I had a bunch of things swirling in my head to write today, but I keep going back to that question posed by Sir yesterday. He said you had a good day, lots got done and you had a nice chat with an old friend.
I read him the messages and he feels that her apology was sincere. He unlike me has no problem with people that have trigger days, days that they want to set the wrongs right and that its normal.
He also asked why am I so quick to go to my dark place? He thinks its because of the mostly shitty guys in my past, but it extends way beyond that.
Truth is I expect the majority of guys to treat me like shit, I’m not ……surprised by it. I’m much more surprised when they don’t.Case in point, Sir.
I am much more affected when friends (gender neutral) and other females let me down. Sometimes I think it’s a cop out, but It really is all based on the relationship you have with your parents. They are your first bonding experience and it only makes sense to learn all of the life lessons on how to deal with others and what to expect from them.
So in saying that, I’m OK with men not sticking around or being aloof, or just plain mean, then turning around and showering you with attention. That was my father. My mother on the other hand is a much more complicated thing. She is in many ways my daughter and I know it sounds horribly Freudian, but I like it’s why whenever I Domme a woman I become very sadistic and motherly.
The post yesterday when I mentioned the one (not last time) she moved out if I would have stayed with my grandparents is when the sadness started. I was a really happy little girl. I danced sang, smiled, laughed and swam away every waking moment until then.
It was when she moved in with him…the worst of all of her boyfriends. It’s a shitty story that spanned until fourth grade and ended with us moving back to my grandparents house. It was the start of her reaching bottom that I dealt with until I was a senior in high school.
Her way of dealing with everything that happened was to get high and escape. Too bad she left me there, inside myself. So I did two things, I either was sad and depressed or I was numb. It lasted for years. What I also realized is that the ex doms ex has known me since then. We became friends in the sixth grade. She saw and went through what I would let her with me. I used to write..compulsively and she was the only one that ever read my journals from that time. She said if she was rich she’d buy the rights to my childhood and make them into a movie.
So i guess that takes care of the when it started and now it’s just like a bad habit? I’ve been this way for so long, I really don’t know how to change.
I’m much better than I was. Sir doesn’t know that, but there was truth in a statement that my ex (the very submissive kinky guys) brother said “I could bring down an entire room just by entering it”. When I go dark it’s true.
This past year, I’ve dealt with some really big shit and I really didn’t go to my dark place all that often, I think it’s more the unexpected times that has him asking these questions. I find I go to the darker places when I’m not dealing with a load of crap. I’m in a way just waiting for the next shoe to drop. Right now I need to just stay focused on work, get over this hump and then go on vacation.