept last night and did my hair. Amazing how the normal things fall to the side.

I took to writing the meditation  stuff as a way to let sir know I was worried, but not to burden him with it. Hospitals and all things medical are my field and this past week reminded me of why I no longer work in case management. 

It meant so much, that good long talk we had last night as I sat on the stoop, enjoying the breeze after a 2 hour train trip home. Your questions to me …. they showed a great amount of trust and respect. 

Today I’ll head back to the city for another class and then n and I are going to walk the Brooklyn bridge. FGD might join us, but he’s going through his own shit right now. 

Sending the biggest hug to you Sir, like I said yesterday, we will figure everything out as we go.

My heart knows

Today is heart meditation, funny, right Sir? 

My first reaction was to rip this book to shreds. The last 24 hours I’ve felt that anger start to rise. The hot flashes came back with a vengeance last night. So bad, I almost called in sick today. I really thought about doing that, but taking to the bed is a reaction to stress that I think is the easy way out. 

There’s no mantra today, just a direction to sit and listen to your heart. I can’t do that. Mine feels like it’s missing. 

So my ending affration is “I feel the presence of Devine love”

“Today I feel love in my heart.”

Ugh, what a shitty thing to say or read. I realized I still haven’t look at the saturday yoga schedule or made plans to meet with my friends. I’m kinda Blahhhhh about it. It’s on my list for later. I have a ton of work to do and it’s kicking off with 2 hours of calls back to back. The tone of my voice will sadly convey my disconnect, so I’ll stay as small as I can. 

Today I’ll just wait to hear how Sir feels. See if this procedure works. I’m trying to stay in the moment, not play the overthink the future game. 

Back to the beginning

Sometimes you forget, forget those feelings. The period where you first get to know someone. The time when you’re building the trust.

When Sir and I hit anything near a rough patch, it’s not for “normal” reasons. We don’t fight, we don’t argue, we don’t have those mudane things shared like money or daily responsibilities in our relationship. It’s only the physical distance that can cause a disconnect.

Having said that, we still take care of each other. For now, my way of taking care of him is to say, please take care of your health and don’t travel. Even if you’re at 50/50, it’s worth it to wait until you are close to 100. 

It’s not that I’ll be bothered if you aren’t well, but you will be. You’ll be pissed at yourself for not being able to do the things you’ll want to do.

Back at the beginning we didn’t know each other but we had a sense that we wanted and we’re looking for the same thing. 

I’ve been feeling a real lack of submission lately. I know why, well at least some of the reasons why. First, I’m not a slave in the manner of some of the other people will define that title. I’m just his slave. He expects his slave to be an independent kicks woman. The nightmares have shown me how true his description of us having an emotionally based D/s relationship is. 

For as much as I emotionally have submitted to him, I find I’m equally emotional dominate even sadistic to others. 

I tried to read the old posts and recall the fone memories attached. I wish I could have slowed that period down to enjoy it a bit more. Sonething bothered me though, the words although true and sweet sound as if they were written by a stranger. 

That’s both a good and bad thing.

Don’t be a passive agressive subbie fuck to me

That’s right, I said it. 

Don’t throw your Diggs and shit to me. I won’t take it. This is going to sound horrible but in hindsight he’s lucky that his cat died or last night I would have lost it on him. This is L I’m speaking of.

He’s the type thay can’t stand when his friends have other friends. For a long time he’s said I have too many friends and I’ve ignored it. Last night says that the problem us when you have too many friends you ignore your old ones. Dude I fucking talk to you 5 times a day, what more do you want from me? He said he’s our of the nyc club scene, so what that means I am too? No, not happening and if it does its not because if him.

He made many other comments that he’s been stewing and sitting on. I told him that he needs to cut it out and that holding on and waiting for the moment to get back at someone isn’t healthy. 

Today I’m pretty much disgusted with him. 

Poor Sir got an ear full last night. When dealing with l I stood up for myelf, but kept in a super controlled, I’m saying this for your benefit voice. Sir got the unedited version.

It sucks when someone close to you purposely tries to make you feel like shit. He doesn’t realize he just knocked him self a lot lower on the friend scale. 

I have too much work and he totally messed up my zen.

Sir always finds an upside, I stood up for myself and I let go if things now. I guess I used to act like L, but it got me no where.

Anything is possible with enough lube!

A long long time ago, all the way back in January, n brought mr glitter. She saw it across the room, big, thick, gold and glowing. A large suction cup dildo.

It was stored in my play chest with the promise that I would take its virginity. I don’t think I realized just how big he was!

N came by Saturday night. She was in a weird mood. We watched the story of o. I was running on a few hours of sleep and she was still list in her own thoughts. She put on another movies and I fell asleep with my head in her lap.

Sir called to say he was going to sleep, so I knew no cums, I figured no play either, but I was wrong.

