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Dealing with drops

N showed up at my house a ghost of her normal self. She drops horribly. Refuses to eat, lashes out, says she’s never going to do another scene. Tries to vanilla fuck swingers. 

I held her at the door for 5 minutes as she just broke down, sobbing uncontrollably. I was able to get her coat off and we moved to the couch where she continued to cry with her head on my lap.  After about a half an hour she could talk again.

She told me all about her frenzy and her shutting fgd out. The way he deals with drop is to call up a vanilla fuck buddy and basically screw it out of his system. This was in direct conflict with her need to be taken care of so she became irrational. 

She was able to hold off the break by meeting for lunch with the hostess, but that only lasted but so long. She kept saying they just don’t understand we just need to be held.

So that’s what I did, we talked and held eachother. The puppies joined in and we chatted the night away in a cuddle pile. 

She had asked earlier why tonight? I had no clue what she was talking about and she said that I was cleaning. I told her I’d be done by the time that she arrived and I think she doubted it.

See I’ve come up with a tangible way to not drop as badly when Sir leaves. Before he arrives I reconfigure the house in a manner that is functional to him, not to me. I pick up the scatter rug, move chairs around, about 50 little things occur. When he’s here I don’t clean, well except the kitchen. The day he leaves I change everything back and clean. I banish all of the food smells and return it to a cinnamon vanilla ish environment. I make it a show place. The reason? I’m hardly ever there. When I am there I have no need to have “stuff” all over. An organized house leads to an organized mind. When things are not where they should be my anxiety level rises. 

Plus it’s a signal from my eyes to my brain, the visit is over. 

I used to drop the moment I walked through the door, but now that I have a task of my own making that doesn’t happen. 

Work x3

I woke up to the realization that my fabulous life of relaxation and yoga is on temporary hold.

Back at work and playing a game of catch up.

Sir and I had a nice Sunday. Slow and relaxed. Met an interesting couple. Had a good night’s sleep. We finally got the sleeping problems under control. It was as simple as changing the sides of the bed and adding four suppliments a day to my vitamins. 

At least now we can cuddle again without him waking like he was in a battle all night.

Happy Staycation

Finally a week off.

If I stick to the plan laid out I will complete 11 yoga classes this week. Everyone of them a different practice and level, even a barre class throw in for good measure. Don’t worry Sir I’m not over doing it, if I’m going to teach, I need to be at this level. Oh I even found out yesterday that the fancy studio pays on a scale of how many students show per class. It’s funny how different studios pay. I hear equinox pays the highest, guess I should have stayed in touch with the heartless Domme D.

I got into some very weird mood yesterday before yoga. Even though I got a good laugh over the very broken screen protectors, I fell into a funk and I found myself laying on my bed. I had to give myself a pep talk to get back up. It was something like, look around, you did this, no one handed you anything, blah x3. I did get back up and had a really good class. Even better that I know the workshop is affordable and I’ll be going back again in April. The teacher did say something that has me thinking again. I asked her where she trained and yet again it was the other studio I was contemplating, not the aireal one. It seems as though the style that they train the teachers there is something I really like. Hell, even crazy lady enjoys it and gave herself a treat of a month practicing there. So now I’m back on the fence and only have a couple of months to choose.

After you went to sleep last night I got into a totally different mood. I guess I started to hyper-analyse myself. This being a side affect of yoga, looking internally to figure out what your soul needs. I’m on a a mission to try to figure out what I need in life to feel some sense of wholeness. I was throwing around the need for a more steady female relationship. Play partner and friends are great and all, but I don’t think for me that it is enough. I know if N had more freedom I wouldn’t be feeling like this. I think it’s that need to be physically grounded, in a non kinky way. When my moods swing as high and low as they did yesterday I need that skin to skin connection to make everything ok. This is something I can’t get from a one off experience. There’s a part of me that wants to have someone that’s mine. I guess a need to own. Maybe that’s why my top drop was so bad. Even in the very beginning of this journey I had expressed my want to give another female aftercare but I think it’s growing into much more than that.

