Sideways day

Some days you wake up with a plan. Then life happens.

I noticed today was that day on the way home. Looking out the window of the bus I see a limestone house with the prettiest woodwork and think of my old house. There was a little girl maybe 5 sitting at a counter, as the bus past I saw her twin sister sitting next to her. Both parents talking and making dinner.

It ripped my fucking heart out.

It was like a look into what could have been.  I thought I was past it and then sitting here I realized why I was so very affected today of all days.

I texted the ex husband to tell him I needed the ticket as it is my turn to pay the IRS. He messages back something that caused me to immediately question if he has been making the payments. I explain a missed payment will result in the termination of the agreement. He then says they can just take back what we get this year. I pick up the phone.

I explain to him we won’t get anything back and will likely own again. I ask if he changed how he’s claiming. He admitted to missing the December payment, but I think he missed more, in that case it means he owes me money as I paid for his cell phone. He then tells me about how he is unsure if he can make rent. I internally lose it.

Just a couple of months ago he had three jobs. I ask what happened and he had his usual excuses. So I had no choice to say “but I thought your girlfriend was living with you?” He stuttered and said no not really, I mean she does but she doesn’t pay any of the bills because she works at pay less. I say “oh”. I think are you mother fucking kidding me? Really you are supporting her and her fucking kid?

I saw red.

I told him you have until Thursday to come up with the payment. If you can’t I will make it and you will owe me the money and that means you tell her…..no divorce yet. I think I won’t sign shit and I won’t even have to worry about it since you have no money.

If his father steps in then I will give him the IRS bill that his son fucked up paying, plus this one and tell him, you want your son free….this is the cost oh and btw, I sogn nothing until August. I’m tired of the shit.

That leaves me back on the bus trying to think why do I feel so damn empty? I look at his mess of a life, but he has her, he has a baby. That mythical family, who knows, they could be miserable. All I know is they were not on that bus, so alone, with so many mixed up feelings.

My date for tonight cancelled for work reasons and I couldn’t be happier, really, I’m in no shape to do much but go to yoga later.

I may even talk to the ex dom’s ex tonight. She had wanted to speak yesterday, but I was just too tired. See Sir I’m not going to my dark place, but this day is really testing my patience and coping abilities.

The truth is I feel empty. That’s where the sadness comes from. I try to fill it with random people, but I’m still left here to deal with myself.