Ever think…

I should have stayed alone?

Life is easy that way. I take care of myself just fine. There’s little chance to feel real pain. Even less chance to cause it.

At the beginning of my friendship with N a part of me said I will never do anything with her for her own safety. Sadly I’m way too selfish to ever put someone’s needs over my own. I know this.

I analyse.

There are two roads this drama will take. One puts her life at risk, the other cuts her off from everyone completely. Neither one is acceptable to me. Plus even the road that keeps her with him, is not a safe one.

I wish I never met her or any of my current friends. I wish I stayed in my safe sad place. I think I would have cried less than I do now.

Maybe I’ll move away, far away, start again. Work, gym, home. repeat.

I dropped yesterday. I have a stomach virus on top of it and shit is hitting the fan at work, so I can’t even take a sick day. When I dropped I cried really really hard. Funny how your brain almost becomes uncensored when you drop. You let your worst fears rise to the surface and spill over. The shitty part is my fears aren’t made up. They are real.

You know Sir, I always do this, I say I won’t, but I do. I get too involved emotionally. I can’t ever separate the emotions from the physical. That’s not me. The result is I will always feel the pain as much as the pleasure.

So now the only thing to do is back off. Go back to being a friend, but build a wall. I’m really good at that. Sir said don’t write if you are ick, but it’s when I’m sick that I need to write.