Today I’m in a much more task oriented mind frame. I have a list and time points to meet. Yet I’m torn between my need to be alone and with others.

Too many humans 

I’m burnt out and it’s only 10am. 

Lately I’ve had to deal with too many people. The main problem I have is dealing with too many personalities and I really wish I could maybe cut it down to 5 tops.

My cousin cancelled and o’s heading to the west coast. I’m happy for her, she’s needed a real vacation for a while and her best friend is stationed there.

That leaves me with tickets for a very late Saturday show. Sir suggested a couple of people to ask, but, I really would like to go with someone I know and like as a person. One girl, I haven’t spoken too in over a month and the other one is nice to go to events with but that’s where it ends for me. She’s too into her cunt and bring with a different mam every night. I’m not judging but the reality is she’s the type to say yes today and then cancel for cock reasons.

Speaking of people that cancel all the time…I get a call from little R as I’m trying to get to work. My phone decides to freeze so I couldn’t answer.something said, text her back. Thank god I did. So I yell her I’m running late and I’ll call her when I get in. No response. I say fuck it, I’m already in a shit mood so I follow through and call. No response. All of a sudden u get a call from her sugar mommas line and it’s her! She’s hiding from her old boss. Of course she called because she needed me to swipe her into the other building for an interview. So stupid, like they won’t ask her old boss about her? 

Please don’t let her cone back. Work has been so much nicertain without her. She never asked how I was, instead gave me shit over not calling her. Ughhh.

So now I’m tring to find someone I want to be around this weekend and I’m not thrilled.

The day that never was.

For the majority of the east coast that was yesterday. I had been wanting a day of nothing and got it. I cuddled the pups, watched more tv than I have in 6 months.

Sir was not feeling well, so I left him alone. By the time he was better I was ready for bed.

I was so bored I even went on a swing site and answered messages. That for me is true boredom.

The birthday is looming. So far I’m dealing with it, I guess. Ignoring it is a form of dealing. The next few days I’ll be working, gyming and doing hair. That will leave me just enough time for sleep. 

Snowy soft days

It’s not pretty snow, more like raging ice from hell in NYC.

Yet today I want to have a “soft” day. Everything is closed, so I have no temptations to go outside, not even to the gym around the corner. My yoga studio sent the cute NAMASTE-IN -BED message that they are suspending classes. The city that never sleeps seems to be taking a nap. The pups are in a pile and sleeping soundly. This big old brick building is peaceful. No screaming babies as I guess everyone is sleeping soundly.

Last night was fun. N had her whole family and FGD, the host, the hostess and 3 of their friends showed up for a nice Monday night jazz show. It was funny to see such a mix of people get along so well. FGD needed it. This was the place he would celebrate things with FetGirl. Not because she liked it, but because he did. When N said her nephew needed to write a paper on jazz, I could only think, we should all go there. New memories had to be made for him. He needed to see that it was still a good place and now the number of people there for him has grown, not diminished because one has left. For that one he gained four and his friends continue to grow as people get to know him, not them.

I didn’t just do it for him. Something in me needed to be with people yesterday too. I just needed a good day and I got one.

So now I have lots of little things to do in the house and the building is starting to show signs of life. I’m still going to be soft about things. I’m not going to rush from one chore to the next. I tend to be super hard on myself and today is about being easy.

 

If I were a rich girl…

That was the weekend I had.

Friday night yoga in a super upscale hipster neighborhood. What an unusual mix of people. Part super newbies, the entire queer population and me.

It was great, but I only have one more class at that studio. Came home and l stopped by. I told him to get over himself. He was all pissy because n might come to the birthday night out and he didn’t want to cause a scene. So I told him, then dont. I don’t give two fuck if yoh two aren’t speaking and I told him a long time ago, he doesn’t need to be friends with everyone I’m friends with.

I also told him I don’t like his new friends and I can still be cordial to them, he should show me enough respect to do the same.

Saturday yoga got cancelled and n stopped by. I got a quick nap and my stitches out. Later to see Regina spektor. It was a great night. I got to eat real food again, oh how I missed food.