As we layer down she asked me if I would let her fuck me. She also wanted me to ride her. Then she said where’s Mr glitter? I think really? Ride that fucking monster? Ok, with enough lube I can totally do this. 

Sir was fast asleep and n was latelling so she had an edge for every minute. 20 total. We both fell asleep exhusted and wet in each others arms.

The following morning she asked again wanting to finish her last 2 edges and cum. The suction part attached to her clit snd every movement causing her to come close to climaxing. In just a few minutes she was cumng and I was still edging. 

I gave a real love-hate with denial. The energy is great, but at a point I become unable to focus. I’m nearing that point. 

Yesterday I figured out why she was in a weird mood. It was saturday, the day her husband was in another country, signing away her kids future. 

Please excuse

My ramblings lately.

I’m starting to feel better. Drop and the stomach flu hit at exactly the same time. Talk about a major mind fuck.

I was convinced that N never wanted to see me again. We have plans for friday. 

I was convinced that because I have feelings for her I in some way broke a promise to sir. Turns out it was more a promise to myself. 

There is a real learning curve for me when it comes to my relationship with Sir. I’m allowed more than I could have thought. I don’t just mean in the kinky stuff, but I’m allowed to be happy. I’m still trying to figure out what that is, but I’m trying.

Today at work, I’m trying. I know not much will get done, but I’m here and that’s also a good start.

I miss…

This weekend was half really good, half really bad.

Brunch with the bride was fun, lots of chatting, laughing and even a ferry ride. 

That night n was staying over. It’s the first time she has and it took much planning and for fgd to be occupied with someone else. I can’t bitch about being second, o mean that would be wrong. Yet, it’s there a bit. 

We had along talk when she got there. Things are to the breaking point with her husband. I feel really bad. Her family is behind her and I hope she can get out once and for all. 

Funny as we talk she had no shirt on and I have skimpy pj’s. We talk holding each other. Most of our conversations happen with my head on her tits. She makes me feel safe. Almost like sir, but not the same. 

What makes her different than other girls I’ve been with? There no judgement, I can tell her anything and even from the start, she wouldn’t look at me with ….that look. All girls have it, it’s a look that a million times worse than a man calling u a whore.

Also she never ever disrespects Sir. When we play the first thing she does o’s look to see where the phone is. No matter how involved we are the second she thinks I might start to cum, she puts the phone in my hand.

Last, we have no dynamic. With us so far, all of our private plan is sensuous. We don’t even use toys. It’s as vanilla as the both of us get. It’s what we need from eachother. 

So I had all the toys out. We agreed no impliments in private, we save that for public play. As sick as I am, even starting to replay it, my cunt drips. 

She told me at the start, she just wanted to please me. That’s something I’ll never allow, I’m no pillow princess, but I knew what she meant. I can see flashes if her sucking my nipple and locking my cunt. So warm, so soft. Knowing her one on one experience with a woman is only with me, I asked her if there was anything she wanted to try. She wanted to sizzor. She came and then I asked her if we could 69, I had to jump off of her face for two reasons. First it was too soon and if I came it would have been unstoppable and ended the night, second I felt my need to really top her and she’s not ready for that yet.

She started again, sucking abd likcling my clit, that was my first call to sir. Then I started walking her through fisting me. We called and I came, then sir talked her through it the rest of the way. I finally let all the stress go and floated deeply in subspace as she held me and I cried. That’s how we fell asleep, I never came back from my subspace, but remain there in her arms until the morning.

I only wish I could have said goodnight to sir and thank you. The thank you is not for the cums, but for being strong enough to know that I need that female conection.

The conversations I have

Most of them never reach my lips.

Sir asked for some female perspective advice yesterday. The advise was secondary but what I had acknowledged was not. The guilt regarding the things I do, never goes totally away. Like other things, I developed better coping skills.

After the birthday party I was doing some errands and the moment I turned the corner onto my block that internal voice came to life. 

How could you do that? How could you have liked that? How do you look at yourself in the mirror? Your friends have no respect for you! How many other people saw that and think you’re nothing but a dirty whore? 

That intire mantra happened within a split sencond. I stopped took a deep breath and responded.

I did like it, it was safe. My friends planned it because they know that. End of story. 

I mean hell, they chipped in for the strapon. Plus  Sir spent the week talking to n, because she was freaking out about not telling me.

Sir was sleeping, so this internal battle was forgotten. Yes, I should have told him, but if I told him every battle and doubt, I’d never do anything else. It’s constant, my brain hardly ever stops and most times its have multiple patterns of thoughts at once. Luckily I’m a good multi Tasker. 

I spoke with my mother about the hot flashes and night terrors. She says it’s normal, like when you have a high fever and hallucinate. Last night wasn’t bad. I woke up a couple of times, but it was because my little girl dog was trying to hide under me from the rain.