Sunday, dayli g ht savings screwed me up and I overslept. It wa s nt the end of the world. I got my nails done, headed to a yoga class, stopped for coffee then back to the fancy studio for a restorative class.

It hit me in the first class. A perfect t life would mirror a good asana. Breathe, prepare, do something really hard, relax. Repeat. I don’t mind putting in the work if you know that relief is there when you stop. After that hard practice the restorative to me was even more work. It’s what I mainly wish to teach, because for me it’s a challenge. The goal is to let go, not to work, not to think to release and be in that very moment. At the end, nothing in life can get you down.

Today didn’t start great. I grabbed one dog then my phone, then the other and I wasn’t awake enough. I had a choice drop a dog or the phone, so the end result is a cracked screen. I didn’t get upset, it sucks because Sir brought me the phone, but phones can be fixed, little old dogs may not be.

Becky has agreed if the office is open he will cover snowpocolyse. It’s his turn and luckily he doesn’t leave for vacation until Wednesday. So tomorrow is a,snow day. I could do without it, but oh well.

Missing Sir, very mushy. He’s the only thing I would have added to my rich girl weekend.

Phrasing 

Funny though occurred to me today. Sir phrases things in an exact manner. An example, when he’s planning a surprise. He will say things like, he’s been busy and had no privacy to speak. That was because he was traveling to see me. Things like that.

that isnt just reserved for the D types though. I remembered when I was around 12 I did something similar to my mother all of the time. She had declared I was not allowed on the ferry. Oh stupid mother, she never said I was not allowed in the city.I wasn’t your normal 12 year old, I traveled by myself all of the time. I really think childhood ended for me on my 8th birthday and I went straight to adulthood.

I think this demand was prompted by one of her friends seeing me traveling to the city. I used to go downtown and just read at battery park when I was bored.

So I took out my map, subway and bus, yes actual paper and realized I could take a bus to bklyn. Problem solved. So like a good girl I promised, I’d never be caught on the boat and never was. 

That was when I discovered my current neighborhood. I got off the bus and I knew it was familiar. I walked around and it wasn’t much different looks wise, but it was mostly Irish aND Italian. I found a rare record store and some great cheap clothes, mom and pop places. I never made it onto the train that day.

We moved the following month and for years after, we moved often. My mother would comment how it was funny, no matter where we went, my room would have a view of the bridge. I guess it was always my secret escape route.

Feeling grateful

I bitch too much on here. I think it might be because I’m normally at work writing this or because with the exception of Sir I don’t openly complain to anyone but …me.

It’s taken fourty years to start being ok with me. The physical, emotional, the entire…me.

I think I’m about 80% there. Lol, maybe I’m being optimistic but that’s how I feel. I owe much to Sir. Even if it’s not directly him, but his support. To him, I needed community, friends, playpartners, to go and live life. 

I don’t think I noticed that I had stopped doing that. I was always the ring leader and I had sadly gone inside and closed down for a few years. I had been hurt way too much and I was tired of it.

Yet there was a part of me that wanted to live again. I think that’s why I get that lonely feeling sometimes. It’s my w as y of reminding me where I was and how far I’ve come. 

Missing sir

FGD is my Denist?

Ever feel like the world is just fucking with you?

That was yesterday. I worked my ass off to finish everything pending at work. I knew after getting a tooth pulled I would be in no mood to look at anything related to work today.

I leave with a half hour buffer to get to the dentist. I’ve been going there since they opened about 17 years ago. They were the only ones that took my insurance and they were in the building next door from my old job. Do to growing up and having to go to clinics, once I find a good doctor, I don’t care how far they are, I stick with them.

On the subway, I transfer from one train to the next, no problem, then we stop…..FUCK, It takes a half an hour to get to the next stop, due to “Train Traffic”. The MTA”S bullshit line for something is wrong, but we don’t want to tell you yet. I have to get to the financial district, it should be 4 stops away. I still had a half an hour when they announce “Due to police activity at Court street all (list a crap ton of trains) will be running on the (insert gargle) line to Canal Street. FML. I panic, get off at canal and look around, no one knows yet, there’s no pissed off people above ground, so I get myself an Uber. It goes through with no surge rate! Score one or me. I tell the driver about what just happened and his map starts lighting up. They just got the info and all of downtown Manhattan and Brooklyn are triple rate fairs.

I was able to get a call out to the dentist on the bridge to say I was coming but I’d be late. So I run into the office knowing they close at 5 and there’s a room full of people waiting. At this point I’m texting with Sir and N letting them know I arrived.

I get called in and they tell me the temp won’t be put on for at least a week so it can heal, I silently freak, then I ask again exactly what tooth is it and she says the third, I ask from the back or front, she says on the xray……ugh, lady, come on, then she laughs getting what I’m asking and says the second one from the back, it wont show unless you laugh really hard. THANK GOD….

This is where things get amusing. By this point I’m totally stressed out, nervous, feel like I’m going to vomit all over and I know damn well my face is showing every damn emotion.The dentist come in, the other day he came in and saw me in the chair and said “you, I know you” I really didn’t get what he meant at the time.

When they first opened it was an expansion of a small Brooklyn office, all Russian, no exceptions. Since then they closed that office and have many dentists and I don’t think I’ve seen this original one prior to this week for about a decade. Now he only works on the really hard and nasty cases. Wish I would have put that together first.

He gives me a shot and a pep talk and then it hits me, If I close my eyes, I’ll just pretend he’s FGD. Easy I’m used to taking pain from him, I’ll do some yoga nedra breathing like I do when the canes come out. He leaves and the assisstant checks on me a few times until I’m numb, then the sadist comes back. Now he is ready to talk, but my fucking mouth is numb! He tells me that I won’t feel pain, just pressure. I give him the Fuck you look, he laughs  and then tells me because of where the tooth is and the infection and the cap that’s on it, it’s going to take a long time. Again another fuck you look. At this point I realize I forgot to ask about yoga.

I open my mouth and he starts. I’ve learned way to much Russian and I know every time something not right happens he changes his language. This is happening way to long. He tells me if I need a break, to use the restroom, to close my mouth, to spit, to give him a hug or kiss……Yes he absolutely says this to let him know. He gets a double fuck you look and a giggle for that one.   We continue…My tooth was impacted, the fracture was stuck in my gum and the infection was like cement on the tooth, so about an hour later it’s out and I’m a bloody mess. He cleans me up, checks in with me and then shoves gause in my mouth.

A few minutes later he checks on me and then says a list of dont’s. All normal stuff everyone knows. I try at this point to ask about yoga, but I’m packed and can’t talk at all. He say “oh and yoga…” he remembered from a decade ago, when I first started at the gym next door. He says no inversions, everything else is fine, but wait a day or so.

I totally forgot we used to go to the gym and that’s why he recalled me. At that time I was very young and I guess he felt it wrong to flirt with me, but know that I’m forty, it’s ok. He also knows I take no meds and I’m a horrible patentient. I get a lecture to take my pain meds, not to be a hero….etc. I ask him for paper and write, what pain meds. He gave me none. Oops, he realized at that point he sent me home with an antibiotic and nothing else. Again knowing me he called in some motrin and that’s it.

I get tot he desk and N is no where to be found. I text her a really bitchy where ru? She says she’s on her way. I make an appointment to go back to get it checked Monday and they tell me I’ll be in at least four more times. I’ll be lucky to have a tooth by my birthday and I’m sure at least one of those days off will be spent in the dentist chair.

I turn around and N is coming though the door with FGD. I start laughing. Now I have to figure out how to get home because according to the news in the backround there was a massive watermain break in bklyn causing subway shutdowns all over. There is one x bus right outside that gets me into my neighborhood. We all go outside and we laugh and hug and they see I’m ok. The novicane is still in effect, so I’ll get to the pharmacy and home with no issues. I text them the short version of how I pretended the dentist was him and they got a kick out of it. Sir was in contact through n. I managed to get a seat and get tot the pharmcy, then home, unable to speak and starting to not feel great.

Sir and I spoke, well he spoke and I texted him my answers. I woke up crying. It feels and looks like I got punched in the face. It’s totally a first world problem and for that I’m greatful.